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Some good jokes
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| Tranzmit |
I found this stuff on the web and true to God i couldn't help laugh either :p
"My dad found this on a bulletin board at work many years ago. My sister recently found a copy hiding in some old school stuff she was throwing out. A good challenge is to try to read the entire piece aloud without laughing. Neither I nor my sister can do it.
[Ed: From comedian Henry Morgan]
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get."
A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," comes the reply.
So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.
"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"
A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.
Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I've got a headache."
He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."
He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."
There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around. A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were. He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e... (KICK) d-i-t-c-h.
Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"
"Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
This joke could be offensive to Norwegians, but I can assure you it's not. Any Norwegian reader would just tell an even better joke about a Swede instead.
Read in a book about the Joke-war between Norway and Sweden.
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It's mid December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort.
He is just about getting familiar with his work, but he's not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..
- Yees... he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.)
- Good morning Mr Ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I'd like to know what you want for a Christmas present.
- Eh, Sveind (Yes, that's his name) said. Christmas present... Eh... I'm very sory Mike, I can't accept any gifts, but tanks anyway.
- Yes, of course... I understand, said Mike with a voice telling a deaf he didn't understand at all, Bye then.
- Good bye Mike.
The day goes a usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring.
The next morning the phone rings again.
- Yes, Sveind speaking.
- Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm wondering if you're really serious about what you said yesterday?
- Ah.. Hello... Eh. Yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, ve're not allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and I don't vant to cause any scandal. I'm very sorry, but I hope you understand.
- Yes, of course.. Sorry... Bye.
- Good bye.
That was funny, Sveind thought. Didn't he believe what I said? Maybe some misunderstanding. After all my pronunciation isn't the best.
The next morning the phone rings again.
- Yes, Sveind heere.
- Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?
- Yes I know vhatt you want, Sveind said, not without irritation. I thought I explained vhy I can't accept any gifts.
- Yes you did, but I don't think you....
- Yes I understand, Sveind said, quite angrily. I understand perfectly vell. Vhat do you vant really? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you von't have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No... Vait a minute. Now I know. I vant a fruit bowl (He is sure a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, and won't cause any scandal.)
- A fruit bowl?? Are you serious??
- Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bowl?
- No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe..
- Unusual?? Vell that doesn't matter, does it?
- No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye.
- Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas.
A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times.
What the foreign ambassadors here want for Christmas
During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies here, and asking the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result.
EUROPEAN COUNTRIES:
Great Britain. Good economic welfare.
Western Germany. Even better east-west relations
France. Free trade between Europe and USA.
Switzerland. Better European cooperation, and better US relations.
Sweden. End of the starvation in the third world.
Belgium. Better environmental care.
Norway. A fruit bowl.
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!"
Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact
Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.
Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there;
Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, "Sorry sir, we don't serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. You'll have to bring your elephant in." To which the poor man replied, "I am wanting to know isn't it. What is this reason that you do not serve me?" The shop assistant replied, "Because you might eat the pet food yourself."
The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop assistant with his elephant. "Two bales of hay please."
A few days later, the guy is in again. "I am wanting isn't it. To buy a sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes."
"Sorry sir, we don't serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you might want to eat the pet food yourself."
Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red arse and demands, "I am wanting a sack of nuts isn't it!"
A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw meat for his tiger. The same response, "Sorry sir, we don't serve..."
Next day he's in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day he walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small hole in the top.
"Please be putting your finger into this little hole."
"I'm not going to do that!" the shop assistant responds.
"Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into the hole in this little box."
"No! I've no idea what is in there!"
"Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very important to me that you put your finger into this hole."
"Oh, all right"
She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at the brown muck and says...
"!"
"Two toilet rolls please!"
(True(?) story heard on WVBF, Boston )
Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"
She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."
He said, "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."
(This is from a little book called "Buurmans hemd nader bekeken," by Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience. Hans)
"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," I said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbour," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," I said, "after all, she's my wife."
A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"
The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."
The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world."
The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."
The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."
The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!"
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "It's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil--"The hat check girl puts out!"
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner"
A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice, the girl agreed.
And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered. The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:
"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit the sailor is smart. Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"
An old Jew and a young Jew are traveling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
A tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo.
"During the summer you don't have any nights, and during the winter you don't have any days... What do you do during that endless summer day?" he asks.
"We go fishing, and make love to our women," the Eskimo replies.
The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question:
"Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?"
Eskimo grins:
"We don't go fishing..."
There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."
"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the operation..."
"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, tell me. Please..."
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
Politics!
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LAWFIRMISM: You have two cows. You force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised |
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| Spad |
| Lol! That last one on politics was wicked :) |
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| kluba_702 |
| like the golf 1:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: |
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| DJ Fundamental |
| quote: | Originally posted by Tranzmit
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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LOL!!!:D :D Ha ha!!! "Cowgate":D |
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| Havesomefun |
nice post!
heh it took like 30mins to read!
:) |
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| Dj O'Callaghan |
| HAHA the poltics ones are cool and correct hahah |
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| Flippe |
| Took me lot of time te read it=, but it is nice! |
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