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Jokeathon 2001 (dubious taste. If you offend easily stay away to be on the safe side)
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A son asks his father ...
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I
would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're
sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a fag."
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A man is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he’s pulled over by
the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks “Have you been drinking Sir?”
“Why?” asks the man, “Was I all over the road?”
“No” replies the Officer, “You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the
passenger seat that made me suspicious”.!
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Three female vampires walk into a bar . The first female vampire walks up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood , the bartender gets the drink and the first female vampire walks off , then comes the second female vampire , "half a blood and lime please" she asks , the bartender gets the drink and then she's off , then comes the third female vampire she asks the bartender for a glass of water , the bartender replies "what no blood???" , she then produces a used tampon and says "no i'm making tea!!!!!"
*shudder*
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A man runs into a cafe at about 10 in the evening and demands a cup of hot sweet tea and lots of sugary donuts.
The guy behind the counter says " Ok, pal what's the problem? Here you go tea and donuts."
The customer says " I've been shagging this woman for hours, she just won't let me go, look at my eyes, my bloodshot eyes, she's nearly killed me, I need the extra energy."
The guy behind the counter is instantly jealous and says "Look pal, I've been stuck in here all day, do you mind if I go out and have a go with her?"
"No problem man, she's in the green car in the parking lot."
The guy rushes out to the car and jumps in. He starts going for his life until a cop shines his torch in the window and says, "What's going on here, then?"
The guy replies, "Sorry officer, just banging the wife."
The cop says, "Sorry sir, I didn't realise she was your wife."
The guy replies, "Neither did I till you shined that bloody torch in here!!"
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On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to the English Island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry,and
have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a liter of coconut whiskey.
However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
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This guy goes into the bar on Friday night and orders three beers. In fact, every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers ... every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy, "Every Friday night you come In here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says, "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back, so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt badly.
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but ordered only to beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks. This went on for some time, and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have been ordering only two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here." The guy says, "Yes, indeed, there is a story. You see, I joined the Mormon church, and I can't drink beer any more."
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| djthunderbird |
hehe these are hilarous :) :D
that one with vampires gives me shrugs :) Good joke, though :D
good job supplying us with jokes heres one for me:
Petka and Tsapajev (Russian Heroes) are drinking vodka on the side of a river. They have just plain vodka and they want to bite after the shot. So they go to nearby sheepfarm and steal a sheep. They make an agreement that they will stick all the bones to the ground so nobody would ever know. So they start drinking, eating, and sticking the bones to the ground. eating, and sticking the bones to the ground.
So Tsapajev gets very drunk and he fells asleep. Petka is totally ed up too and he decides to take one last bite of the sheep. ed as he is he sticks the bone to Tsapajev's ass instead of ground. In the morning Tsapajev wakes up and goes behind the bush to satisfy his needs. He comes back with his face totally GREEN and terrified. "What is it?" asks Petka. "I will never drink again!!" replies Tsapajev. "I went to take a dump and my backspine wanted to come out. I pulled my strenght together and pushed it stronly back"
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:):D
the original language was russian, and therefore the translation may seem a littel funny, cuz my english aint perfect :D |
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| Henkie_henk |
SUPBERB JOKES!!
really great!!!
Smart funny jokes hell yeah!
thx |
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| AnotherWay83 |
heh sum pretty good jokes here....
that vampire one reminded me of another nasty one..
why do tampons have strings??
so men can floss after eating!!
:)
peace |
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| Metabeing |
hahahah i like the island one about the americans...thats to true.
Heres one, not sure if its been posted though.
An man, lost in the middle of nowhere starving and dehydrated, happens upon a house. He goes to the door and knock hoping for some hospitality and the most beatiful girl ever opens the door. They begin to talk and flirt but just then the girls old chinese father comes to the door to interrupt. THe father says that the man is welcome to stay at the house as long as he doesnt touch his daughter. If he does touch the daughter terrible things will happen. The man agrees and stays at the house. On the first night the man cant resist and proceeds to have the most amazing sex with the daughter. He finishes the deed and is not caught so he thinks hes in the clear. When he wakes up the next morning there is a giant rock on his chest and the man father is next to the bed. THe visitor picks up the rock and throws it out the window. ANd goes on like nothings wrong.
The next night the visitor has sex with the daughter again. And once again the next morning there is a giant rock on his chest and the old man next to the bed. Once again the visitor throws the rock out the window, but notices that this time there is a string tied around the rock that is also tied around his left testicle. Thinking quick the man jumps out the window since it was only the 2nd floor and survives with out much harm.
The next night the visitor has sex with the daughter again. And once again the next morning there is a giant rock on his chest and the old man next to the bed. Once again the visitor throws the rock out the window, but notices that this time there is a string tied around the rock that is also tied around his left testicle. Thinking quick the man jumps out the window since it was only the 2nd floor, but as the man was falling out the window he noticed another string tied to his right testicle...of which the other end was tied to the bed post. |
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