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Make a homemade card, and really put your all into it. A little elbow grease goes a long way. Take some card stock, but not too thick (not too thin either), make sure it's sturdy, and cut it into a neat original shape (hearts work well for this). Then take another color, and make some shapes you can glue on to the front. Boxes work well, because you can decorate them as gifts. Oooh, you could even make a tree, since it is that time of the year after all! A few small circles for ornaments, and voila! Then on the front use a calligraphy pen to write something like "I love you Mom..." - she'll practically be fawning before she even opens it. The inside is the most important part though. Before you start working on it, take a laxative or two, just enough to get the job done, not enough to cause any serious problems. When you make your trip to the bathroom, take a paint brush. Make sure you dip the paint brush in your excrement, because it will really add that special touch. Now go back to the card, open it up, and with the shit-smeared paint brush write in big block letters the word "NOT!"
Then you won't even be expected to come up with any gifts for the rest of the 19 days!!!
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