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I finally wrote a poem that I am proud of
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| davinox |
If anyone into poetry, or just anyone actually, could give a comment or critique it would be appreciated. I know this is not a poetry forum, but I'll give it a try, eh?
It is in Iambic Pentameter
(SORRY FOR THE EXTRA POSTS, PLEASE DELETE THEM!)
Hell-bound
Arranged in lines, us battered souls march on
To undisclosed locations far away.
The tribulation failed now weighs down strong;
Our backs are cracked like sunrays through the gray.
We still march on, although we failed the test.
Now never will we know eternal rest.
A stench infests the air in which we breathe,
With groans of death that swell within the ear -
Exploding throats of those who were deceived.
The sights and sounds predict that Hell draws near.
We watch the flames that lick and lap the shore,
For lakes of phosphor burn forever more.
Magnesium in water that we drink
Will burn down cold before you start to pour.
With sight and smell, a taste of death and stink
Surrounds this land of waste that I abhor.
For now my soul is blinded by a blight
Too dark for any rational insight.
And in this blur of evil dismal dark,
Distinguished sights and sounds cannot be formed.
Remembering of Heralds and their Hark,
But never was this hidden God adorned.
Salvation was too far away to sense;
In Hell, now I will lie forever hence.
Could I have seen His glory until now,
Or known that words of men could mean so much?
Could I believe the powers He endowed
Those Holy men who's drivel was God's touch?
Now looking back, it matters not; I'm damned.
In sixteen years my damnation was crammed.
And all these sights and sounds surround me whole,
As if this open vastness closes in.
I somehow felt his presence take its toll.
Beelzebub, my master, lied within!
If only I could rip open my chest
Removing tar that lies within the flesh.
And now I see my ever beating heart
That keeps my conscious touch from dying off.
Why can't my soul and body finally part?
For only blood exhales the breath I cough.
My metaphysic torture seems so real
As if my shell were not in dirt and steel.
And damn that God to Hell with me, for he
Created paradox in existence.
The Universe was made to trick me! He
Foresaw the apple and our torture hence.
He made us, then sent us to the devil's lair!
Salvation came to those men unaware!
But now I open my perceiving eyes -
My fate now resting in the devil's hands.
I must accept those once deceiving lies,
While God remains hidden to men he damns.
A coward, bastard, yet still in control
Of me and of my poor, pathetic soul. |
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| jparknyc |
| very deep...not a good critic of poetry myself, i still liked it alot...could relate to this individual at times...nice work...;) |
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| davinox |
| thanks for the comments, and could a mod please delete the other two posts? thanks. |
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| The Master |
| , how much time it takes to come up with something like this? I would take years. I know nothing about poetry but this looks like the work of a profesional, great job. |
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| Orbax |
Yeah, you probably should be a Protestant. Im glad you came around finally!
lol just kiddin. I liked it a lot, amazin work.
| quote: | And all these sights and sounds surround me whole,
As if this open vastness closes in.
I somehow felt his presence take its toll.
Beelzebub, my master, lied within!
If only I could rip open my chest
Removing tar that lies within the flesh. |
just incredible imagery the last two lines especially, great insight on abstract idea!
| quote: | | For lakes of phosphor burn forever more. |
love the Raven link, adds another dimension of darkness to it!
| quote: | Now looking back, it matters not; I'm damned.
In sixteen years my damnation was crammed |
sounds a little forced, maybe want to cut the assonance down with so much lined rhyme ocurring
| quote: | And damn that God to Hell with me, for he
Created paradox in existence.
The Universe was made to trick me! He |
watch the cap on He. Dunno if it is on purpose, but can throw it off a little :)
All in all, superb work, Id tweak it around a lil bit, but incredible. |
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| psilocin |
impressive...props on the iambic pentameter
very interesting issue overall i think theres a solid, if not controversial message and throughout the poem a build up to what that final message is being revealed only at the end.
| quote: | And damn that God to Hell with me, for he
Created paradox in existence.
The Universe was made to trick me! He
Foresaw the apple and our torture hence.
He made us, then sent us to the devil's lair!
Salvation came to those men unaware!
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that is a tight verse. very thoughtful deep and provocative. |
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| davinox |
there are some minor flaws with the pentameter, especially in the last few stanzas, and the damned/crammed lines are weak.
keep the critique and comments coming! i am eating them up. i very much appreciate them, and i'm glad you are enjoying my poem! im honored. :) |
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| bassaholix |
Very nice poem, although it lacks overall structure, imo, don't get me wrong, i love the imagery, but i dunno, lacks quality in parts, i can't do better but im just trying to understand it.
For example, you try to use words that dont go right with one another..
EG | quote: | | A stench infests the air in which we breathe, |
A stench infests the air we breathe,
that would suffice, things like that, you try to visualise too much and lack the overall feel in things, to me poetry is making something small, into something deep and meaningfull.
I love the poem though, just some things you might want to work on. |
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| Fundamental |
| I don't know the fisrt thing about poetry, but I really enjoyed this. Great symbolism, sounds very proffesional. |
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| 'mju:zik |
| Change the second and third stanza man...sorry but those don't really sound too good...The rest is not to bad :) |
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| DJ El Kay Dee |
| excellent poem, sophisticated in language and analogy..however i dont mean to be rude or too critical but the tempo keeps changing from line to line....too many words at some places...just go over that bit :) |
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