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Capt. Hans Geering: Do you not see? That if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the gâteau from the château.
René: Simple plots are always the best.
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[repeated line]
René: You stupid woman!
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Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Guards! Arrest all Gypsies driving fire engines.
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Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Unfortunately Der Führer has more confidence in his astrologers than in his generals. He is waiting for an omen to start the invasion.
[the other officers look at something flying past them off camera]
Col. Von Strom: Would a flying nun be a good omen?
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Edith: Rene, Michelle told me horrible news. Now, when I heard it I look ten years older.
René: You always look ten year older.
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Officer Crabtree: I have good nose.
René: Yes, you are very handsome...
Officer Crabtree: The troon has been bummed by the RAF.
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Capt. Bertorelli: Generalissimo, I embrace you.
[bearhugs von Klinkerhoffen to his extreme distaste]
Capt. Bertorelli: Mussolini has given me a present for you: the Italian War Hero Medal.
[produces medal]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Ah, the Italian War Hero Medal. I have never seen one of these...
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[upon seeing Leclerc's latest disguise]
René: Man of a thousand faces, every one the same.
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René: Yes, we are both from Nancy. We're just a couple of Nancy boys.
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[on telephone]
Herr Flick: Flick the Gestapo.... No, I said *Flick*, the Gestapo!
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Capt. Hans Geering: René, that is the jug with the drug.
René: After all that has happened, I could use a little aspirin.
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Officer Crabtree: God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge.
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Helga: What about the good news?
Herr Flick: The good news is there is no more bad news.
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René: We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet.
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Edith: Listen carefully, Michelle said this only once.
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[repeated line]
Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once.
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René: Yvette, Maria, will you help this exceedingly ancient woman before she kicks the bucket in my café?
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[Helga has come to the cafe to talk to Rene, when a clattering noise is heard from outside]
Helga: What was that?
René: Just the phantoms falling over the dustbins.
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Col. Von Strom: You are exceeding your authority. The Gestapo has no jurisdiction over senior officers of the German Army.
Capt. Hans Geering: Or junior officers.
René: What about café owners?
Capt. Hans Geering: They can do what they like with them.
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René: This is my wife, Edith. I have told her everything.
Michelle Dubois: Will she talk?
René: Incessantly. But not about anything important.
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Edith: Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before.
René: What, in tune?
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Col. Von Strom: Ah, Helga. What can we do for you?
Capt. Hans Geering: Judging from past experience, very little.
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Col. Von Strom: If you will tell me the names of the Resistance leaders, I will see that you are protected.
René: Protected? Against who?
Col. Von Strom: Me.
René: But, colonel, I do not know their names! They are mostly girls. They wear McIntoshes and little short white socks and berets like any other French girl. And they only reveal themselves at night.
Capt. Hans Geering: Like any other French girl.
Col. Von Strom: I wish I could get my hands on them.
Capt. Hans Geering: We both do.
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[Repeated Line]
Capt. Bertorelli: What a mistake-a to make-a.
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[Colonel Von Strohm has complemented Madam Edith]
René: The Colonel is drunk early this evening.
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[Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the Colonel to woo Madame Edith]
Col. Von Strom: How can I put this? I don't fancy her.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Colonel, how can *I* put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook.
Col. Von Strom: [starting to smile] Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that.
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[Yvette has brought more hot water for Rene's bath]
Yvette Carte-Blanche: The old boiler is in a terrible state.
René: I don't know why I married her in the first place.
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[Michelle and Rene are about to play a frame of snooker]
Michelle Dubois: What is the biggest break you've had on this table?
René: Just now, when my wife swallowed that story about the light bulb.
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[Rene has covered the gâteau for the Kaiser's birthday with sand]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You fool, what do you think you are doing?
René: I did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried.
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[Herr Flick has arrived to see the Colonel]
Helga: Do you have an appointment?
Herr Flick: I am Otto Flick of the Gestapo.
Helga: Oh, you don't need an appointment.
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[Rene is shaving in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door]
Yvette Carte-Blanche: Rene, what are you doing?
René: Cutting my throat, my love.
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Lt. Gruber: Madame Edith has an unusual voice, René. Was it trained?
René: Oh yes. But it escaped and returned to the wild.
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[Edith has suggested that Rene strap dynamite to himself, in order to blow up the General]
Edith: You will be buried as a great hero of France.
René: First you will have to scrape me of the wall.
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Col. Von Strom: [discussing the General] So far, he has only discovered the tip of the iceberg.
Capt. Hans Geering: You haven't stolen a whole iceberg, have you?
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[repeated line]
Roger Leclerc: [lifts glasses] It is I, Leclerc.
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René: May I tell you a little legend, Colonel? It is said that these champagne glasses were modeled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.
Capt. Hans Geering: They should have modeled them on Helga's bosom. We would have got a bigger drink.
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Capt. Hans Geering: Rene, your wife has many talents.
Col. Von Strom: Singing isn't one of them.
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[Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so René mimes to them that they must not go upstairs with the Germans]
Flying Officer Carstairs: [turning to Fairfax] What was all that about?
Flying Officer Fairfax: I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Is he like "that," then?
Flying Officer Fairfax: Oh, yes.
René: [to the others] And they must not speak.
[Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent]
Flying Officer Carstairs: What does that mean?
Flying Officer Fairfax: Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone.
Flying Officer Carstairs: Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.
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[repeated line]
Officer Crabtree: Good Moaning.
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[Colonel von Strohm reveals that he has discovered a plot by the Resistance]
René: Perhaps they were just trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen
Capt. Hans Geering: We're all trying to kill General von Kilnkerhoffen.
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[the airmen have come downstairs, minus their mustaches, dressed as serving girls]
Flying Officer Fairfax: Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.
[Carstairs drops his arm to his side]
Edith: [looking the airmen up and down] No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff.
René: Edith, the Germans *take* the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused?
Yvette Carte-Blanche: We are much more attractive. They will take us.
René: And suppose there is a rush?
Flying Officer Carstairs: What are they saying, Fairfax?
Flying Officer Fairfax: I've no idea - it's all in French.
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[the airmen have entered the cafe disguised as pallbearers, when a squad of Germans arrive]
Flying Officer Carstairs: What's going on?
Michelle Dubois: [English accent] Jerries. Keep quite or you'll be shot
Flying Officer Fairfax: [looking down] We're wearing the right clobber for it.
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[Fairfax and Carstairs are lying in Madame Fanny's bed]
Flying Officer Fairfax: If the Jerries caught us without uniforms, it would take a lot of explaining.
Flying Officer Carstairs: If they caught us in bed together, it would take even more explaing.
Flying Officer Fairfax: Carstairs, are you a grammar-school boy?
Flying Officer Carstairs: [shocked] How do you know?
Flying Officer Fairfax: You're wearing your socks in bed.
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Monsieur Alfonse: [about René] Thank God he is safe. The bravest transvestite in all of France.
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[repeated line]
Capt. Hans Geering: [shouts] Klop!
['tler!]
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Col. Von Strom: Helga. How did you get up to that little window?
Helga: I am standing on a peasant.
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[Edith has devised a plan to help get the airmen to the P.O.W. camp via the graveyard]
René: Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against.
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[the airmen are unhappy about being dressed as nuns]
Flying Officer Carstairs: Fella keeps trying to chat us up.
Michelle Dubois: [English accent] Didn't they suspect the moustache?
Flying Officer Carstairs: If you think mine's big, you should see the Mother Superior's.
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Flying Officer Carstairs: Look at my knees
[lifts up his "skirt"]
René: Why is he showing you his knees?
Michelle Dubois: He was a scrubber at ze nunnery.
René: No wonder they threw him out.
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[to a member of the Communist Resistance]
Capt. Bertorelli: You are a beyoodiful lyedee, but what a cow.
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[Michelle is disguised as a window cleaner]
René: Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows.
Michelle Dubois: Screw your windows!
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René: Excuse me, is this the secret headquarters of the Gestapo?
Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen: It was, until now.
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Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door when I heard a shat.
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Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the café, when I heard a lewd shout. I see in your hand a smoking goon; you must be the guilty potty.
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Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Heil Hitler!
Officer Crabtree: Howl Hotler!
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Officer Crabtree: My lips are soiled.
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Yvette Carte-Blanche: What is happening?
Maria Recamier: We were both aroused by the banging.
Edith: I too was aroused by the banging.
Roger Leclerc: I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles.
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Monsieur Alfonse: Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive...
René: I thought you wanted to marry her?
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Herr Flick: I have a box of sharp needles somewhere.
[opens a drawer]
Herr Flick: Ah, here they are.
Helga: What have you in mind, Herr Flick?
Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.
Helga: Hitler's speeches quite amusing?
Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.
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[Hans has accidentally run over Herr Flick's car with a steamroller]
Herr Flick: This is very serious! The Gestapo is only insured for third party!
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Col. Von Strom: [to René] If you do not get us the uniforms back, you will be shot!
Capt. Hans Geering: Up against the wall, with guns.
Het zijn WEL quotes 
Last edited by jp on Dec-05-2005 at 16:53
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