A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.



Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought
they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under four conditions.

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The
Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated "You gotta give me another week
to come up with the $500.00."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

"I Miss Bill Clinton"

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he
misses
Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked
weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at
him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a
check from the government every month."

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the
nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in
hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and
nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

quote:

Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

Fucking perfect.

quote:

Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary

End of thread. Nothing can top this.

___________________
I'm the trouble starter, fuckin' instigator.
I'm the fear-addicted, danger illustrated.

quote:

Originally posted by VERTiG0 Fucking perfect.

*clears throat*

Looks like you'll be sleeping with Foster and Dakota this weekend.
(yes they are dogs...)

___________________
Shut up and DANCE!!
House moves my body, Trance owns my soul, Progressive drives me wild

*To: My Loving Wife....** *

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in
his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile...
somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:


====================================================

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 9 June 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send
e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.
Regards,
Your Loving Husband

___________________
music is the answer

quote:

Originally posted by Cosmic Fur End of thread. Nothing can top this.

quote:

Originally posted by VERTiG0 Fucking perfect.

glad you guys enjoyed it.

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


Thanks to Miss Julia for posting this on myspace...

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

Dave it seems like you're the only one having fun in this thread! hahaha

___________________
Shut up and DANCE!!
House moves my body, Trance owns my soul, Progressive drives me wild

quote:

Originally posted by nusty An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and lifts, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


....


BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

___________________
TECHNO IS THE BEST NOISE ON EARTH.
Save Techno - Stop Minimal / Tech-House