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The melody has potential, but I think you need to extend it over another 8 bars and change it slightly for those last 8.
If you posted a MIDI file I'd be able to demonstrate this a lot easier. 
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"I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again."
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