>> click for theme music <<


Not so long ago, in our galaxy...


Alright troopers, we are to capture Mandy. Do not let her escape. Do not fail me.

Yes, my lord.

[After learning of Vader's intentions to capture her...]

They'll never catch me. Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here. Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here.

[Her wish is granted]

...

...

... Er, I wanted you to turn me into a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here.

So sorry... God's busy right now. This is all I can manage, I am still a newbee.

Give me your wings bitch! Come here I say!

Bye!!!

Come back. Come back. [sob sob] I need wings! Come back! [sob sob]

I can give you wings. But you have to trade me your soul for it.

Let me have a think about it...

-------------------------

[Sound of footsteps approaching]


We have narrowed her location. Inspect the premises thoroughly!

O.K. Dammit!!! Give me my wings.

Your wish is my command. Heheee, heheee. I have Mandy's soul! Heheeheeheee.

Now, give me my wings. Give me my wings, I say!!!

.......

There she is! Quick men, grab her!

You didn't think wings magically appear do you? I've placed an order. Your wings will arrive in approx. two weeks. Bye.

Hey! What am I gonna do? The startroopers are closing in. Better hide... Dj QT's penguin fluffy toys! I'll hide amongst them!

1 ... [dumbfounded] That's funny. She was here a moment ago. Damn! Penguins are so smart. All I see here are fluffy penguin toys, crates of records, and one very drunk DJ lying in the corner over there.
Man, Vader is gonna be pissed! He'll kill us, nooooo.

2 We better not go back empty handed. We'll take that DJ over there. He must be a friend. He may know Mandy's whereabouts. Help me lift him, troopers.

What the fuçk? Where are you taking me? Hey!!! Let me loose. Who are you... Oh I see must be a rave on. Matt, is that you? Bet that one in the middle is Dale? Very funny guys. I can't go in these clothes, let me change first.

3 Be quiet. Or we will have to use force.

Hmmm... Doesn't sound like anybody I know. Who could it b[smack]? [unconscious]

4 These DJ's never listen. One time I requested my favourite song, William Orbit's "Adagio For Strings", the DJ nodded and said she would play it. I kept on getting hyped up thinking it is going to be the next track. But she never played it. The party finished and the DJ never played my song. I was so furious. That's why I joined the darkside.
Why did you join the darkside trooper?

1 I had the misfortune of not ever having drank Mother's milk. She couldn't bear the pain, so she gave me infant formula. And very cheap infant formula at that! When Vader's army came, she sold me to them.

2 I sorta understand. My ex-gf never let me suck on her titties. She was always so precious about them. "No, you will leave bitemarks." Or "No, I might get cancer!" Or "Is that all you think about? Is that all I am to you? A pair of breasts???" So I dumped her and joined Vader's elite troops.

3 Ooooh, that tops even mine. I joined the darkside simply because I needed the money. My hometown is a barren wasteland. When Vader's troopers came and destroyed what little there was of my town, I did nothing. I went up to Vader and said, "Let me join you." He said, "What use have I got for a bum like you?" And I said on bended knee, "I will serve and honour you, Master." and he laughed. He said, "Kill him!" But one of his high-ranking officials said, "Forgive me, my Lord. But I think he might prove to be useful." Vader said, "Very well!" And that's how I became one of Vader's troopers. Been a trooper for 20 glorious years. I have invaded hundreds of planets, killed millions of lives, and I think that very soon I too will have the power.

1 You'll never gain the power.

3 Wanna bet?!

[wakes up] Huh, what the? Why did you[smack]? [unconscious]

Good. They are gone. Safe!!! For now anyway. I wonder what they want from me? Damn that devil. He has my soul. And he didn't fulfill his end of the bargain. Why did I ever trade? What am I gonna do now? [sob, sob] I'm hungry...

What do penguins eat? Better do a search on the web... Ladiladila. Ah here we go. NOOOOOO!!! I DON'T like Sushi! Where the hell am I going to find fish?

Hello. I'll trade you some fish for your soul.

Hey you! I want my soul back. You never gave me my wings.

Huh??!!?? [checks his "Book Of Soul Records"] Oh, hahah! How forgetful of me. Seems I already own you Mandy, haha. You can't have any fish then. Bye.

Where are my wings???

They'll arrive in about two weeks. C-YA!!!

How rude!!! I guess I'll have to adjust to living the life of a penguin for a little while. It's not so bad. I can withstand extreme cold temperatures, look very smartly dressed - I can probably get into those yuppie clubs now, I can swim better now and I'm cute too. Still don't know how I'm going to eat raw fish though.... I can handle not being able to fly. But raw fish? It hurts to even think about it. Yuck!!!

------------------------------

[Aboard the startrooper transporter]

1 Been reading Vogue magazine. It says here that there is a lot of importance in where objects are placed, what direction they face, etc. These things can have a drastic effect on the karma that is generated.

2 Feng Shui. That's so old. What edition of Vogue magazine are you reading?

1 Er... August 2002. I stole this from that house. Had a really sexy looking girl on the cover. Reminds me of my mum. Oh how I long to taste mother's milk...

3 Spare us from your stories. We've heard it hundreds of times already. Feng Shui is just like Astrology. You are so darn stupid!

1 Feng Shui works if you believe in it. You know if you gave it a go, maybe you might even start gaining some of the Dark Force's powers.

2 What is it with women's magazines? Every other page you see some half-naked 16 year old advertising some kind of cosmetic product and underwear.

1 That's why I grabbed it! One day I am going to marry a beautiful 16 year old and exploit her body to the max.

3 I'm telling ya, Feng Shui is a sham. The only real magic out there is the Force.

1 Why is it that after 20 years serving the Imperial Army, you still have no powers? Aren't you getting tired of all this? How old are you now, exactly?

2 Yeah, how old are you exactly?

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

I have sent my very best troops to find Mandy. They will not fail you Master. We have known her whereabouts for quite some time now. We should hear of the results very soon. [huff puff, huff puff]

DO NOT FAIL ME. THE FUTURE OF THE EMPIRE DEPENDS ON HER CAPTURE. SHE MUST NOT ESCAPE! MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARRANGE FOR HER QUICK TRANSPORTATION TO ME. I AM GETTING VERY IMPATIENT!!!

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff]

Now on more casual matters. Are you still shaving your arse next to the skin like I taught you?

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff]

Very good. I've always insisted that everyone in my Imperial Army are hairless. We don't want people to think that we evolved from apes now do we? We are the greater species. So we must maintain our professional image.

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff]

Well, that's all for today. I will speak to you soon. Tempus fugit!

Yes, Master. [huff puff, huff puff] [runs to the toilet]

[starts to take a shit] That man just never shuts up! I almost shit my pants. Arrrgh, I hate it when you are having a convo with someone important but you are really desperate to go, you know?

[plonk... plonk...]

I think he's getting crazier as he ages. He never used to care about hair so much. And this ape business? I genuinely think that we evolved over millions of years. But NOT according to our Master! No! Must I change all my beliefs and learning simply to please him?

[plonk... plonk...]

>> click for theme music <<

[Training floor on the Death Star MKII]





We only do what we've been told
[repeat]
We will serve till we get old
[repeat]

The Imperial Army is the best
[repeat]
We always past every test
[repeat]

1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4
1 2.....
3 4.....

When Vader tells us to lick our ass
[repeat]
We do it all in time, en mass
[repeat]

We are evil and we are cruel
[repeat]
All the galaxy, we will rule
[repeat]

1 2 3 4
1 2 3 4
1 2 . . . .
3 4 . . . .

[Back on Earth]

[Calls 0409 162 332] Hello. Yes my name is Mandy. I was just wondering if you would like to take me out to dinner? You would?! Great, I'll meet you outside The Terriyaki Terrace, say 7:00 pm. Great! O.K. Bye Mel!
That's how you get a date, girls!!!

I suppose I better get going and give meself a headstart. These little webbed feet of mine aren't exactly rocket engines. Off to Terriyaki Terrace then. Hey, I'm already dressed!!! What a bonus!!! Ladiladila...

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

Maybe it's the curry?

[plonk, plonk]

Or the way I eat in a hurry?

[plonk, plonk]

For sure, I know I'll never marry!

[plonk, plonk]

I'm just not your average Larry!

[plonk, plonk]