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Jokes part 135
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| jploveparade |
Three ladies were discussing the travails of
getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself
with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing
in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making
a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the landing of the stairs and
can't remember whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm
glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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I was driving with my three young children one
warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush
in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came
out with MY toothbrush. He held it up and said
with a charming little smile, "We better throw
this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago."
On the first day of school, a first grader
handed his teacher a note from his mother. The
note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to
come out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother. Then she added.,
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle."
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion
for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable
amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one
evening as I set a platter of broiled venison
steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter
looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice
if pizzas lived in the woods."
A mother was showing her son how to zip up
his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get
the left part of the zipper to fit in the other
side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked
at her quizzically..."Why does it have to be
a secret?"
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow
White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time.
The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old
lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound.
Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple
and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple
rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom.
She doesn't like the skin either."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was
spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's
the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car
available: a Ferrari GTO. It is also most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops
for a red light. An old man on a moped(both looking
about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The
old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and
asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It
cost half million dollars!" "That's a lot of
money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles
an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look
inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So
the old man pokes his head in the window and
looks around. Then sitting back on his moped,
the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides
to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his
rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
Something whips by him going much faster.
"What on earth could be going faster than my
Ferrari?' the young man asks himself. Then, ahead
of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. It goes
by again, heading in the opposite direction!
and it looked like the old man on the moped.
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped
outrun a Ferrari?!" But again he sees a dot in
his rear view mirror! Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing
the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it
IS the old man! He runs up to the mangled old
man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there anything
I can do for you?" The old man whispers with
his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from
your side view mirror"
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A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66
he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles
to life." Hey Roadway driver who's the two biggest
poofs in America?" comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know."
The other trucker says " You and your brother."
Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but
the other driver tells him "It's just a joke
- tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an
hour an finally sees another truck. He gets on
the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know
who the two biggest poofs in the world are?"
The other trucker says, "I don't know who?"
The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother"
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At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
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A guy goes to the pharmacist and says,
"Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says,
"This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says,
"What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies,
"Quick, I need Blue Ice" (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says,
"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says,
"No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"
"The girls never showed up!"
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I�ll give you �100 if you�ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I�m to promise to �love, honor and obey� and �forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,� I�d appreciate it if you�d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom�s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the �100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.
The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid !"
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." |
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| Dj_Psygnosis |
| quote: | Originally posted by jploveparade
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66
he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles
to life." Hey Roadway driver who's the two biggest
poofs in America?" comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know."
The other trucker says " You and your brother."
Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but
the other driver tells him "It's just a joke
- tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an
hour an finally sees another truck. He gets on
the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know
who the two biggest poofs in the world are?"
The other trucker says, "I don't know who?"
The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother"
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HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA |
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