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The rhythm of the melody is not very good either, i think that is what makes it sound cheesy, don't worry my first productions sounded incredibly random and cheesy, some of mine now sound like that.
If you wouldn't mind putting up a midi file i wouldn't mind trying a remix, for some reason i imagine this a a pretty filthy hard trance/psy song. :P we'll see how the turns out, also you could pm me.
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