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Cheney's Big Gay Political Stunt
Well I'm a fan of the guy that wrote this article, so I wanted to know what you guys thought:
http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.p...articleid=24986
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As you may know, President Bush is trying to amend the Constitution to ban same-sex marriages. It’s possible that this is because he thinks an angel cries every time a gay person is happy. Or maybe the only thing keeping him from linking gays to Al Qaeda and declaring war on them is the staff paid to keep a fresh distraction of Legos and coloring books in front of him. More than likely, though, he couldn’t care less and he’s doing it because the bigot vote is more valuable than the gay vote. Being evil costs you votes, and the Bush team had to find a way to please gay people while still working to declare them second-class citizens. Then they remembered the Vice President had a lesbian daughter.
For the first time, Cheney publicly mentioned that his daughter Mary was gay during a speech where he came out in support of same-sex marriages. This isn’t exactly a new stance for him, since in the 2000 debates, he explained that freedom is freedom, and all people should be free to enter any kind of relationship they want. He then went on to say that the matter of same-sex marriages should be decided on by the states, not federal law, effectively making his opinion moot and thus harder to disagree with. This is called “compassionate conservatism,” which, if I’m not mistaken, is intellectual fruitball for “someone else’s problem.”
Cheney later changed his mind, and supported the Federal Marriage Amendment (FMA). He still supports it, only now it’s a begrudging support. As Cheney said, “At this point... my own preference is as I’ve stated, but the president makes basic policy for the administration.” I’m all too familiar with this excuse, since recently my roommate burned a witch in the living room, and I had to let him because he was holding our apartment’s Leadership Sceptre. All kidding aside, I find it reassuring that the two most powerful men in the country are keeping each other in check with opposing views. It’s more comforting, at least, than the fact that either of them would happily drive a chisel into my skull if someone told them it was full of oil.
What’s really surprising is the silence of Cheney’s daughter, a long-time advocate for gay civil rights, who has not come out against the FMA proposal. Maybe she didn’t want to screw things up for her dad at work, but when your daddy’s job is oppressing your people, it seems strange you wouldn’t mention it. There are rumors that the $100,000 salary she receives for her work on his re-election campaign is actually shut up money, but that seems like the kind of OJ Trial/Bush Administration evidence that is so incriminating it has to be false. Six figures is a reasonable salary for her position, just like it’s reasonable that a rainbow will bring my mouth magical candy if I tap dance hard enough.
In order to learn more about their reaction to Mary No-Show Cheney, I did hours of extensive research into the lesbian community. I found that no matter what terms I added to my internet search for “lesbians,” someone has taken a picture of it in a sauna. For several more hours, I tested this theory. I did come across a surprisingly unsexy website, DearMary.com, a page devoted to helping citizens write angry letters to Mary Cheney demanding that she stop the Federal Marriage Amendment. But since I think it’s impolite to nag someone to do the impossible just because they’re gay, I used my letter to tell Mary about which search phrases go best with “lesbians.” She hasn’t written back.
You may say that it’s hypocritical to come out in favor of gay marriages, have a gay daughter, then pay her to shut up about you and your friends adding gay discrimination to the Constitution, and duh, but it’s hard to blame Dick Cheney. This is a man who, at all times, is seconds away from an exploding heart. The last thing he wants to do is die with the sin of liking gay people freshly underlined on Saint Peter’s naughty list. Besides, just because someone in your family is a certain type of whatever doesn’t mean you have to give up your favorite prejudices. For example, as I’m typing, half of my relatives are stockpiling creamed corn and ammunition in nuclear fallout shelters in the woods, and I still remain stubbornly anti-lunatic.
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Thoughts?
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