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Jokes part 69
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The
first has no arms, the second no legs, and the third has
no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're
all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly,
but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank
straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes
first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom
of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue
the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the
surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon
the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three
goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn
ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard
puts a swimming cap on me."
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An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning
to forget many little things around the house. They were
afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may
accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause
a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get
some help. Their physician told them that many people their
age find it useful to write themselves little notes as
reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful,
and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you
please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?
And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish
of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries
on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll
forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice
cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream
on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll
forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband.
"No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind
him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans,
and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a
dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He
emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate
of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate,
glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
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The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside
every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed
right here. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fillwith warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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On my way home from the second job I've taken
for the extra holiday cash I need, I stop at
Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my
billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I
figure that with a $2 bill, I can get
something to eat and not have to worry about
people getting angry with me for trying to
break a large bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito
please, to go."
Guy: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's to go."
At this point I open my billfold and hand him
the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and...
Guy: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still
within earshot. The following conversation
occurs between the two of them:
Guy: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Guy: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, there's no
such thing as a $2 bill."
Guy: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and:
Guy: "We don't take these. Do you have anything
else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills?
Why?"
Guy: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Guy: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Guy: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me
like I'm going to shoplift, and:
Guy: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Guy: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can
open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in
here."
Guy: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he
has real money."
Guy: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Guy: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and:
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this
time of night." [It was 8 PM and this
particular Taco Bell is in a well-lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take those either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall
security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall
security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he backs away from me and
calls mall security on the phone around
the corner. I have two people staring at
me from the dining area, and I begin laughing
out loud, just for effect. A few minutes
later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in and:
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" [at the other
end of counter, in a whisper]
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some
... [pause] funny money."
Guard: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?"
[incredulous] Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda
weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "No, the $2 is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and
get him out of here?" Guard: "Yeah..."
Security Guard walks over to me and:
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills
you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, Please!"
but I want to eat, so I say:
Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for
it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches
like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill,
turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
Guard: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a $2 bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like
he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he
has no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink
and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to
get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff.
If I got the right group of people, I could
probably end up in jail.
At least you get free food there.
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Three retired guys sat on a bench in Palm Beach.
"How'd you get here?" the first asked the second.
"I had a textile factory in Passiac,"
the second guy replied, "and I did pretty well
for a long time.
Then the competition from down south for
fierce. One day my water pipes burst and ruined
all my machinery.
I retired and came here on the insurance money.
How about you?"
"I had a box company in Bridgeport,"
the first guy said, "and I was doing pretty
well.
Then the price of materials shot up, and I
nearly went broke - until a fire destroyed my
whole plant.
Luckily I was insured, and I moved down here.
He turned to the third man.
"And what brought you here?"
"Well," the third answered, "My clothing
factory in Puerto Rico did okay, but when the
Far Eastern manufacturers started underselling
me I thought I would go bankrupt.
Then a hurricane flattened the building.
I got the insurance, retired and came here."
The other two looked at each other.
"How'd you start a hurricane?"
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Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their
surroundings. She took the film to be developed.
After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.
The clerk said the photos were not back from the
processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and
started to cry.
The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry.
Someday your prints will come."
(you get it?  )
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A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in
a furniture store for a new mattress. As she
bent over to examine the seventeenth mattress
she had considered, she suddenly cut a horrendous
fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk
who was helping her.
"Hey, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you
see the price on that one, you'll shit!...."
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