|
they will grease your ass. BEST OF CRAIGSLIST thread #@$~!+_0%
|
View this Thread in Original format
| Floorwhore |
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html
taken from craigslist - this is so hilarious.
DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-07-17, 2:10AM PDT
Don't even ing say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the .
The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ing tell you...
Except in tiny print you cant read without a ing electron microscope
...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."
Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.
So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.
Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes ting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?
So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ing Pringle bastards.
I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.
The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.
I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.
That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.
So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.
You ing Pringle bastards.
The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that again.
ing Pringle bastards.
This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Pringles.
this is in or around ANAL LEAKAGE, ANYBODY? |
|
|
| riskytrader |
| LMAO...hehe sometimes craigslist posting make my day. |
|
|
| VERTiG0 |
| It's been known for ing ever that Olean and Olestra cause anal leakage. |
|
|
| adi26 |
lol...Craigs are hilarious sometimes....
This one reminds of that pork beans in milk gravy which contains 1170 cholestrol....
Instant heart attack...:) |
|
|
| Irishaddict |
This thread should be the best of Craigslist:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why You're Not Getting Any (And How to Fix it)
Date: 2006-05-04, 11:20PM EDT
Dear Roommate,
You went out tonight and had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn't have to put up with you for too long.
It's not that you're a bad dude. You're funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude. The problem, roommate, is that you're just a ing idiot when it comes to dating.
I've had to watch this sad charade for over a year now, and I've had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can't find a nice girl to get into a relationship with. I understand; dating is hard. I'm no magician myself and don't claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I've tried to help you, but you won't listen. Now I'm on Craigslist because I just can't stand it anymore.
Roommate, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet that nice girl you're looking for.
1. BE ON TIME. You ing , you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn't a big deal when you're just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it's goddamn rude when it's a girl that you're trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little "quirks," but being late right off the bat makes you look like a ing .
2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like ing hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she's going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, o), again you're sending the message that you just don't care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. Take a look at your date--unless you're going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it's only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard.
3. SHAVE. Just ing shave. Your 2-day growth doesn't make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to the Home Depot down the street. By some #2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR ING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn't feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That's exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face. , some girls like to be choked while you them in the ass and pretend that she's an underage ballerina and you're Superman. But that doesn't mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. .
4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, , what is it that you're talking about that leads to silence? You're doing one of two thing: (1) Talking about stuff that's boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That's cool, that's healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or, (2) You're talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the up. It's about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she's learning about you. It doesn't matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND ING LISTEN. Don't go on auto-pilot--she'll pick up on the fact that you're not really listening to her right away.
5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don't force it--she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won't feel like you're "expecting something" as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don't look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl's ass, you're done. Save that for when we're out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don't do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an . Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don't come off as a perv.
6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she's not going to you on the first date. It's just not going to happen...and the girl who DOES you on the first date isn't a girl you want to get into a relationship with. If she's ing you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she's sleeping with? You're not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success. If you get a kiss after the first date, that's great...but the lack of a kiss doesn't mean . And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It's ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you're done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers.
That's all I've got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you ing quit whining about it to me.
Oh, and I need the ing rent. . |
|
|
| *~LiSa-LoO~* |
...:nervous: :nervous: :nervous: :nervous:
*puts the top back on the Pringles* |
|
|
| HypnotEyez |
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue:
oh man
thats fkn halarious |
|
|
| m2j |
| quote: | Originally posted by *~LiSa-LoO~*
...:nervous: :nervous: :nervous: :nervous:
*puts the top back on the Pringles* |
:haha:
pun intended?
lol |
|
|
| *~LiSa-LoO~* |
| quote: | Originally posted by m2j
:haha:
pun intended?
lol |
yes :) |
|
|
| m2j |
| quote: | Originally posted by *~LiSa-LoO~*
yes :) |
hahaha, nicely done. :D |
|
|
| Moral Hazard |
Our eyes met during last night's orgy, but I didn't catch your name - m4w - 25
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-07-25, 10:48AM EDT
I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic.
First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that.
I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts...
Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine.
So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay?
Look, in this crazy, mixed up world we call earth, if you can't take a chance when you connect with someone even though you haven't yet ed them, then when can you take a chance? Write back, my love. |
|
|
| Moral Hazard |
| the CORe version of this thread is better! |
|
|
|
|
