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Last year, when we had weather that was just as cold, I shared the details of a traumatic event that happened to me, with fellow TA's in the Toronto forum. Its a true story - enjoy!
A weird thing happened to me this morning on my way to work:
I stepped out my front door into the winter wonderland that is our home(by winter wonderland, ofcourse, I mean freezing hell). Being so cold as it was, both my nipples instantly popped through the fabric of my coat, and my right one poked my neighbour in the eye.
Here's where things started to get a little bizare. Walking to my car, I heard a thin, unfamilliar voice wailing about the cold. I tried to pinpoint the source of this voice, and comprehend the muffled cries I was hearing.
Now, you might imagine my surprise when I realized that it was my penis, who had chosen this opportunity to voice his concerns regarding the morning's bitter weather conditions. I looked down in utter shock when it dawned on me that the pleas for rescue and warmth were coming from within my pants. I cried out in alarm, "Since when can you speak, penis?" To which he replied, "Since when do you physical abuse and torture your one true best friend?"
I thought that last comment was rather harsh, and rudely snapped back, "Hey listen, penis my friend, its not my fault that its so cold out today, and I'm suffering out here as much as you are." I thought my clear and simple logic would reach my penis, but I was wrong.
"Listen here, you dick," said my penis, "You get me to some warmth, or I'm leaving and I'm taking Wal and Pea with me." It was only then that I realized the severity of the situation. At this point in my life I could not afford to lose my guy, and my two nuts - not with all the internet porn that was at my disposal. I was going to have to negotiate like I'd never negotiated before.
"How bout, as soon as we are in the car, I blast the heat and aim all the vents right at you and your boys?" I offered, confident the whole ordeal would soon be over.
"Fuck you. No deal," barked my penis, "We won't settle for anything less than a beach in Spain." And with that, he unzipped my fly, and jumped to ground, carrying a nut under each arm, and took off down the driveway.
I was panic stricken. What would I do without my penis? My mind was racing with possible solutions to my predicament, already devising plans to build a new penis with pipe cleaners, elbow macaroni, glue and sparkles. Fortunately for me, I had some luck on my side this morning. I watched in glee as my penis wiped out on a slick patch of ice as he tried to escape to the street. He was down and out.
"Gotcha!" I yelled, as I scooped up my penis and shoved him back inside my pants. I then ran down the street chasing my nuts. Fortunately, nuts roll slowly on icy and snowy surfaces, and after half a block I caught up with them, and put them back in their place.
Running down the street must have increased my body temperature, because I didn't hear one complaint from my penis after I returned him to his home. Either that, or his pride was hurt. You see, it doesn't take much to wound the pride of a penis.
I don't hold grudges. I'm a nice guy like that. I got in the car, blasted the heat, and aimed all the vents at my penis anyway.
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I gots some of them there songs I wrote, mmm hmmm that's right ---> www.TrevorKay.tk
We are the ones we've been waiting for
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