Two men are walking down the street and approach a building
The one guy turns aroud and says:
-"I bet you that the girl whose screwing that man right in that appartment has her period"
the other man replies"
-"your bet is on"
the one guy goes upstairs and knocks on the door. the boyfriend opens the door,half naked.
"Yes may I help you?"
the guy then replies
-"ahh ya, my friend and I were wondering if your girlfriend has her period?"
the half naked man rubs his mouth and says"What makes you say that?"

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I got these in my e-mail, ok some of these are not as funny but some are.....just thought I'd share

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

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****It takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it****
*************************************************

Not sure if this one's been posted before my time, but I figured we could use a superhero joke:

One day, Superman is flying through the city when he sees Wonder Woman lying out in the sun, totally naked.

He thinks to himself, "Hmm, I move faster than the eye can see, I bet I could do her so fast that she won't even see me!"

So he flies down, has his way, then flies off completely satisfied, all in a split second.



Wonder Woman opens her eyes, looks around, and says "what was that?"



The Invisible Man says "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell!"

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My party schedule:
2009-02-21 - DJ Attention @ I'm So Popular
2009-06-18 - DJ Annoying @ People Need To Know Where I'll Be
2012-11-32 - DJ Insufferable ɸ Or At Least the Stalkers I Complain About
2048-06-66 - Spastic & Whocares ¶ Although I'm Actually Flattered
9999-45-81 - Tweaker Gimp ☼ I Probably Won't Even Go To This But I Have To Make Sure I Fill Up All The Available Space Here

quote:

Originally posted by TranceKitten WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Hahaha, those two are my favourites.

___________________
My party schedule:
2009-02-21 - DJ Attention @ I'm So Popular
2009-06-18 - DJ Annoying @ People Need To Know Where I'll Be
2012-11-32 - DJ Insufferable ɸ Or At Least the Stalkers I Complain About
2048-06-66 - Spastic & Whocares ¶ Although I'm Actually Flattered
9999-45-81 - Tweaker Gimp ☼ I Probably Won't Even Go To This But I Have To Make Sure I Fill Up All The Available Space Here

A lady shows up at a doctors office. The lady has a frog sitting
and stuck on top of her head.
The doctors asks the lady: "How can I help you today?".
The frog replies: "Something got stuck to my ass".

Redneck Computer Lingo

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip


Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a torch into her ear...

___________________
****It takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it****
*************************************************

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

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Great Music Stations: 2HP.ca Radio & etn.fm

quote:

Originally posted by djeso When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees."

funny shit

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[alk]

A blonde walks onto a TTC bus, she says to the bus driver "Take me to Dundas".
The bus driver doesn't say anything and points at the box where you put the money or ticket.
The blonde bends down and puts her mouth near the money slot and says "Take me to Dundas."

___________________
Dreams are made so real if you believe in the way that you feel

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of
course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I ! want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out,

"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No
problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And
your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, ! my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked

"How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

___________________
If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport
Proud Founder of the "Fuck you, you're annoying, i don't like you, bitch" Alliance.
~Official Member of the Dirty Clown Alliance~

Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

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Great Music Stations: 2HP.ca Radio & etn.fm