Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend
Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for
Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of
Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.

Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and
asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda,"
Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack,
would you believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad
that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I
think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make
it kiss my ass."

-----------------------------

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front,
and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of
the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in
line like this?"

The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line
for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't
had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little,
old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they
keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."


------------------------------

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar,
one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys
after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my
Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed
up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name
my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always
up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other
high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy
Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day
of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each
other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys
were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels?
That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

-----------------------------

One day this old lady walks into the doctor's office and
is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks
what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but
it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent,
and doesn't smell at all."

So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives
her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come
back in a week.

So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks
if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't
know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"


The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses
cleared up let's work on your hearing!"'

--------------------------------

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for
a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"
she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs
are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual
age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister
is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

-------------------------------

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a
cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't
you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the
front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop
asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".


The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time
if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get
to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the
pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to
the zoo when you got to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I
taking him to Kings Island now".

---------------------------

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.


"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.


"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that
I'm going to shoot him!"

--------------------------

An old guy confined to a nursing home was walking down
the hallway when he noticed Mrs. Barnstone sitting on a
chair in the lounge. He walked up to her and asked her
if she could guess how old he was.

She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."

Then after looking at him, she said, "Why you're 88
years old!"

"Why yes I am," the old man said, "how did you know?"


"Well you told me this morning at breakfast."

--------------------------