|
How to kill yourself like a man.
I was applying for a job to become a suicide prevention counselor
the other day, when the guy interviewing me started bitching
about how boring his job had become. The only people
he ever hears from anymore are 14 year old girls who try to
overdose on Tylenol. YAWN. How about killing
yourself with some style? How about killing yourself like a man?
Here are some manly ways to shove off this mortal coil, along with
ratings for each category from 1 to 10:
Eat a tub full of beans:
Manliness: 8 |
Style: 4 |
Awesomeness: 8 |
Mess: 5 |
What you need: a tub, enough beans to fill said tub.
How to do it: just dig in, you chunky son of a bitch! Keep eating until you
can't possibly eat anymore, then eat some more. Your gut will
rupture and you will shit yourself. The cool thing about this method is that
it's not only disgusting to clean up, but you'll probably be so bloated from
the beans (choose Van Camp's by the way, not Bush's baked beans unless you
like the taste of beans pickled in ball sweat) that you probably won't fit in
the casket
without some serious reconstructive surgery. Guess who's footing the bill
for that one? That's right: friends and family. Just kidding. You have
no friends.
Strangle yourself:
Manliness: 9 |
Style: 4 |
Awesomeness: 4 |
Mess: 0 |
What you need: hands.
ALT="Vincent Price was a real man" ALIGN="RIGHT" HSPACE="10" VSPACE="5" BORDER="0">
How to do it: strangling yourself with your own hands has long been
thought impossible because when your body stops getting enough
oxygen, you pass out and start breathing normally again. Passing out while
you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing.
You're the one who has
to deal with the embarrassment of having the paramedics finding your
dumb ass passed out on the floor in a puddle of your own drool, as they
begrudgingly take you to the hospital where the doctors would
be so disappointed that one of them might try to strangle you themselves.
And if they don't, give me a call; I will.
Even the late Vincent Price strangled
himself to death. Either that or lung cancer, but I can't be bothered to
look it up. Eat shit.
Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 |
Style: 3 |
Awesomeness: 8 |
Mess: 0 |
What you need: balls.
How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but
the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground.
Step 1: Hold your breath.
Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.
Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed.
Razor blade:
Manliness: 5 |
Style: 2 |
Awesomeness: 8 |
Mess: 7 |
What you need: razor, neck.
How to do it: how many times have you tried to kill yourself with
a razor blade by slashing up your wrists, only to be told "it's down the
highway, not across the street"? Then you listen to this advice and
cut up your arms like some
amateur dipshit who doesn't know what she's doing. Your boyfriend dumped
you. You can't go on because you're the only person who has ever been
dumped and this is the most painful thing that has happened to anyone
who has lived 14 consecutive years, so it's time for
the solace only decapitation can bring you. Make sure to go all the
way through the spinal column.
Cadbury surprise:
Manliness: 9 |
Style: 8 |
Awesomeness: 12 |
Mess: 8 |
What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper,
and replace them with cadbury
easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself.
Your family may hate the suicide, but
everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with
plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?!
Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the
last two treats.
Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10 |
Style: 3 |
Awesomeness: 10 |
Mess: 4 |
What you need: a sidewalk.
How to do it:
Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.
Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for
suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For
example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship
was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits.
Then I picked up my jacket
and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of
bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.
Lick a hooker's ass:
Manliness: 0 |
Style: 1 |
Awesomeness: 1 |
Mess: 10 |
What you need: a hooker, $0.75.
How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass
buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If
she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than 75
cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her
since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it
counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered
shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some
alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because
you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit
properly depending on their clientele.
The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working.
Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in
hives. Then just wait a
few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will.
Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can't afford not to kill
yourself!
That's it for now. Just remember: it's your suicide, have fun with it.
365,553 people have failed at failing.
[email protected]
Back to how much I rule...
___________________
| 
Proud member of the "Filthy Zionist" coalition 
