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Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore.
The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should screw her?", and the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?"
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A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
"Fuck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.
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Once upon a time, there was a mother who was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue,"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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a little 8 year old got a new bike for christmas and decided to go for a ride.
while out a cop stops him...
Cop: did you get that bike for christmas?
KID: yeah!!
COP: did santa get for you?
KID: yeah santa got it for me!!
COP: well i'm gonna have to give you a ticket, next time santa gives you a bike tell him i has to have a reflector on it.
this upset the kid because he had no way to pay the ticket.
KID: did you get that horse for christmas?
COP (decided to play along) : yes.
KID: did santa get it for you?
COP: yes he did.
KID: WELL TELL SANTA NEXT TIME THE DICK GOES UNDER THE HORSE NOT ON TOP OF IT!!
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One day in Mrs. Fenley's class it was time to go home.
She said "Class, if you answer these three questions you may leave."
She wrote all three questions on the board.
First who said this, "I have a dream".
Little Susie raised her hand and said Martin Luther King Jr.
Mrs. Fenley said, "that is correct. Next who wrote "Four score and seven years ago".
Little Jill raised her hand and said that was Abraham Lincoln.
Mrs. Fenley said that's correct. Now you have one more question to go. Last, who wrote "The Constitution".
Little Molly raised her hand and said Thomas Jefferson.
The teacher said that's right.
Right then the teacher turned around to the black board and little Billy said
"I wish those Bit**es would keep their mouth shut".
Then Mrs. Fenley turned to the class and said "who said that?"
Little Billy raised his hand and said BILL CLINTON.
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavor candies and told the kids to close their eyes and taste each flavor. The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavors, they were all stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick, spit them out - they're assholes!"
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Time exists so everything doesn't happen at once. Space exists so everything doesn't happen to you
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5 fuckin stars!
