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Dear Technaut,
It has been 3 weeks since you last seen your cat. I might admit it; your cat is dead. It was a hairy fellow, with nice brown eyes and long tail. Too bad it couldn't stand being microwaved. The screaming and crying went on for about 30 seconds, before she exploded.
Was your cat a member of the IRA? Probably. The way your pet smashed into pieces was last seen in central London many years ago when a car bomb blew away some government building.
I guess you won't mind, being a Scotsman. Fluffy tasted fine, almost just as fine as the catfood I stole from your house.
How is your mother? Is she still swimming around Loch Ness? I loved the pic you send of her. Do you have it in color too? If so, please send me one.
In your last phonecall, you asked me to collect my semen. I've got some few bottles filled now. It's all nice and salty, just the way you like it. Since your operation, you can't masturbate anymore. I'm glad to help you out so you can still swallow some loads every day.
Transaut, your older sister, is finally having the baby? Good thing you made her pregnant just before you lost your testicles. Selling babies is still a good way to make cash. You could use the money to get your penis pierced again.
Hope you will answer this letter as soon as possible!
With regards,
JP
Ps: the heroin you asked for is included in the envelope!
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