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couple of jokes
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| dj_mdma |
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing
organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the
best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest
beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me ein Becks,
der real King of beers."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with
ice and lemon. please."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over
their faces.
Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you poofs aren't drinkin', then neither am I"
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Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never
hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline
pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
================================================== ==========
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
================================================== ==========
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: ! "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
the Little Fokker in sight."
================================================== ==========
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
================================================== ==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."
================================================== ==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
================================================== ==========
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stop! ped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was
the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
================================================== ==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
================================================== =======
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway ! while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled
out,turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
================================================== ==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
........and
I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on
Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed hismicrophone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
================================================== =========
Check it out, it's real clever............
This is a neat clock.
http://www.suite101.com/files/mysit...Alice/Clock.htm
============================================
Maybe heard this one before!
LOVE YOUR JOB
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
on FM
dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So
what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It
heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver
through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working,
is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods
my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a
few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now,
since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
WhenI arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
on my
butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now
repeat to
yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job ". |
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| mentalbarter |
:haha:
I listen to rap now and then, just so I can communicate in case my car breaks down in a scary part of town |
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| Spin Doctor |
| Funny, but too many. I gave up 1/2 way! Kids these days with short attention spans eh! :o |
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| Fundamental |
| Tis good Lammy! :stongue: |
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| Ian^ |
| you bastard Lam!!!!!! I fly on sunday, thanks for making me need double the amount of diazepan :p |
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| dj_mdma |
Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" and the Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol!" |
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| mentalbarter |
hehe i like that one
| quote: | Originally posted by Ian^
you bastard Lam!!!!!! I fly on sunday, thanks for making me need double the amount of diazepan :p |
:D |
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| Ian^ |
| quote: | Originally posted by mentalbarter
hehe i like that one
:D |
hahahahahaha i watched that one night when i had to pick my parents up from a night flight at like 1am and didnt sleep for days, as we went down the M42 we could see their plane descending and i was so expecting it to blow up :sadgreen: |
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