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Tony Montana meets Michael Corleone
I took this from the trilogy website.Its pretty funny though.Its a script about the 2 men WE ALL WANNA BE.
"AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE"
by
Michael J. Farrand
CAST: MICHAEL CORLEONE 40s-50s, TONY MONTANA 20s-30s.
SETTING: MICHAEL CORLEONE's office on the day of his daughter's birthday.
TIME: Day. Contemporary.
AT RISE: MICHAEL CORLEONE sits at his desk, TONY MONTANA in a chair facing him.
TONY
Godfather Corleone, Godfather motherfuckin' Corleone. There you sit, man. Lookin' beautiful like something straight out of a fuckin' movie, man.
MICHAEL
Antonio Montana, today is the day of my daughter's wedding. The family celebrate outside while I speak with you. Please. Show some respect.
TONY
Is that what that is? A wedding reception, man? I thought it was a fuckin' picnic, or something like that, man.
MICHAEL
Around here we don't show off, Antonio. That's how we stay in business.
TONY
Showin' off, is that what you fuckin' call it, man? Down in Miami we call it letting the fuckin' bendejos know who's fuckin' boss, man.
MICHAEL
And who is the boss of Miami, Antonio?
TONY
You're fuckin' lookin' at him, man. Antonio Montana. I'm the meanest motherfuckin' goddamn badass mother****** who ever walked the motherfuckin' streets of fuckin' Miami, man.
MICHAEL
I see, Antonio.
TONY
Right from the start, Godfather, I want you to know I never took nobody out who didn't have it fuckin' comin' to him, man.
MICHAEL
That's a good boy, Antonio.
TONY
Call me fuckin' 'Tony', Godfather. I can't be fuckin' walkin' around my fuckin' neighborhood being called fuckin' Antonio, man.
MICHAEL
All right, Antonio, I'll call you 'fuckin' Tony'.
TONY
Now that's something fuckin' to write home to your motherfuckin' mother about, man. Godfather motherfuckin' Corleone is callin' me fuckin' 'Tony', man.
MICHAEL
Tony. The wedding reception won't last much longer. Please tell me what I can do for you, or wait until I have another daughter.
TONY
That shouldn't take that long, Godfather, at the rate you're fuckin' goin', man.
(TONY makes lewd Italianate gestures, MICHAEL makes apologetic ones.)
TONY
I mean no disrespect to your fuckin' daughter, man.
MICHAEL
For my daughter, Tony, the fuckin' starts tonight.
TONY
You are so fuckin' right, Godfather.
(TONY makes lewd gestures.)
MICHAEL
If you don't state your problem pretty soon, Tony, you and me . . . we're going to start having other problems. Bigger ones.
TONY
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Godfather. I apologize from the bottom of my motherfuckin' heart, man. But, I got a fuckin' problem, man. A real motherfuckin' problem.
MICHAEL
Yes, Antonio?
TONY
I'm making a shitload of fuckin' money, man. I got a mansion fuckin' God could live in, man. And people all over fuckin' Miami fuckin' fear me, man. I mean they fuckin' fear me, Godfather.
MICHAEL
I fail to see the problem, Tony.
TONY
Oh, Godfather.
(HE kneels down and throws HIMSELF into MICHAEL'S lap.)
It's fuckin' women, man. I don't know how to handle fuckin' women, man!
MICHAEL
Now that could be a fuckin' problem, Tony.
TONY
You don't even know, Godfather. She calls me fuckin' names, man. She complains all the fuckin' time, man. Nothin's ever fuckin' enough with her, man. Now I think she's fuckin' sleepin' around on me, man. I don't know what to fuckin' do, man.
(TONY cries. MICHAEL slaps HIM.)
MICHAEL
You can act like a man!
(Imitates TONY.)
'She calls me names. She complains all the time. Nothin's ever enough. I don't know what to do. Boo hoo.' Look at you! You're weak. You are a disgrace to self-respecting gangsters everywhere.
TONY
(Cries.)
I know, Godfather. I know I'm a fuckin' disgrace. That's why I've come to you, man. I've got nowhere else to fuckin' go, Godfather Corleone.
MICHAEL
That's the one thing you've done right so far. You've come to me. And now I'm going to help you out of your predicament, Antonio Montana.
(TONY kneels and kisses MICHAEL's hand.)
TONY
Thank you, Godfather. Thank you so fuckin' much, man.
(MICHAEL helps TONY back to HIS seat.)
MICHAEL
First you have to tell me her name.
TONY
It's Poopsie, man.
MICHAEL
Poopsie.
TONY
Yes, it's fuckin' Poopsie, man.
(Cries.)
MICHAEL
Antonio Montana, you're earning ten or twelve million dollars a month tax-free.
TONY
Yes, Godfather.
MICHAEL
You've got a mansion God and his archangels could live in comfortably.
TONY
Yes, Godfather.
MICHAEL
And you're the meanest Cuban that ever walked the streets of Miami.
TONY
The meanest goddamn one, Godfather.
MICHAEL
Then do you mind if I ask you a question?
TONY
Yes, Godfather?
MICHAEL
What are you doing with a woman named fuckin' Poopsie?
TONY
Her real fuckin' name is Elvira, man. No way I'm callin' my fuckin' woman Elvira in front of the fuckin' bendejos, man.
MICHAEL
So, you call her Poopsie, instead.
TONY
That's fuckin' right, Godfather.
MICHAEL
Describe Poopsie for me, Tony.
TONY
She's like Michelle Pfieffer with boobs, man.
MICHAEL
Michelle Pfieffer with boobs.
TONY
Yes, Godfather. She's like fuckin' Michelle Pfieffer with fuckin' boobs, man.
MICHAEL
I see. She's like fuckin' Michelle Pfieffer with fuckin' boobs, man. And she calls you names, complains all the time, and now you think she may be sleeping around on you?
TONY
That's right, Godfather. That's fuckin' right, man.
(Cries.)
MICHAEL
This is a bad case, Tony. Very bad. Perhaps the worst I've seen.
TONY
I know, Godfather. It's fuckin' bad, man. What am I gonna fuckin' do, man?
MICHAEL
I'm going to have to handle this one myself, Tony.
(Pats TONY on the head.)
TONY
You mean you're comin' to fuckin' Miami, man?
MICHAEL
That's right, Tony, I'm coming to fuckin' Miami.
TONY
What are you gonna fuckin' do in fuckin' Miami, man?
MICHAEL
When I come to fuckin' Miami, I'm going to show Poopsie some fuckin' Italian sausage. Some real fine fuckin' Italian sausage.
TONY
But this is fuckin' Miami, man. We use fuckin' chorizo in Miami, man.
MICHAEL
Up to now, Tony. But Michael Corleone is going to introduce the pleasures of real fine Italian sausage to Miami.
(Grabs HIS crotch.)
All this talk about fuckin' has got my Italian blood up.
TO BE CONTINUED.
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