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Blonde jokes
Why did the Blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side. (But why didn't she just walk around it?)
What do you call 10 Blondes standing in a row ear to ear?
Wind tunnel.
Why do Blondes wear woolly undies?
To keep their ankles warm.
What's the difference between a Blonde and her boyfriend?
The Blonde has a higher sperm count.
What's the difference between a Blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747.
What do a Blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have cockpits.
What does a Blonde do when you tell her to look at the dead bird?
Look up.
Why did the Blonde have a sore bellybutton?
She had a Blonde boyfriend.
What's a Blonde's mating call?
"Oh no, I think I'm drunk".
Why do Blonde's drive B.M.W.'s?
Because they can't spell Porsche.
How does a Blonde commit suicide?
Puts spikes in her shoulder pads.
What did the Blonde's mum say to the Blonde?
If you're not in bed by 10, come home.
What's the first thing a Blonde does in the morning?
Goes home.
What's a Blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car doors.
What's so special about a Blonde that's swallowed a fly?
She's got more brains in her stomach than in her head.
What do you call a fly in a Blondes head?
Space invader.
If a Blonde and a Brunette jumped off a cliff, who would hit the ground first?
The Brunette, the Blonde stopped to ask for directions.
What do you call a Brunette standing between 2 Blondes?
Interpreter.
Why did the Blonde dye her hair red?
Artificial intelligence.
How can you tell if a Blonde has had a good night?
Her undies will stick to the wall.
How can you tell if a Blonde's been using your computer?
There's white-out on the screen, a condom on the joystick a tampon in the disk drive and cheese in front of the mouse.
How can you tell if a Blonde's had a bad day?
She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
How do you make a Blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
What do you call a Blonde with a runny nose?
Full.
What's the definition of a Redhead?
A burnt out Blonde.
Why don't Blondes become politicians?
They're over qualified.
Why do blondes have sunrooves in their cars?
Somewhere to put their legs.
Two blondes are driving along when they see a third blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a wheat field, happily pulling at the oars. The first blonde says "You know, it's blondes like that that give us a bad name." and the second replies "Yeah, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her.". Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across a set of tracks. The first says "Hey, look at those deer tracks." and the other replies "Those aren't deer tracks, they're wolf tracks.".
And they argue about it for the next twenty minutes until both are hit by a train.
What do you call a blonde on a Harley wearing a leather jacket?
Rebel without a clue.
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
Why do Blondes have clear lunchbox lids?
So they know if it's morning or afternoon.
How can you tell that a fax is from a Blonde?
There's a stamp on it.
How do you confuse a blond?
You don't, they're born that way.
What's a blonde with saw dust on her head?
A blonde with an external memory.
Three women are standing in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy examinations. One is a red-head, one is a brunette and the third is a blonde. The red-head says "i'm gonna have a boy 'cuz i was on the top". The brunette says "i'm gonna have a girl 'cuz i was on the bottom".
The blonde quickly puts her hands to her face and says in fright "oh no! i'm gonna have a puppy!"
A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood. But one day, she storms into the managers office and exclaims "I quit this job, I'am not working here anymore". The manager naturally does not want to lose a hardworking and beautiful girl, so he calm's her down and ask's her what the problem is. After a lot of cajoling, she finally tells him "I've been working here so long with the bristles that I've grown them between my legs." At this the manager laughs and tells her that it's a common thing and happens to everyone as they grow older. But she does not believe him, so finally he locks the door and tells her "Look, I'll prove it to you. I'll drop my pants and you can see that I've grown them too." So, he strips in front of her.
At this, the blonde cries out, "Oh my God! It's worse than I thought. You've grown the broom handle as well."
A blonde and a brunette were walking past a flower shop when the brunette happened to notice her boyfriend buying flowers. "Oh no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no particular reason," sighed the brunette. The blonde looked at her friend oddly and said, "What's the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?" "Oh, sure I do, but I really don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde thought for a moment and then asked, "Don't you have a vase?"
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York.".
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in the box."
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!
How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.
What do you call a blonde with brain cells?
Pregnant.
How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence
How does a blonde part their hair?
(Action of scissoring legs apart) By doing the splits
Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together! .
What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! .
When does a brunette have / of a brain?
After a dye job.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just dyed her hair.
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
An IN-body experience! .
Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back
What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once
What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! .
How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads
How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads
Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat, under a buck
Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper.
Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles
Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
To put their feet through.
What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.
Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." .
How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on your cucumbers
Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth
Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good ankle warmers.
What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.
Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show!
What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm sooo drunk!" .
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" .
How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the zambonis machine
What's a brunette's mating call?
Has that blonde gone yet?, When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?, "All the blondes have gone home!"
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer.".
What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces themself. Or walks home
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
Fertilized
What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
Opens the car door
How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
Kick open the car door.
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.
Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room
What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Bucket seats
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn
Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country
What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?.
Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
Who cares?
Why do blondes have orgasms?
So they know when to stop having sex!
How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
"Thanks for the refill!"
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer
Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil
What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" .
Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don't know any better.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
"What's a lightbulb?" One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" .
What's a blonde's favourite wine?
"Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" .
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A wine cellar
Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.
What does a peroxide blonde and a have in common?
They both have a black box.
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo
What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?" .
What do you call blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel
What do you call blondes in a circle?
A dope ring
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $ bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
Because her boyfriend was also blond! .
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
Her IQ goes up! .
What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys
Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend
What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush
What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
Butter is difficult to spread.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
You don't eat your bowling ball
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter
What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
They know how many men went down on "The Titanic"
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs cents to use a telephone
What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count
What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' men
Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read
What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
They both have black roots.
What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet Fuck All..
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Don't tell her to swallow.
Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool
Why do blondes have square boobs?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
What's the blonde's cheer?
" I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." .
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change
How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! .
Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
Because you don't have to marry them for sex! .
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
Because it says right on it "good for up to pounds." .
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.
How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only months?
Because on the box it said From - years.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"
How does a blonde high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor
Why do blondes have legs?
So they don't get stuck to the ground.
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
"No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes
How does a blonde interpret?
A interrupted by a period.
What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!" .
Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Why don't blondes breast feed?
Because they always burn their nipples
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men! .
Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader.
What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
Air Supply
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head
Why do blondes drive VW's?
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night! .
Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager
How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
So they know if it is morning or afternoon. So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home
Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them. So men can understand them.
Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children! .
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. A labrador.
Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries
Why do blondes have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
Because she gave blow-jobs literally
Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
She realized she gave her last blowjob
Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
She liked to be filled with cream
What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Why are blondes like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ
How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest
What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
One's a bunch a cunning runts.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it
What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." .
What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own
What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
Your job still sucks after months
What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before using a trampoline
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." .
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An air bag
Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Cause she blows the horn!
What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.
What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter"
How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead
How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say "No"
What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
Retardo.
What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides
How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck
Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because missed a period
When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! .
What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump! .
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.
What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!? A: I don't know. R: Neither did she
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ?
It finally dawned on her
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?".
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call for help. Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves
What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?".
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No mum, I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook.".
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil
Why are only 23% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
An air bag.
Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
It's too hard to re-train them.
What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men?
Their heels.
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board
What is foreplay for a blonde?
Thirty minutes of begging.
What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone. A: Only one person can use the phone at once
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde
Why did god give blonds % more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her
How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge! (da da dum) .
How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb! .
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch
What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
One's a phony buck
What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts
What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place
What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods.
What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
Her feet!
How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat
How do you describe the perfect blonde?
feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.
How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
Marry her
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook
How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece
What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
Lipstick
Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later
Why do men like blonde jokes??
Because they can understand them.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it! .
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.
Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too
But why do brunettes take the pill ?
Wishful Thinking
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to degrees
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter
Why don't blondes call in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.
What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath.
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their pants.
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air bubbles
What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A waste
What do you call blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress
What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
Divorcee'.
What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks
What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?
What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A brain tumor.
What do you get when you turn blondes upside-down?
Two brunettes.
What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
They both got fucked by men whilst on holiday.
What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
He knows who the ten men were
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side
Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.
Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water
Why did the blonde have tyre tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
Because she loved children.
If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 3.
What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third Grade
What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters
What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub
Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked
How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! .
Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." .
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door
Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat
What did the blonde do when she heard that % of accidents occur around the home?
She moved
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade
Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying grass across the street."
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit cups of water in the little packet
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear
Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
To keep her ankles warm. To keep her neck warm .
How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
Way to go team!
How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
By the chipped tooth.
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
To keep from bruising their ears.
Why do blondes have vaginas?
So guys will talk to them at parties
What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
Rebel without a clue.
What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"?
"No, I just lie there."
What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
"Thanks, guys..."
What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
"Space. The final frontier......" .
How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
Just One... Boomer Esiason.
What's brown and red and black and blue?
A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes
What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
You don't, you see if you've got condoms
Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
So she could keep the refriderator cold
How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought
How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One
Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn't know what ONE came first...
Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
What do you call a blonde with % of her intelligence gone?
Divorced.
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! .
How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
How do you describe prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!
How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One
Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!
What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?" .
How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
She sneezes.
How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house
What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort
What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant posession
What did the blonde's dentist find?
Teeth in the cavity
What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
She's trying to hold on to a thought
What does a car fatality and a blonde have in common?
Put either in a car and their fucked
What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A padded dash
Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens?
They couldn't find their eraser
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why did the blonde cross the road?
She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking!
How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last night gave you a good blow-job?
A: The sheets are sucked up your ass
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why do blondes occupy about 47% of the net bandwidth?
Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List.
Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
Cos they go and answer the door.
What do you call five blonds at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
What do you call a smart blond?
A golden retriever.
What do you call a basement full of blonds?
A whine cellar.
What's the definition of eternity?
Four blonds at a four-way stop.
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE.
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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
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