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The Story of Mustard
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| Yoepus |
This was spawned due to a recent inquiry into the disappearance of mustard. Its supposed to be comic, so don't ban me!:nervous: :D
And the story of my signature is a sad, sad one indeed it goes like this:
One day an evil man from the Swamp woke up and said "I don't like mustard, mustard is no good, I will ban all the mustard in the trance world".
But there was no mustard in the trance world, only a zionist named Yoep. "I must find a way to remove this mustard from the Yoep" said the evil man from the Swamp. So he went in search of a rule book of rumor and ledged, which was never well known, and long forgotten. He went to search for a secret rule with which to expel that doomsday of condiments once and for good.
He searched and he searched till he found this old tomb and uncovered a rule which is known as #5. As Neophon's signature very well depicts this rule was sacred and must be lived by all throughout. The sacred rule read "No Political/religion related commentary/imagery [in your signature]" in an archaic tongue unbeknownst to all.
And so the evil man from the swamp reinforced with this tomb set forth to banish all mustard from the land of the trance.
Poor Yoep was a mustard farmer, was such for three years. He lived in the politics forum arguing about guns, Bush, and Chirac. His town was quiet and peaceful 'cept for the random idiotic n00bs that lay waste once a year. All the villagers drank and debated wearing signatures that demeaned #5.
One day the Yoep awoke as he did everyday to his quiet and peaceful village expecting to see his mustard in its awesome glee. But on this day it was different; the mustard had flee! Where did it go? Why was it gone? He pleaded to hollow ears. "Justice must be brought!" "Freedom must ring!", "Ban a mod!" he cried and plead. The villagers did not listen until one by one their signatures did too disappear!
They rallied their mods! "Save mustard"! Why was this evil become to them?
The evil man from the swamp emerged from his lurk to announce to all "rule #5 MUHAHAHAHAH!".
"But why, why our signatures?" the villagers appealed, "I don't like mustard" said the evil man from the swamp.
So Yoep's mustard lay exiled to die. Living only in memory where a tank once appeared. And all other signatures shared the mustard's same fate. No mod was banned and only one man named Dervish disappeared. The true reasons of contempt later became clear. The villagers lost their signatures not for rule #5, but since Heinz ketchup had given money to the evil man of the swamp.
And so went the story of the mustard, remembered only in villagers signatures and forgotten till a squirrel appeared. |
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| St_Andrew |
:stongue:
What a terrible misstake by heinz tho, now he has to compete against zionist ketchup instead! |
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| Yoepus |
| quote: | Originally posted by St_Andrew
:stongue:
What a terrible misstake by heinz tho, now he has to compete against zionist ketchup instead! |
and so the morale of the story :) |
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| Renegade |
"The Story of Mustard", a short story written by TA forums member Yeopus, is a sorded tale of betryal, passion and politically-affiliated condiments. Written in the year 2005, it stands, to this very day, as an eternal reminder of the dangers of over-moderation and of the insatiable spirit of free speech.
Set in "the land of trance", an allegorical fairy-tale world of folklore and tyrants, "The Story of Mustard" begins with the young peasant boy, "Yeop", awakening to find that his vast fields of mustard deposits have been stolen overnight by the ruler of his lands, known simply in the text as "Swamp". Yeop's peaceful Zionistic utopia, the village of "Political Forum", is uprooted as realisations of the previous night's injustices begin to set into the young boy's mind. Where he would have otherwise awoken to the "glee" of being able to bask in the glory of his mustard, he instead awakes to find himself forced into a quixotic quest to reclaim that which has been unduly stolen from him.
Yeop, quite a mild-mannered and amicable boy normally, is driven to cries of revolution as the circumstances of the crime become apparent:
| quote: | | One day the Yoep awoke as he did everyday to his quiet and peaceful village expecting to see his mustard in its awesome glee. But on this day it was different; the mustard had flee! Where did it go? Why was it gone? He pleaded to hollow ears. "Justice must be brought!" "Freedom must ring!", "Ban a mod!" he cried and plead. |
His outrage here is directed at the proclomation issued by Swamp (in a foreign tongue, not properly understood by Yeop) which read "No Political/religion related commentary/imagery [in your signature]". Yeop, being a farmer of mustard grown from the seeds of aggressive, right-wing Isreali foreign-policy, soon finds himself at the center of a conspiracy, the likes have which have rarely been so terrifyingly conveyed in English prose. Like Cervantes' protagonist, Yeop steels himself to battle the imminent threat despite the incredulity and bemusement of the other villagers:
| quote: | | The villagers did not listen. |
Soon, however, as Swamp's tactics become more and more despotic and the villagers began to notice their own politically-affiliated crops (referred to in the text, allegorically, as "signatures") disappearing as well, they begin to rally around Yeop and join in his desire to see justice restored to their land:
| quote: | One by one their signatures did too disappear!
They rallied their mods! "Save mustard"! Why was this evil become to them? |
Swamp's tyranny, however, remains absolute and in a final tragedy lifted straight from the pages of Shakespeare, the story resolves itself with the revelation that the signatures of all the villagers have perished in exile, along with Yeop's beloved mustard, due to Swamp's unquenchable desire for ketchup-related revenue:
| quote: | | So Yoep's mustard lay exiled to die. Living only in memory where a tank once appeared. And all other signatures shared the mustard's same fate... The true reasons of contempt later became clear. The villagers lost their signatures not for rule #5, but since Heinz ketchup had given money to the evil man of the swamp. |
Few mustard-farming related stories have ever left us with such a poignant, tear-jerking reminder of just how much we can take mustard for granted in our bourgeois, condiment-rich societies and of just how evil the ketchup lobby can be if left to it's own anti-Dijonistic devices. The moral of the story is clear: never let them ban mustard again!
Overall, in my opnion, this story is a post-modernistic masterpiece, filled with whimsical imagery, bone-chilling intrigue, heart-warming romance and pant-pissing political allusions. I heartily recommend this work to anyone with an interest in food-dressings and overall would give it 3 and a half stars. |
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| MrSquirrel |
:nervous:
:wtf:
:eek:
:stongue:
MrS |
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| Yoepus |
| quote: | Originally posted by Renegade
I heartily recommend this work to anyone with an interest in food-dressings and overall would give it 3 and a half stars. |
:haha: :haha: :haha: ROFL! I laughed so hard reading your post I almost cried myself to piss. :haha: :haha:
Thanks for the rave review!
:p |
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| squirrelly |
BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA
This made my day!
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: |
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| Moongoose |
This story is pure movie material...
Its should be called...the 5th rule...like the 5th element only in reverse! Instad of the 5th element being a hot girl who goes around kicking ass the 5th rule would be an evil entity going around and kicking babies..no wait not babies puppies! It should be kicking lots of puppies becouse that is what a villain would do. That and conspiring with its slightly less evil swamp monster (he only kicks kittens) to rid the world of mustard!
And instad of the hero driving a taxi (which is preety lame actualy...even if it is a flying taxi) he should have a tank...a big one, armed with nukes and naplm! Oh and the tank should be able to fly too (a flying tank is way cooler than a flying taxi) and...
and...
Damn it out of beer, to be continued... |
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| pkcRAISTLIN |
:stongue: :stongue:
that is pure brilliance renegade. |
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| tathi |
classic :p
| quote: | | His town was quiet and peaceful 'cept for the random idiotic n00bs that lay waste once a year. |
And think of all the n00bs young Yoep dissauded from becoming regulars, he should be rewarded by the man from the swamp, not villified :| |
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| occrider |
| Is there a sequel planned? What happens after the appearance of the squirell? Does she convince Yoep to venture into the swamp to attack his unholiness? Does the sequel get rave reviews??? I need answers!! |
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