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Originally posted by enferno as some of you know, my wife wants a divorce. she wouldn't tell me why, until 4 days ago. she called me and told me that she cheated on me, only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on, that i would never trust her again, etc. etc.

My guess, either she's looking for you to forgive her and allieviate her guilt or she doesn't actually want to remain married under any circumstances. Sorry, the latter option is harsh but it is a probability.

I'm not sure how I would react in your situation, as I've never suspected my wife of cheating. Generally, I think what you both need to ask is whether or not one sexual indiscression is worth dissolving your marriage. This is not an easy task. It is a highly personal decision you two need to make. You need to take stock of your relationship and figure out exactly what it means to you. Then you need to assess how your view of your wife has changed as a result of this change in your reality. Next, you need to decide whether or not you can move past this... whether or not your view of your wife can ever return to what it was. Finally, you need to determine whether this betrayal is sever enough to warrant giving up all that you have together.

I see a number of responses encouraging the dissolution of the marriage... I will not be one of them. This is not an easy decision, it cannot be made lightly, and certainly should not be made with undue consideration of what other people feel. Myself, I think I would try like hell to forgive my wife and move on. I doubt it would be very easy to do so, however, what Mrs. Hazard and I have is worth far more to me then sexual exclusivity. That may or may not be the case for you, some people care more about the manogomy aspect of marriage then I do.... only you can judge that.

I suppose my advice is this: be very judicious in making your decisions regarding what to do next. Furthermore, if you decide (together) you cannot move past this then try to be as amicable as possible through the dissolution process... don't let the hurt and other emotions overshadow good judgment and civility. Alternatively, if you decide to try to work things out, you need to be willing to move past this, you cannot use it as leverage in the future, you cannot allow it to govern your actions, and you cannot allow it to remain as a barrier to trust... if you want things to work you have to try to get back to normal as quickly as possible (this will not be easy, however, if you hold on to this it will never work).

I'm very sorry, man. I wish you the best of luck in whatever the two of you decide, I wish you peace with your decision, and I hope you can recover from this be it together or apart.

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Originally posted by RickyM you're just a shit version of Moral Hazard. At least he knows what he's talking about.

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Originally posted by pkcRAISTLIN lol, i love it when moral feels the need to lay the smack down

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Originally posted by enferno how do you guys cope/move one/keep getting up in the morning after being so terribly betrayed?

I honestly don't know, I've got nothing for you and unlike a lot of other people here I won't BS trying to look useful, giving you any dodgy suggestions about something I don't know anything about. I mean I've got my own ways of dealing with things but they probably aren't applicable to you or anyone else, if you've got any close friends and family about, go hang out with them and get some ideas from them.
Until then, I just wish you the best, take care and hope it ends up how you want it to end up.

You know, I used to say that cheating, even ONCE, was unforgivable. But now I disagree with that.

People make mistakes, and in situations like this you have to look at past behavior and see that it's not a pattern...that it IS just a once in a lifetime mistake.

I don't think something like this is worth ending what is otherwise an honest, loving, and caring relationship.

Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It doesn't justify the behaviour, but it lets them know that their mistakes make them human and that they can move on.

Talk to your wife, try to understand why this happened and help her to deal with it....I'm sure she's hurting as much as you are too. You're still married, and that's what marriage is - a partnership - you're going through this TOGETHER, so you should talk about it together.

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Originally posted by jennypie You know, I used to say that cheating, even ONCE, was unforgivable. But now I disagree with that. People make mistakes, and in situations like this you have to look at past behavior and see that it's not a pattern...that it IS just a once in a lifetime mistake. I don't think something like this is worth ending what is otherwise an honest, loving, and caring relationship. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It doesn't justify the behaviour, but it lets them know that their mistakes make them human and that they can move on. Talk to your wife, try to understand why this happened and help her to deal with it....I'm sure she's hurting as much as you are too. You're still married, and that's what marriage is - a partnership - you're going through this TOGETHER, so you should talk about it together.

i like this post.

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Originally posted by Halcyon+On+On OOKA-OOKA ME NACHOS ME PRESS KEYS ON COMPUTER GOOD

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Originally posted by Moral Hazard My guess, either she's looking for you to forgive her and allieviate her guilt or she doesn't actually want to remain married under any circumstances. Sorry, the latter option is harsh but it is a probability.

yea i was thinking the same thing. i find it strange that she is just like insisting that it's over due to HER deciding for you that you won't be able to forgive her. it might be a cop out, but you never know.

and yea, pretty much everything else moral hazard posted, and i too am extremely sorry to hear this. being cheated on is no fun. i had to go on anti-deprssants when i got cheated on by my first love, i can't imagine being cheated on in marriage with kids in the equation. i would rather go through physical pain than emotional pain like that.

just know that whatever the outcome, this will pass eventually and make you stronger. it could take years though.

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My soliloquy may be hard for some to swallow, but so is cod liver oil.

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Originally posted by notelfreak man i can't believe i tried to come off as responsible in that other thread, i am so full of shit just don't tell anyone

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Originally posted by enferno as some of you know, my wife wants a divorce. she wouldn't tell me why, until 4 days ago. she called me and told me that she cheated on me, only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on, that i would never trust her again, etc. etc. now, i've never been cheated on before. i'm crushed. i can't sleep more than an hour or two a night. when i eat food i feel sick to the stomach. i can't do anything without relating it to her, to us. i want to forgive her, i want to take her back, but it's not up to me. how do you guys cope/move one/keep getting up in the morning after being so terribly betrayed?

how long have you guys been together ?

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my biggest concern would be focusing on maintaining healthy relationships of any kind. Betrayal makes you go through a "I was too trusting" etc phase. You cannot let someone else abusing trust make you think that trust is the bad guy.

This whole story sounds weird and I didn't even know you had a kid?

It also depends on your view of marriage and what marriage means and therefore what divorce means. One body one soul all that and they have hurt themselves as much as you in doing so and healing the wound would be best for the both/one of you.

but marriage is scary like that. You cant say you arent going to be in a position to let that person betray you again if you stay married. You have hope the left hand stays as honest as the right.

Again, this all sounds very odd. I dont know what to think.

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Originally posted by Orbax You cannot let someone else abusing trust make you think that trust is the bad guy.

Yup. Agreed 100%.

for someone who is appealing to a higher moral code of what people should and shouldnt do, you really arent painting a picture of how people would want to be treated if they were on the other end.

Forgiving is harder than being an asshole.

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Originally posted by Spike Has she expressed any remorse to the guy? NO

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Originally posted by enferno only once, and couldn't live with herself for doing that to me. she said she still loves me, but can't go on,

sounds like it to me.

It appears she wants out of the marriage. She told you that she cheated on you (it may be true, or not) in the hopes that it would make you more amicable to terminating the marriage, and thus (perversely) she will feel less guilty about leaving.

There's probably nothing you can do to feel significantly better about the whole situation, so just try to distract yourself as much as possible and in time you will gradually think about it less often and therefore it will bother you less and it will be easier to move on.