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haha i got the best away messages uve ever heard but its long just read through it
ok its a series of away messages from a slightly disturbed friend of myn i actually think he talks to his toe while he writes these away messages lol
Toe: I would have loved to have taken like a history class like three thousand years ago. Shit never happened. It would be like, 'What haaaaaapened-' "Nothing." 'That's right.' Or it would be like, 'Who invaaaaaaded-' "We did." 'That's right.' Now that's an easy A.
Evan: Did you steal that bit.
Toe: Yeah.
Evan: It could be funny. You have to work on your delivery.
Toe: Man.
Evan: Just saying.
Toe: I'm not Joe Mande over here. I'm just doing this for fun.
Evan: Well it would be more fun if you worked on your delivery.
Toe: Well maybe you'll have more fun crying on the ground.
Evan: Mark it. Toe's first threat.
Toe: Don't think I did that just for the shock value.
Evan: Yeah yeah go stub yourself.
Toe: Nice one you robot-lookin fool.
Evan: I look like a robot?
Toe: Yeah.
Toe: Here's my problem, man.
Evan: Not in the mood, Toe.
Toe: Just hear me out.
Evan:
Toe: It's like, everyone says that you should work on your inner happiness and try to appreciate the things that really matter in life, but no one tells you how to do that. All they do is set the expectations really high. You know why people think that plastic surgery and shit can make you happier, don't you. Because it does. But everyone looks down on them because they're taking the easy way out to happiness. My question is this: what's the hard way? We all want to change, we just don't know how.
Evan: Toe, you bring up a very good point. I'm not sure I have the answer to your question.
Toe: I didn't think you would.
Evan:
Toe: And that's why I've decided to get calf implants.
Evan: Dude, what the fuck?
Toe: If you have a glass of water, and leave it on your desk and go out for the day, and you come back and the glass is still there, is it okay to drink it?
Evan: I guess it depends how much dust you have floating around.
Toe: Well what's a good amount?
Evan: I don't know. I guess you should just play it safe and get a new glass of water.
Toe: How come you always drink it then?
Evan:
Toe:
Evan: Toe we don't talk about things like that in public.
Toe: Why not?
Evan: I don't know, it's just better to discuss things in private to make sure they're not embarrassing.
Toe: Why would that be embarrassing?
Evan: I don't know. Like. Picture me drinking a bunch of dust. Then I look stupid.
Toe: But you are stupid.
Evan:
Toe: I'm all about honesty man. Also, do you still lick your
Toe: Do you ever think the word euphemism is used as a euphemism?
Evan: What do you mean.
Toe: I don't know, like, if someone doesn't, I don't know, turn in their library books on time, and then justifies it by saying something like, my books were slightly tardy, or something. And then someone else was like, yeah I think that's a euphemism. Like, I don't know. That's not a euphemism. It's a fucking lie. In fact, I think maybe euphemism is always a euphemism. If something deserves the title euphemismm, I'm betting it's a flat out lie.
Evan: I doubt euphemism is always a euphemism.
Toe: Like what.
Evan:
Toe:
Evan:
Toe:
Evan: Well. What about facial blemish.
Toe: Are you serious.
Evan: Not really. I don't know, we'll find one.
Toe: I don't know. I guess it's weird because everyone shows up to school, and they find themselves trying to establish their ideal selves in the minds of others. It's dangerous, man. I've seen kids go four straight years trying to live up to what they wished they were instead of just living it up the real way, man. It's crazy.
Evan: Look at you. You're a disgrace…Meaningless rants that never cease.
Toe: You'll see what I mean, man. These college kids today, they don't even know who they are. In fact, they don't even know what people want them to be. But rest assured, once they find out, they'll do their best to be it.
Evan: Wasting my time with this nonsense.
Toe: You'll see, man. You'll see.
Toe: Alright, here's my deal. I'm all for skepticism, I think it's more or less the nectar of life. But I keep coming across all this shit that I doubted at first and now I like. Examples include but are not limited to baggy pants, Abercrombie, and drinking alcohol. I mean, maybe there's something to be said for skepticism of skepticism?
Evan: Maybe you should try being truly skeptical instead of just questioning the things that make you uncomfortable.
Toe: Now wait just a minute, are you trying to insinuate that baggy pants made me uncomfortable?
Evan: Well?
Toe:
Evan:
Toe: I feel so weak.
Evan: It's okay man. You're a stronger toe for it.
Toe: They were just so...different. What could I do? What could I do?
Evan: I know, man. I know.
Toe: And Abercrombie!
Evan: I know.
Toe: Aaaberrrcrommmmbie!
Toe: So I decided to go camping in the boundary waters for like six months- keep in mind this is a couple of years back, you know, and there's this guy who works at the outfitters and there's a picture of him when he was clean shaven, right, but in real life he has a beard. So he said he hadn't shaved in three months, and I'm like, you know, I'll be in there for six months, and when I get back we'll compare beards, you know. So six months later I get back and it turns out the guy died three months into my trip.
Evan:
Toe: So you know, his beard stopped growing when he was dead.
Evan:
Toe: So our beards were the exact same- six months of beard.
Evan:
Toe: I don't know, I felt kind of guilty.
Evan:
Toe:
Evan: He would have been buried. You didn't see his beard. That story is not true.
Toe: Naysayer.
Toe: So it was funny, I was brushing my teeth, and I wasn't really paying attention, you know, so the brush like slipped out of my mouth and touched my chin.
Evan: So what.
Toe: So you know. That's funny.
Evan: Why.
Toe: I don't know, I mean. For a second there, you know...
Evan:
Toe: I was brushing my chin.
Evan: Yeah that would be funny if I were on like...
Toe:
Evan: You know, drugs.
Toe:
Evan:
Toe: I don't know. I kind of want to try it again.
Evan: Okay now you're just being ridiculous.
Toe: Just saying man. Chin brushing. It's kind of relaxing. Maybe I could start a fad.
Evan: Man. Do you get that I know that you don't brush your teeth. I know you don't do any of the shit you talk about. You're a toe, man. You're living a lie.
Toe: You know, some of us have to settle for lies. Asshole.
 
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