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Toilet Humor
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| Coup |
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a
perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You
sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,
fartlessmasterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of
an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet
tissue
only
to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is
right
with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's
tolerance,
the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been
2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy
dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chilli Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves,
the chilli dump stays with you all day, making your ring feel like a
heat shield.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper
only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins
coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would
say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too
cumbersome. Then you
must
come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must
face...Pull
up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest
full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a
depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do
you
do?
ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It
isn't
pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go
through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit
there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better.
You
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf".
You realise you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom.
Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell that you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime
peace
when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break
the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the
floor
like
a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives,
friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some
clever
techniques
to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is
obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try
the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a
handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the
bathroom
without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find
you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your
foot against the
door.
If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but
there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat
with
both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn
piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently
on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn
thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did
you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you
wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush?
You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and
smile at the next person who comes in.
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to
be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too.
The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself
together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when
you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call.
The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say
"Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get
through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation,
because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly. |
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| emc^2 |
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
Oh, this is classic, savin' this ! (ahaha LOL, pun intended) |
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| Jim |
| quote: | The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to
be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too.
The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself
together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when
you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call.
The world's record is seven encores. |
Both ace :stongue: |
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| Trance Addix |
| :wtf: :stongue: :stongue: |
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| _Ocean_Drive_ |
| I'm relating to this... :nervous: |
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| sakabatou |
I'm always getting encore dumps.
Hardly ever perfect ones,I have a great day when I have a perfect one though. |
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| Omega_Blue |
| quote: | Originally posted by Coup
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a
perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You
sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,
fartlessmasterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of
an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet
tissue
only
to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is
right
with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's
tolerance,
the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been
2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy
dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chilli Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves,
the chilli dump stays with you all day, making your ring feel like a
heat shield.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper
only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins
coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would
say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too
cumbersome. Then you
must
come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must
face...Pull
up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest
full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a
depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do
you
do?
ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It
isn't
pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go
through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit
there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better.
You
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf".
You realise you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom.
Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell that you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime
peace
when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break
the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the
floor
like
a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives,
friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some
clever
techniques
to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is
obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try
the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a
handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the
bathroom
without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find
you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your
foot against the
door.
If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but
there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat
with
both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn
piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently
on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn
thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did
you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you
wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush?
You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and
smile at the next person who comes in.
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to
be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too.
The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself
together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when
you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call.
The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say
"Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get
through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation,
because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly. |
BWAHAHAHA LOL!!! :stongue:
i tell ya, poop jokes never get old |
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| dirtysanchez58 |
| the man knows his ! |
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| Marc Summers |
| quote: | Originally posted by Coup
The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a
perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You
sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,
fartlessmasterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of
an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet
tissue
only
to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is
right
with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
|
SO TRUE! |
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| Boomer187 |
| i have a poster with these on it. It even has pics! |
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| igottaknow |
| jesus, I cant remember laughing so hard out loud. This guy in knows his (pun intended). His descriptions are so dead on its scary. |
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| sensorium |
| Dirtiest thread this year. :stongue: |
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