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When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men�s blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature�s call. We�re so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.
You�re just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness �Man, Peeing in Garden�, the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink...simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not--more on this point in a moment.
Oh sure, many a woman has pee�d outside of the pot, though strictly as a matter of urgency and with much reluctance and with great angst. There is no female example of �whipping it out.� In fact, yours is a complete show. You fret about the location, the preparation, the sundries, minimizing dribble�christ almighty� it�s a fifteen minute ordeal. Men can sort of relate to your dilemma, like when we need to poop and there�s no bathroom in sight.
Anyway, I pee in the sink. I�ve been peeing into bathroom sinks for years. Convenience is my primary reason. But there are many very good reasons to pee in a sink. A few among them�
I can multitask, which is important to me: both my hands are free to brush teeth, comb hair, apply hygiene products, etc. I�ve never done and empirical study, but I am certain in my gut that cumulative hours are saved annually by peeing in the sink.
It�s environmentally conscientious. I conserve water when I pee in the sink. As I wash my hands or rinse my toothbrush, my pee is carried through the p-trap down into the sanitary line. Toilet, sink�as George Castanza explained, �It's all pipes!�
It�s the �green� thing to do. By peeing on dried toothpaste, solidified lungers, loose hair, and other lingering yuckiness stuck inside the sink, I save still more water and reduce phosphates and other nasty chemicals that might otherwise have been used to clean the sink.
It�s considerate. Regardless whether my girlie is sleeping, watching television, reading in silence, I do not disturb her with a cacophonous serenade of �man-peeing-into-toilet-then-flushing�. Peeing into a sink is very quiet.
It�s clean. There is no toilet water splash nor urine splatter on walls, seat or in the crannies of the commode. Here I bandy the duel argument of �less work� (by not scrubbing said surfaces after each use) and, consequently, �more green� (requires less use of environmentally harmful cleaning chemicals). Pee is, for the most part, sterile when it hits the sink, so no need to use expensive disinfectant. Thus I submit another good, albeit tenuous, reason I pee in the sink: it saves money.
It builds �relationship equity�. The seat is always down, which appears to my girlie as sublimely considerate and one those �little things� I do for her. This manifests, somehow, in better sex.
It�s hygienic. After my stream has diminished to a trickle, I splash a handful or two of water on my dick, thus washing it. I have a clean dick and I put my dick up against the dick of any �traditional� toilet user for some quantitative dick evaluation; eg.: stiff test, taste test. Rub my dick against glass and it squeaks.
I can think of violently few disadvantages to peeing in a sink. Off the top of my head:
- peeing into a sink after eating asparagus is very unpleasant;
- fishing a contact lens out of the sink while �multitasking� is disturbing; and,
- reflexive tumescence may result from the splash of overly cold or hot water, which can have messy consequences.
I confess that a lifetime of casually whipping it out and lettin� go when and wherever has caused my �Emergency Pee Shut Off� muscle�assuming it ever existed�to atrophy. Richard Pryor was correct that a man cannot cut off his stream �just like that�.
I am aware that this technique d'avant garde might offend the eyeballs of an accidental witness, so I always exercise discretion when I pee in the sink. That said, peeing in the sink is so routine for me that I am complacent, and I never thought up a contingency plan should someone walk in on me.
Just this morning my girlie busted me peeing in the sink, rather (as I now understand), �her� sink. She fucking had a cow and slapped my dick�hard �like it was a big hairy fucking spider on the countertop.
Thus I know from experience that getting caught peeing in the sink does not garner even the tiniest, wee little bit of appreciation of or for any of those benefits I mentioned above. Therefore, heed this exhortation: make damn site sure no one will walk in as you pee in the sink.
So there I am this morning, brushing my teeth in front of the mirror and quietly contemplating my day while a night�s worth of pee drained out of my unlimbered dick laying in the sink. My girlie sneaked up behind me topless as a playful, sexy morning surprise, and so intended, she was oblivious to my present commitment. She might as well have tossed a glass of ice water on my back �cause with the sudden and unexpected feeling of her hands around my midriff, I reflexively jerked up and away from the sink. My flaccid dick tossed about mid-stream until I could completely close down the relief valve. I was untethered for no more than.. what.. two seconds, but it seemed like I pee�d on fucking everything, including her jewelry box and her basket of stretchy hair things, both of which she was real unhappy about upon discovery. Miraculously, I missed her. She was incredulous. I sensed a radar-lock on my groin area and my hand moved instinctively to my protect my dick�but I was too slow. With the speed of a fucking praying mantis, she lashed at my dick and nailed it good. I hollered �what the fuck�, spewing frothy toothpaste on her, which only added to the indignity and intensified her fury. It was a fucking show this morning in our, rather, her bathroom.
I didn�t learn any lessons this morning (except maybe to lock the bathroom door). I did learn that my girlie is irrational and uptight about this particular issue. Frankly, fuck if I know what to do or what to say to her come this evening. I�m going to go to the restroom and take a good long look at myself in the mirror�mostly because I�ll be peeing in the sink, but also to steel my nerve and strategize for tonite.
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Captain Planet is gey.
Water, Fire, Earth, Wind, Heart???
These forces are supposed to combine to create Captain Planet?
Bullshit.
Those forces combine to create a soaking, boiling mudstorm on Valentine's Day.
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