| Jayx1 |
I couldn't have made fun of this province's current state of affairs better than this. This is gold!
| quote: | Fri, February 4, 2005
Yours to make over
By CHRISTINA BLIZZARD
Ontario Attorney General Michael Bryant was front and centre at the hearings on banning pit bulls yesterday.
It all went over the top, with Bryant, who is usually a fairly sensible and mild-mannered type, becoming quite passionate. The discussion, he said, was "almost theological." Oh, please.
He spoke dramatically about a pit bull that killed a chihuahua. The pit bull was subsequently put down
"Two dogs alive one day. Two days later, two dead dogs," Bryant proclaimed, with great theatrics.
"Where's the humanity in that?" he asked. Humanity? For pity's sake. They're dogs.
It put me in mind of another issue that's doing the rounds here: The rebranding of Ontario. We need to tell the world about the new Ontario -- about how we've changed. It's an interesting dilemma. How can we best sum up that we're a bunch of scaredy cats? We're afraid of dogs, fish, chips and soda pop.
Apparently, the Liberals feel that the province's logo is outdated. We need a new, hip look to sell ourselves abroad. Premier Dalton McGuinty told a scrum this week that he discovered this at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.
Give me a break. You spend taxpayers' dollars on a week at a posh think-tank session in Europe and the best you can come up with is that we need a new logo?
Apparently, the government is looking at changing the provincial flag, the slogan on the licence plate and the little logo on all governmment documents that features the trillium, Ontario's official flower since 1937 (though some Grits deny that last one).
There's also speculation that the government may even bring back that sugar-sweet "Ontari-ari-ari-o" song, an old advertising jingle that churned stomachs back in the 1970s.
Okay, I hear Jim Carrey does a pretty good version of it, but I find it annoying. What does it mean? A place to grow? Have you seen Hamilton recently? Let's run this up the flagpole: Sun readers can come up with something better.
The nanny state
First, since it's clear through the pending bans on smoking and pit bulls, the abortive sushi coup, the proposed mandatory use of bike helmets, and the way the government is telling us what to put in our kids' lunch boxes that the Liberals don't consider us sane, intelligent adults. We are children of the nanny state.
A far more appropriate emblem would surely be the soother. Forget about intelligent discourse with government. Stick a pacifier in your mouth. Sit down, shut up and don't wet your diaper, because there are no nurses to clean up.
The new provincial song shouldn't be too difficult to figure out. How about "I Never Promised You a Health Premium"? The refrain goes a little like this: "I never promised to delist physiotherapy, optometry and chiropractic, either/But you suckers voted for us anyway."
Even the licence plate slogan -- "Yours to discover" -- is on the chopping block. And about time, too, if you ask me. As I recall, it was a hangover from an advertising campaign, and it's about as inspiring as pablum.
New Hampshire has "Live free or die." We could have, "Pit bull free since 2005" -- or how about "Eat sushi and die"? (I know, the Grits rescinded the raw fish ban, but you can tell they're itching to get their paws on it again. One maggot and it's gone.)
How about the simple "Government knows best"? Or, "Ontario: If you think the traffic's bad, try getting a doctor."
As for the flag, well, for a nanny state, how about a red background with a silhouette of Mary Poppins? Or the faithful red ensign with a marijuana plant where the Union Jack is now?
The new official provincial plant, of course, must be cannabis. It is, after all, our largest cash crop. As one wag commented this week, "We're known around the world for the quality of our pot." Precisely. Hemp, ours to discover.
Bring on the weasel
The moose, the deer and the black bear that decorate the province's coat of arms will have to go. They're far too violent. The can be replaced with the weasel, since it's more in keeping with the Liberal way of keeping promises. Of course, our provincial bird -- the loon, appropriately enough -- can stay.
So, gentle readers, if you have ideas on how to rebrand the province, e-mail them to me at the address below. I'll pass the best of them along to McGuinty in an upcoming column. |
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