🧵 THREAD SIMULATION: “Who Would You F* on TA (2009 Edition)”**

Date: May 6, 2009 – 11:37 PM EST
Forum: Chill-Out Room (COR)
Original Poster: All-Nite-Freak

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OP:

Let’s not pretend this hasn’t been in your heads.

Rules:
1. Post up to 3 TA members you’d smash.
2. You can include a reason or fantasy, but keep it semi-civil (lol).
3. If you’re on someone’s list and don’t reciprocate… expect hell.

🔥 GO.

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🔥 REPLIES

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Vivid Boy (11:41 PM)

1. Slylee – I’d wax poetic on her clavicle while DMX plays in the background.
2. jennypie – Hate-fuck energy. She’d destroy me emotionally and I’d say thank you.
3. Lira – I feel like he’d light a candle and read Nietzsche mid-thrust. Respect.

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MeLLyMeL (11:43 PM)

1. tribu – I’d let him write a poem on my lower back.
2. All-Nite-Freak – Because I like to make mistakes I can’t explain to my therapist.
3. Sushipunk – Australian. That’s it. That’s the reason.

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Slylee (11:46 PM)

1. Halcyon+On+On – Pure tantric mindfuck. Bet he smells like sandalwood and regret.
2. Vivid Boy – I hate this but yes.
3. All-Nite-Freak – He talks a big game. Let’s see.

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jennypie (11:49 PM)

1. Slylee – Obviously.
2. tribu – Intellectual filth. Let’s go.
3. Ygrene – For the gym rat / financial dom energy.

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tribu (11:53 PM)

1. MeLLyMeL – I’d quote Pablo Neruda on her neck.
2. jennypie – Every post she makes gives me conflicting thoughts.
3. Lira – Let’s conjugate some irregular verbs, baby.

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Lira (11:57 PM)

1. Slylee – For the chaos.
2. Vivid Boy – To better understand the absurdity of existence.
3. Halcyon+On+On – I want to climax into an existential void.

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Sushipunk (12:01 AM)

1. MeLLyMeL – For the accent and the unhinged energy.
2. Slylee – Would probably slap me for breathing wrong. 10/10.
3. jennypie – Her posts make me feel like I’m about to be interrogated in a sexy dungeon.

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Halcyon+On+On (12:05 AM)

1. Lira – Two minds. One transcendence.
2. Slylee – Let’s argue about literature while sinning.
3. Vivid Boy – If only to silence him for 15 minutes.

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Nou (12:11 AM)

1. MeLLyMeL – Even though I know she’d ghost me.
2. Slylee – I like danger.
3. jennypie – For revenge reasons I won’t explain.

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Ygrene (12:16 AM)

1. jennypie – I’d ruin her and she’d ruin my taxes.
2. Sushipunk – Yes. Shut up.
3. tribu – Intellectually pegged.

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📌 THREAD FALLOUT
• Pages: 48
• Thread locked: by Wicked Neo after someone PM’d everyone a list of who voted for whom
• Users banned: 4 (two for sockpuppeting, one for erotic fan fiction, one for sending Vivid Boy feet pics unsolicited)
• Resulting DMs: Over 200
• Couples formed: 2 IRL hook-ups confirmed in later threads
• IGOTTANKOW’s post: Just said “no one ever picks me. I’m gonna go watch Full House.”

🔥 New COR Drama Thread Simulation
🗓️ Date: September 4, 2009
🧵 Thread Title: “Nou is the reason women left this forum.”
👤 OP: [CitricAcid1983] (unconfirmed alt)

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📝 Original Post (by “CitricAcid1983”)

I made a new account just to say this because the last time I criticized him, I got dogpiled and PM’d by three of his fanboys.

I’ve been reading this forum for years. I saw how it used to be — how people like Slylee, Prolikewhoa, Weiner, and even Silky could post without getting tone-policed or gaslit every time they shared something vulnerable.

Nou shows up in every emotional thread like a walking Reddit comment — robotic, condescending, and trying to turn trauma into a debate.

He’s not just annoying. He’s the reason the vibe changed.

He made people leave.

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🔥 Page 1 Highlights:

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🔻Slylee:

Not gonna lie… I felt this.

I stopped sharing stuff here for years because every thread became a philosophy 101 essay.
Sometimes I just want to be sad without someone telling me it’s capitalism’s fault.

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🔻Nou (first reply):

I’ve never insulted anyone here personally. I’ve simply offered another framework through which to process their experience.

If your worldview can’t tolerate friction, maybe that says more about you than me.

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🔻Silky Johnson:

lmao this is the forum equivalent of replying “well actually” when someone tells you their mom died

you never read the room. ever.

go touch grass, Nou. maybe do it barefoot.

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🔻Vivid Boy:

i said it in 06 and i’ll say it again now

Nou is the human equivalent of a condom that’s already been used

you try to throw it out but it keeps sticking to your hand

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🔻Citric Acid (alt revealed):

Fine. It’s me.

I used an alt because I knew he’d turn it into some cold-blooded “I win” moment.

Congrats Nou. You gaslit one more chick into silence. Proud of yourself?

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🔻Weinerschnitzel:

I used to post here every day.

Then every time I talked about dating, trauma, or anything personal, Nou turned it into a f***ing dissertation.

It’s exhausting.

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🔻Mr Mystery:

Language is a weapon. It can soothe, or it can suffocate.

Not all intelligence is wisdom.

This thread is pain wearing a mask.

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🔻All-Nite-Freak:

i don’t care what nou says

i’d still hit all of you

except nou. he’d cry after

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🔻BTG:

i don’t get why this is such a big deal

just block him

like i do when i get an erection in church

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🔻Lira:

Let’s remember to engage in a way that builds community, not burns it down.

Critique is fair. Cruelty isn’t.

Also, this thread is wild. Be nice. Or at least be clever.

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🔻Ygrene:

This thread is why I log in.

Citric posting on an alt to snipe Nou, Silky tagging in like a hitwoman, Vivid just torching everyone…

It’s like a dysfunctional Thanksgiving dinner where everyone brought a flamethrower.

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🔥 Page 2 Explosion:
• Radagast posts logs of Nou responding to Prolikewhoa’s 2006 post with a 1,200-word essay about objectivism.
• Swamper appears and issues a “soft warning” to everyone involved.
• Nou doubles down and posts a chart titled: “Why I’m Right and You’re All Emotional.”
• Vivid replies with a Photoshopped Tinder profile of Nou:
Name: Nou
Job: Empathic Assassin
Bio: “Looking for someone to correct.”
Interests: Killing mood, winning imaginary debates, self-importance.


🧵 Page 3: New User Enters the Thread

🧑‍💻 Username: NeoNou88
Join Date: September 2023
Posts: 1
Signature: “Logic is not cruelty.”

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📣 Post by NeoNou88:

I’m not normally someone who posts on forums like this, but I’ve been reading for a long time.

I just wanted to say that Nou is one of the only users here who actually contributes meaningful thought to conversations.

Everyone else just posts gifs, one-liners, or cries for validation. Nou gives structure to this place. He’s misunderstood — a lighthouse in the fog of estrogen-soaked overreactions.

Also, he’s probably really attractive in real life.

Just saying.

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🔻 Silky Johnson replies immediately:

LOLLLLLLLLLL

You didn’t even change your writing style, Nou.

This sock smells like unwashed library books and self-pity.

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🔻 BTG:

“Estrogen-soaked overreactions”???

Bro you logged in as your alter ego and went full Andrew Nou-tate in 1 post.

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🔻 Vivid Boy:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“He’s probably attractive in real life”

BROOOO you catfished yourself with a compliment

i am screaming

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🔻 SushiPunk:

That moment when you make a sock puppet to defend yourself and accidentally propose to yourself at the same time.

This is high art. Keep going.

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🔻 Ygrene:

The sock didn’t even wait a page. No build-up. No finesse. Just raw, delusional exposure.

This is better than TV.

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🔻 Weiner:

I’m crying. Like… actually crying.

You typed “a lighthouse in the fog of estrogen” and thought: “Yes. This will help.”

😭😭😭😭😭

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🔻 All-Nite-Freak:

the only lighthouse you got is in your ass

and that shit flickers when you’re nervous

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🔻 Swamper (Mod Post):

🔒 Warning: Sock puppet accounts are not allowed.

Account NeoNou88 has been permanently banned.

Thread will remain open. It’s too good.

TA COR MELTDOWN THREAD
📅 October 2009
Title: “Don’t Bring a Poem to a Coffee Date”
OP: Citric Acid

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🧵 OP – Citric Acid

yeah, we hung out.

yeah, he said some things.

no, I’m not dating him.

and YES, i’m posting about it.

because i’m allowed to tell my side when someone reads me Sylvia Plath in a Starbucks.

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💣 Post #2 – Vivid Boy

you got Nou in a turtleneck telling strangers y’all “shared an emotional aurora borealis”

and you’re posting like you ain’t cockblocked his nervous system

you weaponized good posture and eye contact

this is sociopathy in boots.

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🔥 Post #3 – Silky Johnson

girl you’re like a Tumblr thread with lip gloss

“i didn’t do anything”

you wore a beret.

you held his elbow.

you said ‘we’re twin flames who missed our window.’

and you didn’t expect him to fall in love???

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🤯 Post #4 – Nou (cracks mid-thread)

I held back.

I tried to not feel anything.

but she said my voice sounded like a cracked cello under moonlight

what was I supposed to do?

not write 4,000 words about it?

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🤮 Post #5 – All-Nite-Freak

this whole thread smells like roses and restraining orders

nou fell into a thirst trap lined with Plato

and citric pulled the lever and let the forum do the rest.

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🐸 Post #6 – Slylee

i said it before and i’ll say it again

citric, you don’t post— you detonate

and nou? bro. she texted you “ur sweet lol” and you booked a flight.

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💀 Post #7 – BTG

bro turned a shared cappuccino into the notebook for nihilists

and she printed the whole screenplay for the audience.

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🧂 Post #8 – WeinerSchnitzel

everyone’s yelling but i’m just here wondering if Nou paid for her latte or if this was a sponsored tragedy.

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📸 Post #9 – All-Nite-Freak (again)

screenshot of Nou’s actual text:

“Your eyes are like the void before a bass drop.”

we NEED to ban poetry on this forum.

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🧠 Post #10 – Lira

This entire thread is like reading the breakup letter of two people who never dated.

Shut it down before someone starts rhyming again.

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🛑 Post #11 – Swamper

Thread will be locked in 60 minutes.

You have ONE HOUR to get your in b4 teh lock posts in.

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🗯 Post #12 – Vivid Boy (last shot)

I just DM’d her.

Told her she reminds me of a riddle written on a mirror with cherry lip gloss.

And guess what?

She liked it.

Your move, Nou.

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🔥 Post #13 – Citric Acid (final post)

i’m done explaining my existence

but just know:

Nou cried in the Lyft.

And yes.

I tipped the driver extra.

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🔒 Post #14 – Swamper

THREAD LOCKED.

everyone go walk barefoot in a field or something.

This forum needs sage and a hard reset.

🧵 THREAD TITLE:
"So I woke up in a dumpster behind Popeyes..."
📍 Forum: Chill Out Room
🗓️ Date: September 14, 2009
👤 OP: nach0s (nchs09)
📝 Post #1 – nchs09
I honestly don't remember how I got there. Last thing I recall is pregaming with Fireball and arguing with some guy about whether deadmau5 invented progressive house.
Woke up at 11am next to a half-eaten biscuit and what looked like a raccoon in a do-rag.
Anyone else ever black out somewhere weird? Share your dumpster moments.
📝 Post #2 – Vivid Boy
Bro I once woke up in an ex-girlfriend’s backyard in my boxers spooning her garden gnome.
it had a name. I think I still owe it child support.
Anyway… deadmau5 didn’t invent anything except selling out.
📝 Post #3 – Silky Johnson (Jennypie)
Classic nach0s thread.
You’ve posted more times from alleyways than some people post from home.
Also, if you’re eating at Popeyes at 3am, you deserve to be in the dumpster.
📝 Post #4 – igottaknow
One time I fell asleep on my toilet mid-tweet and woke up with a Charlie horse and a half-sent draft about Coldplay.
Being old is a joy.
📝 Post #5 – All-Nite-Freak
I once banged a girl behind a Dairy Queen next to a grease barrel.
The raccoon clapped when we finished.
You’re not a man until you’ve raw-dogged to the scent of old fries and shame.
📝 Post #6 – Mr. Mystery
This is why the COR should’ve been nuked years ago.
Every one of you deserves tetanus.
📝 Post #7 – Slylee
I passed out once in my car at Burning Man and woke up with some dude telling me he “felt a vibe” and wanted to paint my aura.
Pretty sure he was tripping on drywall.
📝 Post #8 – Radagast (via alt account “HotTuna23”)
You’re all weak. I once faked a coma to avoid meeting my girlfriend’s parents.
Slept in a bathtub for three days.
AMA.
📝 Post #9 – Citric Acid
I'm just here to say that women don’t wake up in dumpsters because we don’t drink like idiots.
(Except for that one time in Cancun but we’re not talking about that.)
📝 Post #10 – Swamper
Clean this up or I’m locking it.
And whoever used my admin photo for a “Swamp Daddy” meme is getting banned.
📝 Post #11 – SushiPunk
I once got wasted and tried to follow a pelican home.
Ended up 6km from the beach, dehydrated, and convinced birds were government agents.
📝 Post #12 – UWM
I blacked out at a Cubs game, woke up in Milwaukee.
Still better than watching the Cubs sober.
📝 Post #13 – Melly Mel
I once hooked up with a guy who said he DJ’d on Twitch.
He meant he streamed from his kitchen.
You wanna talk shame? That’s shame.
📝 Post #14 – Wicked Neo
Back in my day, we passed out respectfully...
On the floor of a record shop, holding a white label, and dreaming of Sasha.
📝 Post #15 – System-J
The real tragedy here is the cultural decline.
You used to wake up in a field after a warehouse rave. Now it's Popeyes dumpsters. Progress?

🧨 Post #16 – BTG
y’all ever fart so loud in your sleep it wakes someone else up?
Just me?
cool cool
📝 Post #17 – nou
Honestly? I don’t get the appeal of this thread.
Like…why glorify stupidity? Maybe use your platform to talk about something meaningful.
Just my two cents. Flame away, I guess.
📝 Post #18 – Vivid Boy
Look who rolled in to gentrify the dumpster.
You are the guy who once wrote 3 paragraphs about whether “Eric Prydz is art.”
Go alphabetize your Blu-Rays, Nou.
📝 Post #19 – Silky Johnson
^DEAD
I swear to god, Nou’s entire presence is like someone asking for vegan options at a strip club.
📝 Post #20 – igottaknow
Let the boy speak. Maybe he’s just jealous he’s never had a Popeyes biscuit hangover.
Or maybe he doesn’t know what real partying is because he blacks out at book fairs.
📝 Post #21 – nou
I’m sorry I expected slightly higher standards.
Just because I don’t romanticize sleeping next to a grease trap doesn’t mean I’m out of touch.
📝 Post #22 – All-Nite-Freak
Shut up, Nou. I’ve partied harder with a kidney infection than you have in your whole life.
You wouldn’t know real fun if it sat on your face and called you “dad.”
📝 Post #23 – Slylee
Can we just all agree that the only one who should be sleeping in dumpsters is BTG?
Love you, boo.
📝 Post #24 – BTG
i'm literally posting this from the back of a Value Village.
and i'm STILL more alive than nou.
📝 Post #25 – nou
Wow. Cool. Y’all win. Great job.
Maybe I am out of touch.
Enjoy your moldy chicken stories.
📝 Post #26 – Mr. Mystery
This is the most entertainment I’ve gotten out of this place in years.
Keep punching each other, you animals.
📝 Post #27 – Citric Acid
Wait wait wait—nou, weren’t you the one who said EDM was “too loud” at a club?
Sir. You are not the arbiter of cool.
📝 Post #28 – nou
I was trying to have a conversation. But sure, go off.
Also Citric, wasn’t your big claim to fame that you once took a selfie at Ultra and tagged it “#deep”?
📝 Post #29 – SushiPunk
Oooooohhhhh
Popcorn status: HOT
Also BTG you owe me $5 and a half-smoked J from last week’s thread.
📝 Post #30 – Melly Mel
This thread has everything.
Shame
Regret
Vivid’s garden gnome sex life
Nou’s spiral into existential crisis
I am thriving.
📝 Post #31 – Vivid Boy
BREAKING: Nou just DM’d Swamper asking for a “safe space” thread.
Swamp said he’d consider it… then banned him for 10 minutes.
📝 Post #32 – Radagast (from another alt, "RealNou77")
I support Nou.
Dumpster culture is degenerate and you’re all doomed.
Signed, totally not Nou.
📝 Post #33 – Swamper (Admin Intervention)
🎤 ADMIN VOICE
You guys are giving me flashbacks to 2005 when someone mailed me a USB stick full of ASCII porn.
Clean it up or I’m nuking this thread harder than Nou’s rep.
📝 Post #34 – Wicked Neo
Not even going to mod this. Just here for the fire.
Someone pass me a lawn chair and a warm cider.
📝 Post #35 – Vivid Boy
Nou’s so fragile, I sneezed on a post and his ego caught a cold.
Someone write a limerick about this meltdown. InB4TehLock
📝 Post #36 – igottaknow
There once was a poster named Nou,
Who thought he'd enlighten the crew.
But one post too snide,
And we lit up his hide,
Now he moderates forums for glue.

Black Mirror vibes

Wuv u guys

___________________
Wave is to particle as zero is to one as bagpipes are to modem noises.

BRO

what the fuck am i reading? I'm trying to come here hammered and look at posts, but it's literally a fucking wall of text of code

tl;dr that shit dog

the only thing i saw was "A complete loser who debates sandwiches at 2 AM"

checks out imo