Dear Santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer frend, BiLLy.

Dear Billy,
Nice Spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.
Santa.

*****

Dear Santa:
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa.

******

Dear Santa
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love
Susan.

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

*******

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas.

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa.

*******

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy.

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me.
You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

*******

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love
Marky.

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky” that’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school.
Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa.

___________________
Bring back 1994 NYC clubbing nights, cus the sh*t today is filled with junk parties and DJs that play sh*t House.....Zabiela, Sander, or Howells and all the rest suck and couldnt throw a night like it was in the early 90s in NYC!!!...Screw Twilo - give me Limelight circa 1993!!!