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Guys i need your help
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| winst0n |
... i need to write a cover letter and resume for my Language Skills course (im studying Business Studies at the University of Tilburg in the Netherlands)
so I need a little bit of your help, please read my cover letter and check for my english writing mistakes
thanks arj1o1
my cover letter:
September 15th, 2004
Jolanda van Lith
Personnel Official
Koninklijke Peijnenburg B.V.,
P.O. Box 15,
5660 AA Geldrop
Dear Mrs. Van Lith,
I should like to apply for the position of National Account Manager, advertised in the Distrifood Magazine (Nr. 37, September 11th 2004).
I am a 31-year old graduate in Business Studies, currently working as Commercial Manager for United Biscuits.
I believe that my excellent communications skills, organizational experience, and leadership background from my current job will demonstrate that I have the characteristics and experience you seek. In addition, I'd like to mention how my work experience at my last job makes me a strong candidate for this position.
As a commercial manager for United Biscuits, I was held responsible for the marketing of huge array of customers in the Netherlands. The knowledge of the food industry I gained from this position would help me analyze new developments en initiate new opportunities for your company.
I would welcome the opportunity to discuss how, as a National Account Manager, I might contribute to the continued success of your firm. If you are interested, please contact me at (0031) xxx xxxxxxx any morning before 11:30 a.m..
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Arjen van Lin
Enclosure: résumé |
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| starlabs |
| quote: | | I should like to apply for the position of National Account Manager |
Better as:
I would like to apply for the position of National Account Manager
| quote: | | In addition, I'd like to mention how my work experience at my last job makes me a strong candidate for this position. |
This sentence doesn't seem necessary. I think you can leave it out.
| quote: | | new developments en initiate new opportunities for your company |
Typo?
new developments and initiate new opportunities for your company
| quote: | | If you are interested, please contact me at (0031) xxx xxxxxxx any morning before 11:30 a.m. |
Hmm this sentence is ok but I think it can be slightly improved. Perhaps just remove the "if you are interested" part.
Overall not too bad. Remember that most employers see dozens to hundreds of cover letters and resumes daily or near daily, so you need to make your point in 5-10 seconds, cause that's the amount of time most will give you. Keep it short, try to put something in there that is *specific* to that company (so they don't think you're sending out batch letters and to show that you've done research in the company and have shown genuine interest).
Good luck! |
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| DaveT |
Note 1: Is it called "Distrifood Magazine" or just "Distrifood" .. If it's called simply "Distrifood," then "magazine" should be lowercase, not uppercase. If it is called "Distrifood Magazine," it is fine as it is. If not, you need to change "Magazine" to "magazine."
Note 2: Capitalizations with position titles simply will depend on who scrutinizes it. Typically, at least for the publication I work for, capitalizing positions is usually left to only huge titles, such as Chief Executive Officer. Anything like vice president or anything else is typically left lowercase.
Note 3: The third (starts with "I believe that") and fourth paragraphs need to be rewritten. There is a lot of redundant (the same thing over again) and unnecessary fat in there.
Note 4: Commas are bad unless it's a list. Commas cause a loss of flow when reading. If you can cut out commas while not having to inserting the word "of" in there, try to do so.
Here's an editd, cut down version of it…says everything your previous one said, but shortened and more direct:
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September 15th, 2004
Jolanda van Lith
Personnel Official
Koninklijke Peijnenburg B.V.,
P.O. Box 15,
5660 AA Geldrop
Dear Mrs. Van Lith,
I would like to apply for the position of National Account Manager, as advertised in Distrifood Magazine (Nr. 37, September 11th 2004).
I am a 31-year old graduate in Business Studies, currently working as a commercial manager for United Biscuits.
As a commercial manager for United Biscuits, I am responsible for the marketing of a huge array of customers in the Netherlands. The communications skills, organizational experience, leadership background, and knowledge of the food industry I gained from this position would help me analyze new developments and initiate new opportunities for your company.
I would welcome the opportunity to discuss how I might contribute to the continued success of your firm as a National Account Manager. If you are interested, please contact me at (0031) xxx xxxxxxx. I am available every morning before 11:30a.m.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Arjen van Lin |
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| jrbuddha |
| quote: | I should like to apply for the position of National Account Manager, advertised in the Distrifood Magazine (Nr. 37, September 11th 2004).
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would add in somewhere a statement that this is your formal application, and your resume is enclosed.
something like "I should like to apply for the position of National Account Manager, advertised in the Distrifood Magazine (Nr. 37, September 11th 2004). Please consider this my formal application. Enclosed is my resume detailing my education, background and experience."
| quote: | I believe that my excellent communications skills, organizational experience, and leadership background from my current job will demonstrate that I have the characteristics and experience you seek. In addition, I'd like to mention how my work experience at my last job makes me a strong candidate for this position.
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i would delete the "i believe that"
"My excellent communications skills, organizational experience, and leadership background from my current job will demonstrate that I have the characteristics and experience you seek. In addition, I'd like to mention how my work experience at my last job makes me a strong candidate for this position."
| quote: | As a commercial manager for United Biscuits, I was held responsible for the marketing of huge array of customers in the Netherlands. The knowledge of the food industry I gained from this position would help me analyze new developments en initiate new opportunities for your company.
I would welcome the opportunity to discuss how, as a National Account Manager, I might contribute to the continued success of your firm. If you are interested, please contact me at (0031) xxx xxxxxxx any morning before 11:30 a.m.. |
fixed a typo, and a minor changes (in bold)
"As a commercial manager for United Biscuits, I was held responsible for the marketing of a huge array of customers in the Netherlands. The knowledge of the food industry I gained from this position would help me analyze new developments and initiate new opportunities for your company.
I welcome the opportunity to discuss how, as a National Account Manager, I will contribute to the continued success of your firm. If you are interested, please contact me at (0031) xxx xxxxxxx any morning before 11:30 a.m.." |
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| winst0n |
| thanks guys, i will change some things and will later repost my final version and of course i will let you know my final grade:) |
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| Echo of Silence |
| omg!!!1 ARJEN???!! Arjen, we've missed you!!!1 |
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| whiskers |
i wanna work for united biscuits too
titty biscuits!!!!
(welcome back, arj :D) |
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| DaveT |
| quote: | Originally posted by jrbuddha
In addition, I'd like to mention how my work experience at my last job makes me a strong candidate for this position. |
If you read his original edit, you'd see that his "last job" is actually his "current job" ... his position at united biscuits...making that entire sentence not needed. That's why I cut it out.
| quote: | Originally posted by jrbuddha
Please consider this my formal application. Enclosed is my resume detailing my education, background and experience. |
You should always mention that a resume is attached at the end of a cover letter, not at the beginning. The cover letter is your opportunity to influence the employer that you are right for the position before they even look at the resume. With every place I've worked at and even when it's come to hiring people myself, the cover letter is more important than the resume. They/I could get a feel for the person's personality/attitude to see if it was positive and confident. Chances are most of the top resumes are going to be similar in qualifications, so you have to heavily rely on the cover letter.
Mentioning the resume at the beginning of the cover letters gives the employer an opening to forget about the cover letter and go straight to the resume and then you have to rely on the resume making the first impression. This is a mistake quite a few people make.
Anyhow, I would say go ahead and mention the attached resume, but at the end. Try to roll into it with something like, "To get further accustomed with my background I am enclosing my resume. I look forward to hearing from you."
DO NOT use "WILL" as if you WILL be hired, because it is a sign of arrogance and cockyness. No, not my personal thoughts...just what a textbook said (in much lighter words). :)
I would actually try to be more detailed as to what you do in your current job. You give an overview, but more specifics would be nice...and mention any great accomplishments. Always good.
Before people hate on me for acting like I know everything regarding cover letters, I'm just stating all this stuff as I recall a part of a course I took back in school that was specifically about writing resumes and cover letters. We spent like a month on this . |
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| S-a-M-u-E-l |
| no offense, but united biscuits is funny =D |
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| winst0n |
| quote: | Originally posted by whiskers
i wanna work for united biscuits too
titty biscuits!!!!
(welcome back, arj :D) |
| quote: | Originally posted by Echo of Silence
omg!!!1 ARJEN???!! Arjen, we've missed you!!!1 |
hi whiskers and echo of silence :)
yes im back but i can't post much here on the forum cause wicked neo is following every step i make;) |
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