A baby seal walks into a club.

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"I think i'll name my testicles Mysaq. So then I can be like, "wooah woowwho whwowooaaa there Mysaq, it's not a good idea to teabag a tarantula."" - Glade776

quote:

Originally posted by Theresa A stand up comedy act by Eddie Murphy from like.. the eighties is one of my favourites of all time! [Singing AND Dancing] I've got some ice cream, I've got some ice cream! And you ain't got none, cause your daddy's on welfare![/Laughing my fricken ass off!] He rules If anyone knows what I am talking about, props to you

So a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, when the bear turns to the rabbits and goes "Excuse me, do you have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "No..". So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

quote:

Originally posted by Theresa A stand up comedy act by Eddie Murphy from like.. the eighties is one of my favourites of all time! [Singing AND Dancing] I've got some ice cream, I've got some ice cream! And you ain't got none, cause your daddy's on welfare![/Laughing my fricken ass off!] He rules If anyone knows what I am talking about, props to you

Are you talking about his Delirious stand-up? COs yeah that one is hilarious.

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

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FAVORITE JOKE EVER.

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut.
The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair.
At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He
dosen't know if he's going to like it at first, but
he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up
with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse
walks in, kneels down & blows him without saying a
word.

The guy gets on the phone with his son and says,
"Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for
putting me in this nursing home!".

The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What
happenened?"

The old man says, "You won't believe it! I woke up
this morning with a hard on & the most beautiful
nurse I've ever seen came into my room and blew me.
Didn't say a word, just blew me."

"Well that sounds great dad, congratulations."

Later that day the old man is walking down the hall
in his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A
big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants
off, screws him and leaves him there in a heap.

The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "Son
you've got to get me out of here, this place is
nuts!"

"What happend pop you sound terrible!"

"Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down
and I couldn't get up. Then this big hillbilly
orderly came by, ripped my pants down and screwed
me!"

"Well ya know dad you got a blowjob this morning, You
gotta take the good with the bad..."

"No, you don't understand, Son!"

"I only get a hard on once a month! I fall down
three-four times a day!"

There's a 25 year-old man walking a tightrope across a river gorge, meanwhile on the opposite side of the planet, there's another 25 year-old man getting a blowjob from a 78 year-old woman.

Remarkably, both men were thinking the same thought at that moment...........






































don't look down.

quote:

Originally posted by Rodrico So a bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, when the bear turns to the rabbits and goes "Excuse me, do you have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "No..". So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Haha... this joke would be a hellofalot funnier if it read "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur", but I get it anyway

so adam is all alone in the garden of eden when god says to him "well adam, i can give you a female companion who will always pick up after you, make every meal, never complain, be physically attractive, smart, funny, and please you sexually like you have never felt.... but the only catch is that it will cost you one of your legs."

so adam thinks about for a long time and then he says to god "well, what can i get for a rib?"

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quote:

Originally posted by insecurity There's a 25 year-old man walking a tightrope across a river gorge, meanwhile on the opposite side of the planet, there's another 25 year-old man getting a blowjob from a 78 year-old woman. Remarkably, both men were thinking the same thought at that moment........... don't look down.

hahaha quality

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"The first stage of the great adventure has concluded happily, and here I am installed in Mexico, although I have no idea about the future" Che Guevara

if you were friends with a tightrope walker, and you were both walking down a sidewalk and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable

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http://www.youtube.com/mezzir