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Still, I am asked "bigu dikku?" a lot. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I was asked this about 2-3 times in my entire life in America, locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12 to 15-year-old? I wave them off and say, "No, no, no." Then they say, "Oh, sumaru dikku?" (trans: small dick) and of course that's wrong so I have to correct them. It's just a no-win situation.
On the days I'm not avoiding that question, I'm avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I kid you not, I have to play Dodgedick with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Age, gender, doesn't matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are more persistent though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said, "No!" he put his hands together and said, in English, "Please!" Oh hell no. Another 12-year-old boy kept grabbing at it, and when I told him, "No!" he politely asked, "Why not?" I began to wonder if there wasn't some cultural more I didn't understand. So I said clearly, "Age 10 years and become female since birth, then we'll talk." His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.
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It is trendy in Japan for young people to dye their hair light brown/blonde and for girls to wear lots of makeup. Okay, fine, whatever floats your boat, but you'd figure it wouldn't extend to the 15 year olds. Not these two. Golden hair, more makeup than any respectable clown would wear, and skirts hiked up so far I don't know why they bother putting them on at all. I look at them and just see a waste of human parts. Yes, it's that bad.
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I really don't like one of the teachers I sit next to in the teachers' room. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why, but then it finally hit me - he is completely enamored with the sound of his own voice.
He is always talking. Always. If the conversation doesn't involve him, he'll butt in. If he can't do that, then he'll talk to himself. If he has nothing better to say, then he'll sing. Or just make sounds. Really, there is no point during the day at which sound is not coming from his mouth. |
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Another time we were playing a Thanksgiving quiz game (we play a lot of quiz games) and I asked, "What did the Pilgrims eat for the first Thanksgiving?" One boy enthusiastically raised his hand and said "Oh, I know, I know! Indians."
The pilgrims may have screwed the Indians out of their land but I'd like to think at least we didn't eat them. |
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One day after class, a ninensei girl walked up to me, and out of nowhere proudly exclaimed, "Spread your legs!" Perhaps mistaking the look of shocked bewilderment on my face for misunderstanding, she stuck her chest out and repeated it even louder, "Spread your legs!"
She then produced a book of (apparently) colloquial English expressions. The phrase came from the police section. You know, "Get out of the car! Against the wall! Spread your legs!" She just randomly selected "Spread your legs!" and decided to try it on me.
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I'm the trouble starter, fuckin' instigator.
I'm the fear-addicted, danger illustrated.
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(pun intended 
) But seriously, try it!!
