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random hilarity
>> >Subject: Funnies!
>> >
>> >1 Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
>> >ambulance.
>> >
>> >2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
>> >skating rink.
>> >
>> >3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
>>the
>> >back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
>>buy
>> >cigarettes at the front.
>> >
>> >4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
>>fries,
>> >and a diet coke.
>> >
>> >5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
>>the
>> >pens to the counters.
>> >
>> >6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
>>the
>> >driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>> >
>> >7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
>> >then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
>>want
>> >to talk to in the first place.
>> >
>> >8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
>>in
>> >packages of eight.
>> >
>> >9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
>> >process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
>> >'bloodsucking creatures'.
>> >
>> >10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
>> >lettering.
>> >
>> >EVER WONDER......
>> >
>> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>> >
>> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>> >
>> >Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>> >
>> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>> >
>> >Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>> >
>> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
>> >
>> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
>>made
>> >with real lemons?
>> >Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>> >
>> >Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>> >
>> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>> >
>> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
>> >
>> >Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>> >
>> >Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>> >
>> >You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
>>don't
>> >they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
>> >
>> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>> >
>> >Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>> >
>> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>> >
>> >If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>> >
>> >In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods..............
>> >
>> >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
>> >
>> >On a bag of Fritos:! .....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
>> >Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
>> >
>> >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
>>would
>> >be how???....)
>> >
>> >On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
>>it's
>> >"just" a suggestion).
>> >
>> >On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
>>down."
>> >(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>> >
>> >On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating.! "
>> >(...and you thought????...)
>> >
>> >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
>> >wouldn't this save me more time?)
>> >
>> >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
>>machinery
>> >after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
>> >construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
>> >head-colds off those forklifts.)
>> >
>> >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and....I'm taking
>>this
>> >because???....)
>> >
>> >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>>(as
>> >opposed to...what?)
>> >
>> >On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used! for the other use." (now,
>> >somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
>> >
>> >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
>>flash)
>> >
>> >On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
>> >nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>> >
>> >On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>> >
>> >On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
>> >genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Toooo beeee geeeeeiiiisha...u mus hav abirity...stop men ded in twak...
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really cool venue. tijs, paul and mauro were great! i had so much fun.
