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George,
Your work has potential. I am a upper level beginner as well but one thing I have learned is that subtle things (to people who casually listen to or make electronic music) make all the difference in producing electronic music. For the most part, the melody that you made is fine. In fact, it is very pretty.
But things such as compression, instrument and sample selection, EQ'ing, the placement of each instrument in the sound space and pitch space and mixing are what take the song you made from a random youtube video to being banged out live at a Markus Schulz set.
It's hard and unfortunatly, you have to figure out much of it on your own. I have found coming up with the melodies takes about 5% of the time in making a song. Fitting everything together and making it sound current and big takes 95% of the time.
One other thing is that the style of trance you produced is not as big as it once was. Most begginers make that style even though it hasn't really been played much in 5-6 years. A few artists like Aly and Fila and Sean Tyas play songs similar in style but they are still more current, bigger and more driving sounding.
I do think you have potential, don't give up, but there is still a ways to go.
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