Thank you to everyone who has reached out in this thread and via PM. It's nice to know that others know what the pain feels like. A friend sent me a pretty good motivational video yesterday detailing that the pain lets you know that you can still feel. And if you can still feel it, then you can push it, and use it as fuel. As a competitive athlete, it's a good way to approach dealing with it. There is a series of emotions cycling through me. Sadness, disbelief, sucidial thoughts, depression, anger, acceptance, and then all of them back through the car wash over and over again, dozens of times a day. Last year I was on Zoloft to help with the trauma of the first discovery, and after experiencing the effects of antidepressants I'd rather feel all those feelings than suppress them entirely.
My coach hopped off the bike on Saturday to talk to me, because I was so distraught that it was clear my brain wasn't in the same galaxy. I very plainly wear my emotions on my sleeve. He told me about compartmentalization, and not letting all that hurt bleed out into the rest of my life, whether it's at my job, dealing with my kids, or during training. That's something I'll have to continue working on. Despite everyone's family situations, ultimately we are left to face life alone, and the people around us can only play supporting roles. When something this traumatic happens, however, it feels like all the power I received internally from her has dissipated. Thus the overwhelming feeling of emptiness.
Looking over the marriage as a whole, there was definitely a lot of one-sided work being done. I frequently adapted to necessary changes with what she needed regarding "me time" and taking care of the children, and did so whenever she asked me to do them. Unfortunately, she wouldn't talk to me about something until it was starting to become a big problem, and rather than having a level headed discussion like adults, it always spilled out from her in the form of accusatory frustration. Like I somehow wasn't reading her mind properly and didn't adjust accordingly.
I could probably write a lot of stuff about what went wrong in the marriage, but it could start getting really personal. I'll eventually share what she did, but I'm still kinda processing all of it. Despite taking my name, having children with me, buying a house together and everything that comes with being a nuclear family, she felt a sense of identity loss that was so strong that she completely departed from her role entirely.
Sometimes I don't know if it hurts more to lose her, or lose the idea of her. The person she was 5 years ago is not who she is today, and the same goes with me. I just didn't think the changes would be in such drastically different directions. Maybe I went too far into the deep end with triathlon, but when she asked for my time and availability, I gave it to her. I tried over and over after each new revelation to accept her for being human and try to connect with her but she was so cold and closed off. She acknowledged my efforts, and gave me the classic "it's not you, it's me", which that definitely didn't help. Still just makes it feel like who I was wasn't good enough.
I'm glad that we are all old enough to be somewhat vulnerable on this forum, life can be a bitch and I'm glad I have some people in my life that are there for me. I'm still hurting but at least the dark thoughts and immediate traumatic response has started to scab over. The hard part now is going to be waiting for the attorneys/legal processes while I have to remain in the house because of the minors. It's awkward not setting her plate at dinner and sleeping in different rooms while I still have all these feelings for her. It's torture.
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