Finally understanding my mother, she sent me away when I was 5 to go live in a country thousands of kilometres away with someone I'd never met and for the majority of my early life and teenage years I resented her greatly for it and didn't understand why she had to give me up to live with my grandmother. There would have been no opportunities of a career, education or even citizenship under that political system of apartheid and even less of a chance to actually grow up comparatively well adjusted.
So, when I gave up my career at the time which was going well to look after her dying I finally got to meet her for more than a few weeks at a time and there wasn't anyone else to do it. She wasn't nearly as bad a person as I had perceived her to be up until that point and realised that if nothing else she'd given me a mix of self reliance, independence and practical ability to judge things for my own benefit.
There's been times where things where fairly grim, losing her farm in Zimbabwe, a failed marriage, risking all I owned to make money, most of my immediate family and close relatives are dead, numerous other setbacks I've seen lay out the supposedly 'clever and stronger' people than myself into complete ruin.
And somehow, it doesn't seem to phase me and I end up on my feet or a few steps better off in life than I was before.

There's certain parts of her personality I don't have, charity, compassion and sense of adventure just for the sake of doing it so the world is a better place. I often derided her over wasting a career as a surgeon fixing up sick people in backwater countries for chump change for a few months a year, but it's probably something I shouldn't see as a professional failing. Indeed, my aggression, cold hearted and conservative way of living was sometimes to spite her in a lot of ways as being her diametric opposite.
Somehow I doubt I'll ever really change as a 'better' person out of guilt but it's made me in a lot of ways who I am and I don't see them as personal failings, just an aspect of how I ended up how I am.

-watching my dad try to strangle my pet dog when i was six.
-being forced to listen to my dad have sex with my mom or some shit with my mom when i was seven or eight. i used to cry in my sleep and break out in hot sweats. my parents told me it was because i drank too much 7up on night at a party. what fucken idiots.
-waking up and seeing my dad fondling me when i thirteen.
-watching my dad cry because my mom had cheated on him.

fucked up, but some people have had it worse. why be open? it's not like anyone knows me personally anyway or ever will. one day i will go, and all that will remain as a reminder of who i am will be these words.

___________________
UnauthorizedTranceAddict Youtube Channel where I post older mixes from the TA DJ Promotion Forum

My mixes:

Still up:1:2

Down:3:4:5

Last edited by Spacey Orange on Jul-26-2007 at 05:54

quote:

Originally posted by Lilith

i hear you.

i wasn't especially close to my parents, yet when my Mother called crying about how Father was in the hospital with terminal cancer and needed help- i dropped everything- a great job and things that were going very good right after my divorce.

he was still a dick- but when your dying of cancer you get some slack.
we got close that time i was there, and him dying in my arms just made it worse.
i may not have always liked Him, but he always had my six covered.

___________________

quote:

Originally posted by Spacey Orange -watching my dad try to strangle my pet dog when i was six. -being forced to listen to my dad have sex with my mom or some shit with my mom when i was seven or eight. i used to cry in my sleep and break out in hot sweats. my parents told me it was because i drank too much 7up on night at a party. what fucken idiots. -waking up and seeing my dad fondling me when i thirteen. -watching my dad cry because my mom had cheated on him. fucked up, but some people have had it worse. why be open? it's not like anyone knows me personally anyway or ever will. one day i will go, and all that will remain as a reminder of who i am will be these words.

wow thirteen? thats pretty old, do you think he was doing it before that too?
what did you say?

quote:

Originally posted by beats and beeps wow thirteen? thats pretty old, do you think he was doing it before that too? what did you say?

"if your going to stroke it, stroke it this way!"

edit

uh that was bad. i didn't say anything. i was shocked and never mentioned it at all. when he had a stroke that same year i really didn't give a fuck if he died. he had a heart attack recently and i still don't give a fuck. he deserves it.

i'd love to post more but it's already past eleven here, i have to drive an hour home, and get up at 5:30 again. whoopie.

___________________
UnauthorizedTranceAddict Youtube Channel where I post older mixes from the TA DJ Promotion Forum

My mixes:

Still up:1:2

Down:3:4:5

Last edited by Spacey Orange on Jul-26-2007 at 06:21

yeah for sure i feel that. my dad certainly wasnt sexually abusive, just liked to fuck me up and stuff, but he did seem to like to pull hair a lot too...maybe he got a boner from that?

I'm not sure whats worse physical (violent) abuse or sexual abuse. Oh well im still pretty sexually fucked up (according to stupid media and stuff) somehow lol!

oh yeah I talked to my dad on the phone for the first time since he kicked me out when i turned 18.

he threatened to do in me in lol.

but yeah i don't care if he dies...well obviously not since its never nice having someone wanting you dead. Unless he can come back as a ghost and go through walls. that would suck.

Now I see how it's possible for adults to turn out fucked up.

I've taken my violence and molestation-free upbringing for granted.

___________________
Mix archive | Melbourne club guide

im not harmful or dangerous lol.

and spacey isnt a sex criminal...right?

quote:

Originally posted by Beat Blog Now I see how it's possible for adults to turn out fucked up. I've taken my violence and molestation-free upbringing for granted.

don't confuse the unreal for the real. i'm probably one of the most salt-of-the-earth law abiding person you'd ever meet. srsly.

but i don't hate. i feel sorrow for my dad. when i was in school i came across Buddhism in Translations by Henry Clarke Warren in which i learned:

quote:

``He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,'' in those who harbour such thoughts hatred is not appeased. ``He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,'' in those who do not harbour such thoughts hatred is appeased. Hate is not overcome by hate; by Love (Metta) alone is hate appeased. This is an eternal law. The others know not that in this quarrel we perish; those of them who realise it, have their quarrels calmed thereby.

right bb. gotta run or i'll never get any sleep.

___________________
UnauthorizedTranceAddict Youtube Channel where I post older mixes from the TA DJ Promotion Forum

My mixes:

Still up:1:2

Down:3:4:5

Lossing my bestfriend and idol whene i was 16.

___________________
america controla

• Death of 2 close freinds - 1990 high School Prom - They tried to beat a Train and got hit. Both died on Impact.
  
• Having a complete stranger die in my arms due to a gun shot wound to the chest. trying to stop the bleeding and seeing and feeling the red blood froth oooze between my fingers while I cried.. feeling his life force leave his body will always stay in my mind.
  
• the birth of my oldest child
  
• coming home after dropping off divorce papers at court to find all of my Dj equipment, 2 TTS, 2 CDJs, Mixers, PA and about 10 crates of vinyl all gone.....later finding out the bitch sold them for a measly $500 bucks to support her coke habbit.
  
• Getting a Job with the Feds.
  
• forgiving and letting karma take care of all of the focks that every did me wrong.
  
• still spinning after 20 years
  
  

Yeh I red some responses as well and although I can't say I know how it feels to go through some harsh stuff like that, i can only imagine and I'm glad you guys mature over the years. As for me I dont have a lot of time but I'll write some quick things

- being raised by my mother alone (made me appreciate my mother more and also my father who worked out of the country to give is a better life)
- moving to america (made me appreciate the family and friends back in brazil and keep my head up no matter what, always be humble)
- learning the english language (made me understand that you have to be ambicious to be sucessful in this world)
- my strong religious teaching (whole new outlook to life, made me hopeful of a better future)
- REALLY discovering edm [pvd at cp 2006] (completely changed my dreams and plans for the future, finding my true passion was truly heartwarming and exciting)
- my younger sister's rebel phase ( she hurt my parents a lot and it made me appreciate them more and try to be the best son they could ask for)
- recently going through financial situations and having to move to my own basement ( made me appreciate the little things in life that i really did have and be able to mature each day at a speeding level)




mto bom seu tópico, lira. abraços.

___________________
201