A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership.
She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over
to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes
her.
Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say....If you farted just
touching it
... you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

quote:

Originally posted by *~LiSa-LoO~* Dave it seems like you're the only one having fun in this thread! hahaha

If just one person laughs or smiles because of these then I'm happy. It says there are over 500 views of this thread and only 37 posts or so... so I'm guessing that others must be reading at least some of this thread from time to time even if they aren't posting in it.

Hell, I just re-read some of the older ones I had forgotten about and smiled.
Even if it's just you laughing at me and how I'm the only one posting these emails, then that still works for me.
Some of these are notably horrible as far as jokes go, but some seem to have some redeaming humour.
Hope you're doing well lisa.

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

quote:

Originally posted by nusty Scientists have suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestr ogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary

this needs a thread of its own

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?








Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

quote:

Originally posted by nusty If just one person laughs or smiles because of these then I'm happy. It says there are over 500 views of this thread and only 37 posts or so... so I'm guessing that others must be reading at least some of this thread from time to time even if they aren't posting in it. Hell, I just re-read some of the older ones I had forgotten about and smiled. Even if it's just you laughing at me and how I'm the only one posting these emails, then that still works for me. Some of these are notably horrible as far as jokes go, but some seem to have some redeaming humour. Hope you're doing well lisa.

Awwww you're so sweet Dave! I haven't heard from you forever. Well you definatly made me smile I hope you're doing well too. Hopefully we'll get to meet up again eventually!

___________________
Shut up and DANCE!!
House moves my body, Trance owns my soul, Progressive drives me wild

quote:

Originally posted by nusty You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

HAHAHAA!!! YES , nice!

quote:

Originally posted by *~LiSa-LoO~* Awwww you're so sweet Dave! I haven't heard from you forever. Well you definatly made me smile I hope you're doing well too. Hopefully we'll get to meet up again eventually!

I'll back in NYC right following labourday weekend. So at least that puts me back a hell of a lot closer to Toronto than I've been in the last 8 months living between New Orleans and Los Angeles. Hopefully either you guys/gals can come down again for a weekend or I'll come up.

I'm doing pretty well, lots of work right now but the crunch ends tomorrow at midnight, and after that its clear sailing for a few weeks.

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

quote:

Originally posted by nusty I'll back in NYC right following labourday weekend. So at least that puts me back a hell of a lot closer to Toronto than I've been in the last 8 months living between New Orleans and Los Angeles. Hopefully either you guys/gals can come down again for a weekend or I'll come up. I'm doing pretty well, lots of work right now but the crunch ends tomorrow at midnight, and after that its clear sailing for a few weeks.

Good to hear you're doing well. I'm always down for a trip to the Big Apple!

[/hijack]

___________________
Shut up and DANCE!!
House moves my body, Trance owns my soul, Progressive drives me wild

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.!

He sees him banging his head! against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
> After his talk he offers question time.
> One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
> Stanley," responds the little boy.
> And what is your question, Stanley?"
> I have 4 questions:
> First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
> Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
> Americans don't have health insurance?
> Just then, the bell rings for recess.
> George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
> When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's
> right: question time. Who has a question?"
> Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and
> asks him his name.
> Steve," he responds.
> And what is your question, Steve?"
> "Actually, I have 6 questions.
> First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
> Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
> Americans don't have health insurance?
> Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
> And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip