| Psy-T |
How to Punch a Car
Life is difficult for the rich and stupid. There are so many shiny things to buy, and no reason to buy them other than to impress your rich and stupid friends, who by definition are lacking in taste. Just imagining these poor, underdeveloped humanoids at their little boutiques, randomly picking up hideously expensive objects is enough to bring the most heartless man to the verge of tears.
Even so, it is important to be firm with the rich, stupid inhabitants of your area. Like small dogs, they must be disciplined and trained, or they'll never understand the difference between right and wrong. Unable to interact with actual humans, locked in crystalline bubbles of self-regard, they will live out their lives completely unaware of their own uselessness.
And I, for one, am too noble to let that happen. It is our job - nay, our solemn duty - to pop these bubbles.
I have always wondered why there are no penalties for crimes against my quality of life. Sure, we rightfully hand out huge penalties for the DUI (Driving Under the Influence), but what about the severe violation of BTJ (Being a Total Jackass)? Receiving no response to the numerous letters to Congress that I composed in my head, I decided to take action. True, vigilante justice is one of the surest ways to rip great holes in the social fabric of any society, but . . . well, it's kind of fun.
As a pedestrian in Los Angeles, one is subject to aggravated BTJ on a regular basis, but after extensive experimentation, I have determined a calm, rational, and total infuriating way to respond to those that cars that cut you off as you cross the street. And so I give you:
How to Punch a Car
1. Target Selection
The ideal offender is the driver who makes eye contact with you, then pulls through the intersection slowly to make sure that he or she doesn't hit you, while still causing you to stop short. This driver will almost invariably be on the phone in a really expensive car.
(Note: I have always assumed that buying a really nice car is an expression of mild brain damage. Most luxury automobiles aren't significantly better than the average car, and their marginally greater power, more often than not, is wasted as they tootle along in the slow lane. These cars grant no additional functionality other than their prices. Buying these cars means paying extra for the quality of being expensive, a totally mind-blowing and transcendently stupid endeavor. It would be more efficient to buy a Honda and superglue ten-thousand dollars to the hood.)
2. Mental Preparation
One of the main requirements for meting out justice is to be comfortable using words like "meting." I recommend practicing for several hours a day, preferably in public. Once your vocabulary is established, rehearse feeling morally superior to everyone around you. It's best to understand the Right-of-Way as a quasi-religious concept more binding than Love-Thy-Neighbor. Try chanting the Department of Motor Vehicles Safe Driving Handbook late at night by candlelight while wearing a long robe, which worked quite well for me.
I admit that I had an unfair advantage with this step because, as a pedestrian in Los Angeles, I automatically inhabit a lofty moral high ground, which is no less pleasant for being totally unearned. I strut around my neighborhood, casting a supercilious eye on those metal-encased lowlifes, comfortable in my superiority, because I have undertaken the arduous, estimable mission of accidentally living near stuff.
3. Physical Technique
As the car moves past you, use an inconspicuous underhand motion to drive your hand into the side of the car at the back, in the trunk area. The main contact point should be the heel of your hand, but allow the rest of the palm and fingers to follow through naturally. From inside of the car, the hit, enhanced by the echo-chamber of the trunk, will seem to be a resounding blow. The goal is not to dent the car, but to make the driver think that you have dented the car.
4. Aftermath
At this point, several things can happen. The correct response to all of them is to continue walking normally as if nothing has occurred. What was previously your greatest weakness, being on foot against a large piece of metal machinery, is now your greatest asset. As an added bonus, other pedestrians in the area will immediately take your side.
I include a typical example for instructional purposes.
Ex: Subject was a rich, stupid male in a brand-new, gray BMW. After technique is executed flawlessly, car screeches to a halt, and subject gets half-out of car. "Hey!" he shouts. With consummate discipline, I walk normally, even jauntily across the street. Subject hesitates, glances behind him, notices he is blocking traffic, which, as if on cue, begins to honk.
Nearby pedestrian, a total stranger, takes opportunity to yell at subject, "You nearly hit him, you jackass!" Mumbling something about "hit and run," subject re-enters car and drives away. However, I am certain that the encounter did not end there.
At a cocktail party later that evening, subject felt a wave of intense self-loathing crash over him, began to sob into his appletini, vowed to give all his money to charity, realized he wasn't really going to do that, sank to even deeper levels of self-hatred, and fled the party. But as he backed out of the driveway, vision blurred by tears, he hit the host's brick mailbox, denting his car exactly where I had punched it a few hours before. He knelt before the dent as before a religious icon, convinced that it was not just his car that was dented, but his soul.
It's just that easy. But this is only the beginning. Future installments will detail responses to quality-of-life crimes other than BTJ such as, ORSCS (Ordering Really Slowly at Coffee Shops), UBS (Uncreative Break-up Speeches), and DTTWYEABS"EHDPV"WIBCYAL (Doing That Thing Where You End an Argument By Saying "Everyone Has a Different Point of View" When It Becomes Clear You Are Losing). We will create our shining city on a hill. And stretching across the entrance to our perfect metropolis will be the banner, "It's Not Overreacting; It's Social Justice."
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:stongue: |
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