quote:

Originally posted by DigiNut I don't think there are any. Let's start one - here are the new 10 commandments: 1. I am the LORD Thy God. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me, with the following exceptions: Paul Bernardo, Jeffrey Dahmer, David Berkowitz, and Ted Kaczynski. 2. All who oppose the word of God, Bernardo, Dahmer, Berkowitz and Kaczynski shall be imprisoned and taunted for 12 years, then put to death by live embalming. 3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, suchwith by making at least Three Human offerings to the LORD. 4. Thou shalt not kill, except in instances of (2) and (3); or whenst someone givest not thou their money; or whenst they refuseth to lie with thee; or whenst they looketh the wrong way at thee. 5. Thou shalt not steal without first checking to see that the Coast is Clear, or being suitably equipped with a weapon to Silence thy Witnesses. 6. Honor thy father and mother by fathering a child with thy mother and sending thy father into the Next Life. 7. Thou shalt not commit adultery without the due infliction of severe pain or death upon Thy partner. 8. Thou shalt not covet Thy neighbour's wife unless thou art prepared to take her by force; or by sword; or by Arson. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's Other Property without being prepared to Take or Destroy it. 9. Thou must eateth only the meat of thy fellow man; all who eat food from the Earth, or the Trees, or the Small Creatures, shall be put to death by catapult. 10. This is the word of the LORD; there can be no contradictions nor errors. Now... who wants to think of a name?

thats gold how about call it Christianity

quote:

Originally posted by MrSquirrel When one is 16 you get into this phase of "I know everything and everyone else is stoopid" (we all did).

Ah, the memories. Come to think of it, I might have been on to something.

quote:

Originally posted by WhoaNellie1487 When a person gets saved, they give their life to the Lord. We are still sinful people,and we still have sins we are weak to. (Everyone has sins they are weak to unfortunatly.) But, Once you are saved. God works with you on those sins so that you can become stronger,so you can over come the temptation. The fact of the matter is, Desire isn't the correct word. So, I should have said " Christians don't want to sin. But, we still do. " Unfortunatly, We live in a sinful world..and we are sinful people.

Wait, so Nellie is a born again Christian?

time for a repost to all those n00bs who missed it the first time, enjoy



John and Mary Pay a Visit This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the
million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.' "

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
From the desk of: KARL
1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking!"

Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such
language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la la la la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
Ketchup anyone?

___________________
If God is the answer, it must have been a very stupid question.

You guys know how the term "religious war" is used to denote pointless arguments that have no hope whatsoever of resolution, right? For example, (for the *nix users out there) the Emacs vs. Vi "holy war."

Well... those arguments are called "religious wars" for a reason.

And here we have an actual religious argument... do you folks seriously think this will be resolved? If not, why do you continue arguing? Think about it. Really.

Last edited by Alccode on Mar-08-2004 at 02:42

quote:

Originally posted by occrider I haven't read the bible since sunday school in 5th grade

I have never touched a bible in my life, and don't plan on doing so. For me, the bible belongs to the same category as evil alien socialist-fascist propaganda.

quote:

Originally posted by Shakka Wait, so Nellie is a born again Christian?

Yes, I'm a Born again Christian.

___________________
~Nessa

quote:

Originally posted by arctic Isn't there one who really hates everyone's guts, and enjoys seeing us kill each other? This is really disconcerting.

maybe you can worship Satan im sure he hates everyone's guts and enjoys seeing people kill each other

No Nellie, that didn't answer my question. I asked you why the years 18-32 are missing in the bible. That's quite the chunk of time if you ask me.

Heh, this is somewhat on the topic. I was at ULTRA this weekend, and some man was standing there, telling us we were all going to burn in hell for listening to EDM. Guess what- He was a Christian.

___________________
aka Tits McGee
aka Chesty LaRue
aka Busty St. Claire

quote:

Originally posted by anuneventrade No Nellie, that didn't answer my question. I asked you why the years 18-32 are missing in the bible. That's quite the chunk of time if you ask me. Heh, this is somewhat on the topic. I was at ULTRA this weekend, and some man was standing there, telling us we were all going to burn in hell for listening to EDM. Guess what- He was a Christian.

Hrrmmm my friend, who's an aetheist, is down there and he got mugged outside of space this morning . God's wrath? Absolutely!

___________________
Retro ...

quote:

Originally posted by albertoR maybe you can worship Satan im sure he hates everyone's guts and enjoys seeing people kill each other

Someone correct me if I am wrong, but I'm pretty sure that Satanism is not based on hatred or death. Part of the Satanic philosophy is that Satan is not really a bad guy, it's just that the bible and God depict him so in order to keep followers. Satan, in actuality (actuality as defined by the satanist), is no less forgiving, or pleasant than God, it's just that Satan doesn't have his own book or messiah to back him up.

I googled Satanism, and this is what i found:

http://www.dpjs.co.uk/modern.html

Last edited by nic01445 on Mar-09-2004 at 01:16