This year, tranceaddict.com's finally found its long lost albino twin, tranceaddict.lv. He was hiding somewhere in Latvia, a country that none of us had ever heard of. We should, therefore, educate ourselves in order to welcome our ta's brother according to Latvian culture.

1. What kind of name is that!? Latvia?

It comes from Latin, and it's a contraction of "Latte via", the Roman name for the Milky Way after you add some Coffee. That's because Latvia lies on a rather brownish corner of the Milky Way, giving the impression that it's latte rather than pure milk. The Latvian coffee is quite strong, reason why it's the strongest contentor to Honduras when it comes to the definition of Banana Republic.

Their banana cheerfulness is contrasted with the sadness of the neighbouring Lithuanians, whoce addiction to Lithium is quite famous.

2. Is there anything at all in Latvia?

That's a good question. Jacques Cousteau once made an expedition to Latvia and reported some quite interesting findings.

Latvian Wimminz, for example, are said to be good looking. However, whereas you can't really understand women anywhere, the problem is more extreme with Latvian Wimminz. It's as if they spoke a completely different language, unrelated to anything else we can think of.

Tranceaddict.lv was also found in Latvia. No one really knows how the hell TA's albino brother got there, but we believe he was feeling lonely and looked for some Latvian Wimminz. After failing to communicate with them, ta's jilted brother then hid in some Soviet Latvian servers, which made him rather slow (slow enough not to realise the Soviet era is now out, and "Fab Metro Latvia" is now in).

3. What's Latvian culture like?

Latvians sing a lot, especially old legionnaire and rifelmen songs, for example "duj dujin gaijssa skreijja" ("I've just farted twice", original version "You are woman, I am a man..."), usually in a very angry manner. There was also a secret "LWDW" (Latvian World Domination Weapon) at Eurovision, when millions of people were watching TV, although the plan didn't succeed because Evil and her corrupted managers sold all of the brain controlling devices to Moon-people.

Latvia's most well-known band is "Piebalgas Puiši" with lead singer Oskaras Lekunas. They play ultra-loud folk music that only a trained Latvian ear can survive. It's no surprise about the band's name - it spreads pure evil and hatred. Many foreign people (mostly children) have had their heads spontaneously explode while listening to this music.

There's a number of attractions including "Dziesmu Svetki", where Latvians sing their national punk rock and heavy-metal songs as well as performing difficult yoga exercises.

Latvians also have the "Zoophile Festival" on 1 September.The second country after Lithuania which has provided the world with an experienced zoophiliac and necrophiliac pride (thats why Latvians hate Lithuanians...they are jealous).

The best Latvian rock bands are Janis' Addiction, System of a Janis, Janis Hendrix, Janis and Mary Chain and of course The Janis & BB Janis.

Latvia is home to Hollymežs (Hollywood is a parody of Hollymežs). Some of the most well-known films which were filmed in Hollymežs are "Mr. and Mrs. Janis" "Star Wars" (with a Vairočka Skywalker in a main role), and "Mommy Mommy, There is a Janis Under My Bed!"

Latvia was unknown to the whole world until 1423 when a group of drunken elven generals thought to build a base from which they could control the entire planet.

Two teenage Latvians have also claimed to have broken the speed of light by using just a common Bumble Bee, a pair of nail scissors and double sided sticky tape, although this has yet to be proven. When questioned how the speed was measured, they replied, "quickly".

4. Does it have, like, a government?

Yes, Latvia is a democratic country since 1999. The democratisation process began after the Latvian people deciphered the Da Vinci code.

Latvia has one of the strongest governments in the whole world. It consists of 3 men and a magic pumpkin. One of the men is the priest whose duties are to polish the magic pumpkin and keep it secure. The two other men make up many laws, orders etc, which are later given to Her Majesty, The Only And Mighty, Better Than Others Freiberga for approval.

When the Latvian year pasess (about 15 common years) the government must be reelected by using a magic arrow. A specially chosen person shoots the arrow in the crowd. If the arrow hits someone, this person's father becomes the governor (if the shot person was younger than the royal cat, it doesn`t count).

Until 1997, Latvia was under the rule of God Ra, but when it suddenly died, they elected their own government. The current 3 governors are [censored] [censored] and [censored], but their names actually must be kept in secret.

The magic pumpkin started a national revolution in 1345, but fortunately it was shot by epic heroes, so until the present day, the pumpkin was replaced by a watermelon.

5. Is that it?

Yes, now you know more about our Latvian brothers .

No, there's more. As reminded by Jennypie, we should not forget to mention the gay amount of homosexuals in Latvia. Not that there's anything wrong with this. Quite on the contrary, actually, as this explains the cheerful Latvian fascination for bananas and sailours.

It's been estimated that there are 5 hundred gay sailours in the Latvian Navy, according to Commander Gayheart, and their happy adverts have been exported to many different countries, as shown by the "Seaman Ship" campaign.

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Last edited by Lira on Jan-06-2007 at 17:47