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Yan
fauxhawk

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Wano

If you don't like to read... this thread is NOT for you.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is a tongue-in-cheek contest that takes place annually and is sponsored by the English Department of San José State University in San Jose, California. Entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels" — that is, deliberately bad. A prize of US$250 is awarded.

Results for the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest: http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2007.htm

Some amusing ones (to me, at least):

The actual winner:
quote:
Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.

For the Children's Literature subcategory:

quote:
Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before.

Runner-Up:

quote:
Mary had a little lamb; its fleece was Polartec 200 (thanks to gene splicing, a diet of force-fed petrochemical supplements, and regular dips in an advanced surface fusion polymer), which had the fortunate side effect of rendering it inedible, unlike that other Mary's organic lamb which misbehaved at school and wound up in a lovely Moroccan stew with dried apricots and couscous.

Dishonorable Mention for Science Fiction:

quote:
Racing through space at unimaginable speeds, Capt. Dimwell could only imagine how fast his spaceship was going.

Jul-31-2007 06:31

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Lilith
Meowsies!

Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Maximum Security twilight home for cats

quote:
Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before.

dawww
That's so sweet, where can I get a copy?

Jul-31-2007 06:36

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Yan
fauxhawk

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Wano

quote:
Originally posted by Lilith
dawww
That's so sweet, where can I get a copy?

Imagine the emotional scars on your children if you actually got them this book.

Jul-31-2007 06:43

Lilith
Meowsies!

Registered: Nov 2000
Location: Maximum Security twilight home for cats

My kids?
Hell no, but there's a bunch of the little bastards on the other half's side that need a bit of trauma, it'd make up for being clubbed over the head with a plastic robot on the weekend...

Jul-31-2007 06:45

Yohan
Champion of Deep&Nu-disco

Registered: Jan 2004
Location: Kitchener, Ont, Soviet Canuckistan

quote:
Originally posted by Lilith
My kids?
Hell no, but there's a bunch of the little bastards on the other half's side that need a bit of trauma, it'd make up for being clubbed over the head with a plastic robot on the weekend...

Breaking kids mentally rather than physically is so much more fun.

Physical pain is temporary, but mental pain is forever!

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Latest mix: Yohan - Full Spectrum (Fall 14 promo)
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quote:
Originally posted by chinamon
not true. i say "ugh"
but i am a tranny.
quote:
Originally posted by kotsy
lol colour me retarded

Jul-31-2007 07:11 Canada

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Yan
fauxhawk

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Wano

Bahahaha...

quote:
Ruthanne felt as though she was frozen in time, staring into Steve's eyes, deep turquoise pools of Tidy-Bowl blue, reflecting back the deep passionate love that Ruthanne felt in her heart because Steve certainly didn't feel anything, being in a coma as he was, so what Ruthanne had reflected back to herself was what she herself felt, bouncing off Steve's eyes, because there was absolutely zip going on behind those eyes.

Jul-31-2007 19:49

Googooly
Dom chakalaka.

Registered: Feb 2005
Location: United Kingdom

so what happend to the elaphant, did it survive?

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ermmm ummmmm ermmmmmmm....

Jul-31-2007 19:51 United Kingdom

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wotyzoid
it's not house

Registered: Apr 2007
Location: New Jersey

Omg, these are great!

quote:
Agent 53986262.9 was strapped precariously to a giant Chinese firework, the fuse slowly shortening like a noodle getting slurped into someone's pursed lips, and although he knew he was running out of time and still had no plan for escape, all he could think of was the song about the Muffin Man and how the word "polyurethane" made it sound like the material was made out of multiple urethras.

quote:
Out of a hole in the ground popped a bunny rabbit which had a long thick orange carrot between its teeth and a big splotch of mud on its back that had dried into a dirt clump the size of a tumor.

quote:
I'd been tailing this guy for over an hour while he tried every trick in the book to lose me: going down side streets, doubling back, suddenly veering into shop doorways, jumping out again, crossing the street, looking for somewhere to make the drop, and I was going to be there when he did it because his disguise as a postman didn't have me fooled for a minute.

quote:
The highway coiled up and around the mountain like a snake ready to strike because it was being harassed by one of those annoying guys on "Animal Planet."

BUAHAHHAHAHAHA, great thread.