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| Orbax |
Something I wrote for my Law Final. I thought it was pretty funny. 4.0d the class :D
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your hair!”
These words are a now familiar quotation to those of us who grew up with the Brothers Grimm. It reminds us of youth, of daring, of true love. It also reminds us of the darker side to people, the side that is jealous and angry and cruel. In this story a greedy wife pushes her husband into wrongful acts. Being caught, he must make amends, but the price is almost more than he can bear. Bereft of his only daughter, who is now forced to live in isolation, he and his wife live miserably together, alone. One day, however, a noble young prince spies the tower and the damsel in distress. Through cunning and trickery he meets her face to face, and they both fall in love. However, her captor learns of this, and, through treachery, she ends up blinding the prince, and banishing the girl to the desert. After years of wandering, he stumbles into the desert only to be found by his love! Her salty tears cure his blindness, and they live happily ever after… Who says crime doesn’t pay?
Crime? You wonder. Yes, you see this story isn’t about good triumphing over evil, or love winning all in the end. It is a story of theft, abuse, neglect, and assault. It is a story where there are no innocents. Where the guilty run free, and only the closest thing to innocent are imprisoned. This story has become one of the most morally degrading, and youth-corrupting fairy tales in American society. Born out of the twisted minds of ancient Europeans, it served their dark purpose well, to corrupt those in power.
I now take you on a journey, a journey into the depths of the story of Rapunzel. A story that will shock you, anger you, and even, at some times, make you wish you were somewhere else. Here is the tale…of RAPUNZEL!!
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! The judge’s gavel came down sharply on the hard wood rapidly.
“Order! Order in the court!” Cried the bailiff, desperately trying to retain some sense of dignity and decorum. Looking helplessly at the milling, churning mass of people and cameras, he turned to the judge and shrugged.
“SILENCE!” Roared the judge, his face turning an unusual shade of purple.
The room went silent. Settling himself down, the color slowly returned to his face.
“Bailiff, please,” He said wearily.
Clearing his throat with a loud, “AHEM,” the bailiff began to speak,
“We gather here today to hear the plea of these five odd characters: Rapunzel the damsel, her two parents, the Evil Witch, and the Prince. They are accused of multiple crimes and we are here to decide the truth behind the accusations. We will begin with the parents. Before we start, can we get a little background on your life, it may help if the jury pities you.”
The father, a balding, stoop shouldered man with a nervous tick in his left eye, stepped forward. “It all started…”
“…It was a bright sunny summer, full of birds singing and lazy, music filled nights. I hardly ever left the house anymore, however, because of my nagging wife. If I went out for a few mugs of ale, or to go shoot some deer in the forest with my mates, I would come home to my shrewish wife, whose saber of a tongue would quickly shred any happiness I might have attained from such activities. ‘Bring in some firewood, if you hadn’t been getting drunk with your friends, I wouldn’t have been freezing to death here in this lonely cottage, without a person in the world to love me…’” the husband mimicked, throwing a dark look at his wife, “After a few years of marriage with her, the fairy tale was over, as they say. Eventually I became her slave, victim to any whim she had, which was our eventual undoing. One day she became obsessed with my neighbors Rampion. She had to have some. So I thought I would crawl over the wall, take some, and give it to my wife, so she would stop nagging me. I did it, and she ate it with relish, probably with more gusto than normal, knowing that I had stolen it for her. The next night she demanded I do it again. So I did. But, in the middle of it, the Evil Witch, our neighbor, caught me! She demanded that I give up my wife’s unborn child to her in return. Knowing that she could kill me in a second if she chose, I agreed to her outrageous demand. The second my daughter was born, she came in and took her from the arms of my wife and vanished! We never did know where she took my daughter, whom the Evil Witch named ‘Rapunzel’ which means ‘Rampion’ to remind us of our trespass against her. And that’s the last we ever heard.”
The judge, looking sternly at the husband, asked him, “You admit to going into your neighbor’s yard with the intent to steal the Rampion? And you admit you did this twice?”
The husband, still lost in his own woes, answered, “Yes, freely,” without looking up from the ground.
CRACK! “I see no need for the deliberations of a jury on this one. You are found guilty of Burglary in the second degree on the first entrance, and for Residential Burglary in your heinous entrance into the dwelling’s curtilage the second time. You are also charged with theft in the third degree for the theft of property not exceeding $250. In addition, using your unborn child as a trade object is shocking to the conscience. You are found guilty of selling a child. You are found guilty of malicious mischief in the third degree for causing damage to the property of the Evil Witch in an amount not exceeding $250. In all, you will be in prison for 27 years and pay $60,000. It is so ordered, bailiff…” The judge waved his hand airily, and Rapunzel’s father was dragged away in handcuffs.
The bailiff, slightly out of breath from running back from the jailhouse across the street, straightened himself, and with a glance at the judge, he spoke, “Now, you, Rapunzel’s mother, step forward and tell YOUR tale.”
The mother, a pinch faced, cold looking woman, with thin eyebrows, and ice chips for eyes, stepped forward and tossed her hair back.
“You want to hear MY side? My husband, stupid, carousing, oaf that he is, always went out, and never did anything around the house. One day, while I was PREGNANT, I got hungry for some Rampion and told him I would die if I didn’t get some. I didn’t know he had planned on stealing it from the neighbor. There was an herbalist not 10 minutes away that he could have gone to. As I said, he is a lazy man, so he just hopped the fence and went in, to my horror. On his return, I ate them because they were going to die anyways if I didn’t. The second night, I knew he would probably do it again, but I was going to let what was going to happen, happen, to the fool if he got caught, which he did. Little did I know, the weak idiot gave her MY unborn daughter as reparation for a couple of weeds! She came, took the daughter, and disappeared. As my fool of a husband already said, that’s the last we knew of them both.”
The judge, looking thoughtful for a moment, ordered the jury to decide. They came out after an hour and a woman stood up holding a list.
“We the jury, find you guilty of: 1. Coercion, you threatened him with your own death if he abstained from that which was his legal right to abstain from 2. Possessing stolen property in the third degree for disposing of stolen property that did not exceed $250 3. Extortion, you threatened him with your life to obtain his stolen property. 4. Possessing stolen property in the 3rd degree for knowingly disposing of known stolen property worth less than $250.”
The judge, nodding approvingly, looked sternly down at the woman.
“I find you to be a singularly merciless woman, devoid of passion, compassion, and human decency. You are a failure as a mother, a wife, and a member of society. It is with much pleasure that I remove you to prison for the maximum penalty of each crime. You are hereby sentenced to many years in a federal penitentiary and charged with, oh lets say, $20,000 dollars in fines to the state. It is so ordered. Bailiff…”
After the wife had been dragged off screaming, a sense of unease settled on the crowd, injuring three. The remaining three defendants were eyeing the judge warily, wondering what wrath they would receive from the judge.
The bailiff spoke loudly, “We now call,” he paused dramatically, pleased to notice that the three had gone still, an even the witch had a drop of sweat on her brow.
“The Evil Witch!”
A shocked murmur ran through the crowd, knocking over a lamp, and overturning a chair.
Gliding forward on silent feet, the Witch stood defiantly in front of the judge. Tossing back her raven black hair, she straightened her plain, brown, homespun dress. She raised a warding hand to the bailiff as he opened his mouth.
“I will speak; I know what is asked of me. The man of whom much has been spoken of already as we all know is a common thief, a criminal, someone not to be pitied. I sat in my home, a lonely woman, with no one there to protect me and watched as the brute hopped over my wall without a care in the world and stole my precious plants I had spent the last three years growing. Not to mention, I have won several blue ribbons for best garden with that Rampion. Anyways, as I watched in horror he ripped my lovelies out of the ground by their roots and trampling over other priceless flowers the bumbling idiot slid over the wall again. I said nothing, hoping he would be satisfied with that which he had already stolen from me. Alas! It was not to be. The very next night the man, even more obvious and uncaring this time, stole into my garden and again, shredded my shrubbery. Walking out to confront the thief, I demanded his baby, for he had stolen mine. He agreed to it as fair and wandered back home. To fulfill the contract, I went into their house and took what was mine, although the wife did try to hold the baby back, which I found aggravating. I took her to a tower in the forest to live in solitude, never to know another person. By doing this I hoped to have her be perfectly innocent, uncorrupted by the ways of this cruel world. She grew out her hair to many feet and I would cry up to her “Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!” After which I would climb up her hair into the tower in which she lived. We would sit and talk and I think we were both truly happy. One day, out of the blue, I hear from my darling Rapunzel that she and a handsome prince are going to run away from me! I sent her to live in the desert with her misery to be her only companion. Laying in wait in Rapunzel’s house, I had the prince come up; he was shocked when it wasn’t his darling! I told him that his little girlfriend was gone, and that I was going to rip his eyes out. A jest, cruel maybe, but I would never rip someone’s eyes out! He then jumped out of the window and landed in some brambles and ran off. I never heard from them again.” She shrugged and stepped back.
The court sat in silence. The judge, looking at her, narrowed his eyes. He shook his head in disbelief. “You…Tower…” He obviously was at a loss for words. The Witch stood confidently, feeling that she had justified her actions adequately.
“I hardly know where to begin,” said the judge slowly, “But lets start with extortion for using a threat to obtain his property, Burglary in the first for entering the dwelling of Rapunzel’s parents with the intent to commit the crime of kidnapping and child buying and having the present and well known ability to cause death and destruction. This power of death stems from your being a powerful witch, who is able to command the powers of darkness. You are charged with Kidnapping in the first for abducting Rapunzel with the intent to inflict great mental duress upon her as evidenced by the putting of her into a remote tower. You are, in addition, charged with burglarly in the first for forcibly, and against her resistance, taking Rapunzel away from her mother, whom did not know of the horrible bargain her husband had made. You are being charged with this in the first degree because your witch powers are a well known power that can cause death. Luring is being added for ordering the baby into the tower away from public view against her parents wishes. Assualt in the second degree is being given for committing assault in the fourth degree every day for multiple years. Also, you get criminal impersonation for doing an act in your assumed identity for the unlawful purpose of threatening the prince. You are, again, charged with luring for ordering Rapunzel into the desert. When you entered Rapunzel’s dwelling with the intent to impersonate her, coupled with your deadly powers, you committed burglary in the first, again. You lured the prince into the tower away from public with the intent to do unlawful action to him. You are sentenced to life, because adding up the charges would take too long. And we also hereby take all of your worldly and otherworldly possessions. It is so ordered.”
With a scream of rage, the Witch pulled out a warped twig and began to make signs in the air. Her wand left demonic red trails, and it filled the people of the courtroom with a sense of foreboding. The lights dimmed, and they could hear inhuman laughter bellowing out of a darkened corner. They had the sense of flickering flame, and endless pools of molten rock flowing from the laughter. Children cried, women wept. The bailiff, however, was undaunted. Drawing his gleaming nightstick, he snuck up behind her and smashed it into the side of her neck. She collapsed, twitching, on her wand, breaking it in two. The spell was ended, the lights began to gleam brightly again, and the sweat cooled off the brow of the crowd.
The judge, pale, and sweating, ordered her decapitated on the spot. As the janitor came in to mop up the pool of blood, her headless corpse and head were taken, separately, to the incinerator.
“Now that that messy bit of business is done, we may continue.” He said solemnly. “Would the bailiff please call the next defendant?”
“Prince, please step forward.”
The prince, pale and trembling, wondering what horrible fate would befall him stepped up.
“Please, tell us your story.” The bailiff wasn’t asking.
“Wall, yer hon’rship, sir. I was jus walkin ‘round in that them there forest there when I did hear some wonderful like singing. I jus had to know fer shore what was makin that them there racket, so’s I walks up to this them there tower and looks fer a door or wind’r. I didn’t see none sos I looks up in thought. I sees this bootiful ladyship up theres a singing likes her heart was gonner break. I felt all sorry like but couldn’t do nothing at the moment. Sos I walks into the woods to think and such. As im sittin there I see that there witch lady walks up to that tower and yells up fer the purty lady to lets down her hair. I watched in disbleef as she climbed up that there hair slicker’n snot on a doorknob, par’n the language, yer worship. Sos when she leaves I goes up to the wind’r and yells for the hair ladder. The ladyship let down her hair and I climbs up it. She shore was s’prised when it was me and not her witch friend,” He chuckled slowly, “N’ways, yer honorship, I said I wanted to marry her right then and there and she said shore also. Sos I says im gonna make her a ladder right quick. The next day I climbs up the hair and finds me a witch instead of a young girl! She started holl’rin and yell’n and such about killin me or sumthin sos I had to jump fer my life. I landed in some brickleberry bushes and they scratched muh eyes out. I wandered for a long time and eventchooly was walkin on some right hot sand when I hears a voice that’s purty. Sos I go to the voice and I feels some arms wrap around me and then I can see alluva sudden like. Her tears cured me! Sos we got murried and went to muh castle to live.”
The judge looked pityingly down at the prince. He stood there with patched clothing, an overlarge crown that kept slipping over his eyes, which meant he was forever tilting his head back to peer from underneath the metal rim. That coupled with his ears being forced to stick straight out gave him a ludicrous appearance. “Sir, we find you guilty of criminal impersonation because you impersonated the witch and defrauded her. Although you had no idea the action you were doing was a crime, it still constitutes as assault in the fourth degree when you climbed up her hair and that perpetuates the habitual cruelty of the witch. You also used your password ability to command a person who thought they were obeying the authority of the witch. Although you did not cause harm, you meant to (by climbing her hair), and, to your knowledge, you were climbing Rapunzel’s hair. Your subsequent self-defenestration…”
“defenerstrashon yer honor?” asked the prince, with his head tilted nearly horizontal.
“You jumped out a window,” said the judge patiently, “and that, in some way, punishes you. With that alone, you would be doing jail time. But we find your years of wandering in the desert blind enough punishment for your crimes. You are free to go.”
The bailiff, tired from the long day, and stressful events, wearily stepped forward. “Madame, if you would please step forward”
“uhm…I don’t know what to say. I grew up in a tower, had my hair climbed daily, and then was sent to the desert. My life has been crap. The End.” She said bitterly. “However, I’ve been incredibly happy running my husbands kingdom. I’ve learned his signature quite well you see and…” she quickly clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes going wide.
The judge, who had been expecting to just dismiss her, woke up from a day dream he had been in.
“What did you say?” he asked with intensity.
“No...Nothing…”
“That’s forgery and false certification young lady! But, in light of this being an extremely long day, I’m sure your husband approved and therefore it was legal. Court adjourned!”
Thus ends the tale of Rapunzel. Good day to you! |
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| kiddiejon |
Orbax, read this... fag.
seriously though, when i'm bored sometime i'll be sure to read it.. pffffff |
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| Orbax |
| was that supposed to be funny? :conf: |
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| Dmatrox |
woah dude thats a lot of stuff. so you wanna be a lawyer?
too much to read, eye overload :eyes: |
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| Izzy |
talk about an anti-climatic end, after reading all of that i expected something cool, to have become a l33t lawyer or something.... nope... nice story though :)
i give you a A- ;) |
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| Orbax |
| hehe sorry bout the end. I was kind of tired after reading the Revised Code of Washington forever :wtf: |
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