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Joke Thread! (pg. 2)
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| RickyM |
:D
OK:
What do you call a policewoman who shaves her twat?
C*nt-stubble ;) |
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| Omega_Blue |
alright here's a couple lame jokes from when i was a kid.
an italian, a frenchman, and a pollock are driving in a jeep out in the desert when it suddenly breaks down. they all decide to take one thing with them as they attempt to walk to civilization.
the italian says, i'm going to take this bottle of wine, in case i get thirsty.
the frenchman says, i'm going to take this loaf of bread, in case i get hungry.
the pollock unhinges the jeep-door and says, i'm going to take the cardoor, so in case i get hot, i can roll down the window.
BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
here's another one. longer-winded, and much worse than the above.
a kid in kindergarten was asked by his teacher to recite the alphabet. there's two ways this joke goes.
a. he stands up and says, "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz."
the teacher says, "where's the p?" and he says, "it's running down my leg!!!"
BWAHAHA ok
b. he can't. so the teacher says, go home and ask your family what the alphabet is. so he goes home and asks his sister, "what's the alphabet?" she's talking on the phone so she blows him off and says "shutup."
so he goes to his mom, who's busy doing laundry, and asks, "what's the alphabet?" and she says, "yeah yeah yeah.."
so he goes to his brother, who's watching his favorite tv show, and asks, "what's the alphabet?" and he yells, "dununununu... BATMAN!!!"
Finally, after all this time, he goes to his dad, who's making an important business transaction- and asks, "what's the alphabet?" in which he states "15 piles of chow ."
so the next day he goes to class and the teacher again asks him what the alphabet is. and he replies, "shut up."
she says, "do you wanna go to the office?"
"yeah, yeah, yeah."
so he's in the office talking to the principal, the principal's flipping out, yelling, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???"
"dununununu, BATMAN!!!!"
to which he replies, "WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS SCHOOL'S MADE OF???"
"15 piles of cow ."
OMG I crack myself up. |
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| DamienR8 |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lebezniatnikov
In the time it took me to hit reply and type this response, I'm still laughing. Classic.
But I have a contribution.
One day, mezzir, djkoolaide, and I were driving in a car that got hit head-on by an 18-wheeler and all three of us died. We arrived at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter tells us, "welcome to heaven. Heaven is paradise in the sky, and you are free to do absolutely anything you want with only one condition. God loves ducks, and placed hundreds of them in heaven because they please him. Should you ever step on a duck, it will quack and set all the other ducks quacking and God hates that. So, if you step on a duck, you will be punished. Enjoy your time in heaven."
So mezzir, djkoolaide, and I are thinking, that's not so bad. We can do this. But one day, as djkoolaide was walking along, he steps on a duck, and all the ducks start quacking. God is angry, and sends St. Peter to hand out the punishment. St. Peter handcuffs djkoolaide to the most ugly woman in all of heaven and says "this is your punishment, you shall be bound to this woman for the rest of eternity."
Now I, seeing this punishment, vow never to step on a duck, and from that point on I am very careful when walking around. But one day, this duck flies in front of me and trips me up and I step on it accidentally. So of course, St. Peter comes and handcuffs me to an ugly woman as punishment for all of eternity.
Now djkoolaide and I are hanging out one day with our two dames and thinking about how life is awful, when we see mezzir walking around with a BEAUTIFUL, curvacious woman handcuffed to his arm. djkoolaide is astounded and goes, "How did this happen, how did you get handcuffed to this beutiful woman? The girl looks at us and says matter-of-factly, "I stepped on a duck". |
ROFLMAO :haha: |
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| DamienR8 |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!" |
OMFG ROFL :haha: :haha: |
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| DamienR8 |
| quote: | Originally posted by tc-fan
here is mine....
A whiteman enters a bar that just opened, no one is there but the bartender and he is black. So the whiteman sit down on the stool and tells the bartender "hey n*gger give me a beer". The bartender servs him the beer and then he says "what you called me?". The whiteman answere him "i said n*gger". So the bartender tells him "you know thats not nice of you of what you told me, put yourself in my shoes & see how would you feel". So the whiteman tells him "ok ill be the bartender and youll be the customer". So the bartender (black guy) goes to the door and the whiteman gets behind the bar. The blackman sits down and tell the bartender (whiteman), "hey cracker get me a beer". So the bartender tells him "sorry we dont serve n*ggers here". |
OMFG ROFL:haha: :haha: :haha: |
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| mentalbarter |
OMFG DamienR8 postwhore
What's ET short for?
Cos he's got little legs |
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| Jaanus |
A dude goes to a supermarket to buy dogfood. He picks out what he wants for his dog and goes to the counter.
The clerk says: I'm sorry but I can't sell this to you. We have new regulations. You must show us the dog so we can see that the dogfood is appropriate for it.
The guy goes away, pissed.
Next day the dude goes to a supermarket to buy catfood. He picks out what he wants for his cat - Kitkat or kitekat or wtfever - and goes to the counter.
The clerk, once again, tells the guy that he can't sell it to him. "You MUST bring your cat so we can see if the food is appropriate for it. We have new regulations y'know."
The dude goes away, really pissed, yelling and swearing.
A week passes.
One day the dude comes to the same store with a huge sportsbag and throws it on the counter.
"What is it?" the clerk asks.
The dude says: "Check it out for yourself."
The clerk sticks his hand in the bag, then takes it out : "OMFG this is pure . WTF?!?!"
The guy says: "NOW COULD I GET TWO ROLLS OF TOILETPAPER, GOD DAMMIT!?!"
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Two chicks are coming home from a party, both totally wasted, and get an urge to take a leak, fast.
They're near a graveyard, so they decide to go behind the graveyard wall and do their..business.
A problem...nothing to wipe with.
The first girl decides to take off her panties and wipe with those.
She wipes and throws her panties away.
The other girl is wearing really really expensive underware-a gift from her husband, so she doesn't want do wipe with those. She sees a grave and decides to wipe with one of those ribbon thingies.
The next day their men are sitting in a bar and one guy says to another:
"God damn, our girls had quite a party last night. Mine came home, wearing no underpants. I'm really angry. She should know better."
The other dude says: "YOU'RE amgry? Mine came home with a ribbon between her buttocks - *We'll remember you forever - The National Choir of Men.* " |
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| SID133 |
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off
the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefer . "Doesn't matter son, as
long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted. |
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| R.j. |
A teacher was passing out cookies to her 1st grade classroom. She goes up to Little Johnny and asks if he wants one or two. He then says " I Don't ing want one!" Shes like: "WHAT?" he then replies again: "I don't ing want one!" So that very same day after school she calls his mother: "Yes, I want you to hear what your son is saying in the classrom by hiding behind the curtains while I ask him if he wants a cookie." So the mother agrees.
The next day she goes up to little Johnny and asks if he wants a cookie and he says I DONT IN WANT ONE, the teacher then quickly says "SEE, SEE, DID U HEAR WHAT HE SAID!" The mother comes out of the curtains and says: Well, dont in' give him one!
lame, oh well |
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| prolikewhoa |
| quote: | Originally posted by mezzir
A little girl walks up to her father and says, "daddy, why did u name me rose"
He replies " because when you were born a rose fell on your face"
The mans second daughter says, "Dad, why did you name me Lily"
He says the same thing, "because when you were bron a Lily fell on your face"
A 3rd girl walks up to him and says "uggghhhhmppphyyynanana"
The man yells, "Shut up cinderblock" |
LMAO!!!!!! |
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| Earthsnail |
Little Johnny and Suzie were sitting in Sunday school. They sat next to each other, and Johnny always enjoyed messing with her. So one day, he found a needle on the floor and began to poke her. The teacher saw that she wasn't paying attention and began to ask her all of the questions.
"Suzie, who is the son of God?"
"JESUS!" she replied after being poked by Johnny.
"And Suzie, who is the creator of all things?" said the teacher.
"GOD!!" she replied after being poked yet again.
"Good Suzie. I have one last question. What did Eve say to Adam after they finished populating the world?"
Suzie replied, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA SHOVE IT IN YOUR ASS AND UP YOUR THROAT!!!!"
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A mother and a child were delayed 2hours on a flight do to technical difficulties. They decided to try another airline that met their destination and were satisfied by the instant departure of the plane. Once in the air, the child began to ask many questions, which annoyed the people around him.
He first asked, "Mommy why is the sky blue?"
The mother didn't feel like explaining
Then he asked, "Mommy why don't you say bless you when you cough?"
The mother again didn't want to explain.
Then he asked, "Mommy, if dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, then why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother was fully annoyed, so she instructed the son to ask the stewardest. Everyone was already annoyed by the noisy little boy, especially the stewardest. Still, he asked the same question:
"If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, then why don't planes have baby planes?"
The lady simply replied with, "Southwest airlines don't have baby airplanes because we pull out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you." |
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| Doctor_Crobe |
Blatant repost from the "Who here likes math?" thread:
MATH JOKE:
A graduate math TA is hanging out with some of his fellow math buddies (ahem, nerds), and is telling them about how he has been helping a freshman chick study for her calc final. "She took her final and got an A on it, and rode her bike over to my place to tell me about it. Then she came into my room, took all of her clothes off, and told me she was so greatful that I could have anything I wanted." "So, what did you do?" ask his friends. "I took the bike of course," he replies. "Yeah," they say, "you would have looked pretty stupid in her clothes anyway." |
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