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Jokes part 29
A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck
jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went
to court to change it and appeared before a judge
who asked,
"Sir, why do you want to legally change your name,
are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your honor, I'm just tired of listening
to jokes about rednecks that often use that name.
It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name
changed.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it
changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, Candy, "C-A-N-D-Y, your honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him
and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked
on her door and heard "who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done
legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds
it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!... Come on in, Peter."
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elderly couple had been dating for some time
and decided it was finally time to marry. Before
the wedding they embarked on a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They
discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach
the subject of their connubial relationship:
"How do you feel about sex?" the man asked, rather
hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment then asked,
"Was that one word or two?"
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Mick and Anne are in their 70's and Mick always
wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes.
Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them
and comes home, asking Anne, "So, do you notice
anything different about me?"
Anne responds, "What's different? It's the same
shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants,"
Frustrated, Mick goes into the bathroom, undresses
and comes out naked, just wearing the new shoes.
Again he asks, "So, Anne, do you notice anything
different?"
Anne again responds, "What's different, Mick?
It's hanging down today; it was hanging down
yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow,"
Angrily Mick yells, "Do you know WHY it's hanging
down? Because it's looking at my new shoes!
THAT's why it's hanging down!"
Anne replies, "You should have bought a new hat!"
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While waiting for my first appointment in the
reception room of a new doctor, I noticed his
certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome
boy with the same name had been in my high
school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing
him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding, gray haired man with
the deeply lined face was too old to have
been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him
if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1954."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What
did you teach?"
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the
dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having
a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten
minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a
sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told
a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave
a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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