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Meh, I've always lived (1) with my family, (2) by myself or (3) with my fiancée. And I like to write, so I'm going to talk the worst thing that never happened to me.
I didn't live with three people (four, depending on how you count) in an apartment no one of us rented next to the university. I'm not going to change their names because I firmly believe we should all be responsible for our acts. And because they don't exist anyway, so why bother?- Anjo, whose real name was João, was a really effeminate undergrad who studied literature. He had blond curly hair and green eyes, hence his nickname. He always made sure he mentioned to everyone he met that he once had a girlfriend in Rio de Janeiro. And that they only broke up because he had to move to Brasília. And that they both owned every single record Madonna ever released. Hey, why the smirk?! He's a born-again Christian who wouldn't ever lie down with a man like he did with his girlfriend! No problem if they were standing though;
- Amélia also studied linguistics, and she was one year behind me. She had an abusive boyfriend who was really nice to everyone... except her. Her iris was pitch dark, really black - and so was her eye on occasion. Did I really make fun of the domestic violence? I apologise, and so did her boyfriend every morning after he spent the night drinking got back home and knocked her and all the furniture about. His name was Antônio, by the way. They both became somewhat passive-aggressive after a while;
- Akiko was the sweet exchange student who spent a couple of years on this side of the world. Her hobbies were cooking, kickboxing, and walking around the house topless to tease João (she always did this when I wasn't home, and according to all reports I was given, the moment he saw her bosom, João would always clasp his hands together in front of his mouth and run away yelling... I never made fun of him because, were I single, I'd most likely have a very similar reaction, although I'd have most definitely run in the opposite direction). She was British, from Swansea. Oh, and she studied biology, by the way.
I always felt like the odd one out, being really different from everyone else. Probably because everybody had a (nick)name that begins with "A", and "Arcus" sounds really stupid. And I actually exist, unlike them. Besides, with the exception of Akiko, everyone behaved as if they had OCD (specially Amélia, who was diagnosed with it): not only was Akiko as disorganised as I am, she was also really dirty. No, not in the good sense, but in the Welsh one. She left so much pubic/public/unknown hair in the shower I always feared a mini-Chewbacca would come to life when the lights went out. She would keep her dishes dirty all week long so she'd grab all the left overs by the end of the week and make her Saturday Stroganoff. Had only Britain and Germany teamed up, I'm sure her SS would've killed more Jews than the German counterpart.
We were one happy dysfunctional family, with the exception of Amélia, who had been diagnosed with depression soon after she moved in. Until, one day, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Except for Akiko, who got really lucky.
14 June 2009
It was Valentine's Day here in Brazil and we all had plans, except for Amélia because she had broken up with her boyfriend the day before. I was going to visit my parents, as I do every Sunday; Anjo would help organise the June Festival of our block (scheduled to take place the following week) with the assistance of some bodybuilders from his church, and Akiko decided to crunch numbers all day long in the library. Meanwhile, Amélia stayed at home eating all the chocolate Easter eggs she saved for about two months (she always took her time because, although I forgot to mention, she was diagnosed with anorexia a while before she joined us)... though I can't really explain why she decided to eat all eggs at the same time.
Now, it doesn't rain from April to September here. At all. You're lucky if you spot a single cloud in the sky during this period. In 2009, however, there was a freak storm on (our) Valentine's Day. It started by the end of the afternoon, when Akiko was coming back home, and it got even worse once she got in. As soon as she entered the apartment, she made sure I wasn't around and took her shirt off, as she used to (besides she was all wet and dripping with the mud a car had accidentally thrown at her). She was so angry at the unsympathetic driver, who failed to notice her existence and offer her a lift home, that she forgot to lock the front door and, soon enough, there was a loud bang and in came Antônio (Amélia's now ex-boyfriend). Looking forward to having some fun after a rather boring day, Akiko ran to the living room and, without paying any attention to anything in front of her, she opened her arms and jiggled her breasts in the hope of hearing Anjo scream. After a second or two of complete silence, she opened her eyes, only to see a stunned and frozen Antônio with roses in one hand and a camera in the other recording his triumphal entrance (now taken to epic levels thanks to our Welsh friend).
"Rrrrurrr... Rurrrr... Amélia?" - somehow that was all Antônio managed to babble in his astonishment.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" - they both heard, as Anjo showed up behind Antônio a fraction of a second after Akiko opened her eyes.
Quite scared by Anjo's yell and by how that quite unlikely scene could be interpreted by an ignorant eye-witness, Antônio turned around and promptly tried to explain himself, as Anjo started walking backwards repulsed by Akiko's still dangling breasts. It didn't take long until the pressure built up, Anjo turned around and bolted towards the door, followed by Antônio (still taping everything with roses in his hand) and Akiko (who wanted to explain what was supposed to have happened). They all ran down the stairs (we lived in the third floor): Anjo shouting as if his life depended on the power and range his vocal chords, Antônio repeating "It's not what you think!" over and over again, and a shirtless Akiko whose breasts were now bouncing more than ever thanks to the stairs.
Anjo irrationally ran outside the building like a demented gazelle being chased by a hare, arms dangling as if he had completely lost control of his movements, where the bodybuilders who had given Anjo a lift home and the poor poster writing this story were. Anjo then threw himself against the buffest (is this a word?) body builder, pointed back at Antônio (yes, still taping everything with roses and all) and yelped:
"This bastard is a slimy unfaithful douche!"
Of course, as soon as a topless Akiko appeared before everyone's eyes, it all became clear. Crystal clear. And I wish I was wearing my glasses, so it could all be even clearer but, alas, I wasn't.
"Keep the camera as proof!", I yelled in the best of intentions, as the bodybuilders all charged against what now looked like a piñata with roses.
Amélia, quite startled by all the shouting, finally came to see what was going on... only to see Anjo around the neck of a bodybuilder, hugging him with arms and feet as if he were his scarf, a scantily-clad Akiko protecting her lady parts and trying to reach Antônio at the same time, and the poor fellow with a bouquet of roses carefully inserted exactly where your imagination led you to believe, all beaten up and murmuring something no one could understand. I then handed her the camera, which I got during the commotion, and hoped it would clear things up.
In the end, Akiko landed an awesome job as a model (one of the bodybuilders had a modelling agency) and is now a millionaire. Anjo started dating one of the bodybuilders as did Antônio, who apparently shared a deep connecion with the bloke who thoughtfully signalled his love placing with care and attention the flowers up his rectum. I remained impartial to everything, though I thought it would be a nice moment to move out, and the now jilted Amélia jumped off the balcony. She's all right though, she just can't feel the left side of her body.
And that's it. I'm glad none of this ever happened because, if it did, it would truly suck.
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