|
Holiday Travel Shenanigans
|
View this Thread in Original format
| Arbiter |
Like many people, I had to travel this holiday season. And, a 28-hour drive being out of the question, that means I had to use our dreadful air transit system. Like most sensible travelers, I refuse to check baggage unless absolutely necessary. After all, I don't enjoy standing by the baggage claim while the (I assume lone) ground worker manually hauls the bags one-at-a-time from the airplane to the appropriate baggage claim location.
Of course, since the solution to all of our terrorist problems (if any) lies in draconian control of what one may or may not bring aboard aircraft, I had to check up on the latest regulations before embarking. It seemed that there was but one obstacle in the way of my goal not to check any baggage - my toothpaste tube was larger than permitted. Ouch, it seems I was left with but 3 options:
1. Buy a small enough tube of toothpaste.
2. Buy toothpaste at my destination and just leave it there.
3. Smuggle my toothpaste past security.
Like any sensible and law-abiding citizen, I immediately decided that option number three was the most efficient option. Obviously, putting it in my carry-on bag would likely result in it being detected as it passed through the x-ray machine. And attempting to hide the toothpaste in my shoes would likely prove similarly troublesome... not to mention it might not be good for the toothpaste (or shoes). Yes, the TSA's masterful security measures that costs Americans 100s of millions of dollars every year just about had me stumped.
Ok, maybe that last bit is an exaggeration. You see, I determined that there was one fatal flaw. Thinking like a good would-be toothpaste terrorist (hey, anything that can clean and whiten at the same time is clearly too potent to leave in the hands of the general public aboard an airplane), I realized that I possess an article of clothing known as pants, and that my pants included a thing called pockets.
Since pants aren't required to be taken off an x-rayed along with shoes (yet, I'm sure this is coming soon), I can stick all manner of nefarious non-metallic items such as toothpaste into my pants pockets and waltz through the metal detector without evoking the slightest bit of suspicion. Thankfully, I'm sure that it would never occur to a terrorist that taking a prohibited liquid of gel in a container in his or her pocket might be more effective than hiding said substance in their shoes - otherwise, who can say how many billions of people might have already died to attackers exploiting this security flaw?
Suffice to say, the plan for getting the toothpaste aboard went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, the general ineffectiveness of toothpaste as a weapon prevented me from using it to hijack the plane and crash it into the country music hall of fame. Still, I managed to get my baggage - oversized tube of toothpaste included - to my destination without checking any baggage, so overall the mission was a success.
So, whether you're a frequent traveler or terrorist-in-training, I hope you can take a few lessons from this experiment. I know that I feel better knowing that, even though it's ridiculously easy for a terrorist to circumvent our expensive security measures, at least I'll be able to face any unfortunate fate I might encounter in the sky with an appropriate assortment of dental hygiene products. |
|
|
| mezzir |
i've said it once, i've said it again
you have my vote dude
awesome read, and a point at that
that hasn't happened in the cor in a while :(
where'd you go btw?
i would've taken the 28-hour drive :p |
|
|
| Ian |
| we're not supposed to take many things on board a plane, however every time we fly home the spanish security are just happy to smile, wish us a good journey & let us through. |
|
|
| Lilith |
I got xrayed so many times in the states my kids are going to come out with 5 asses, multiple limbs and a GE trademark on their foreheads.
Try explaining to someone with an IQ of 72 what a briefcase loaded full of 'weird smelling' cosmetics and stamps on your passport that show you've been to the middle east recently.... its like teaching advanced maths to a baboon except they have better social manners and less likely to try and stick their finger up your ass. |
|
|
| Mr.Mystery |
Yeah, thanks to idiots like you I've started to hate this job recently. You know you could had just checked the toothpaste in the hold with your other luggage, right? What the hell do you need a ridiculously big toothpaste in the aircraft for anyway?
Oh wait - you're a "sensible traveller". After all, sensible travellers always break the rules because they just have to have that five-cent toothpaste with them at all times. knows what might happen to it in the hold where nobody can access it for the entire flight! OMG! I'm glad you're a sensible traveller.
In any place where the security staff actually knows what they're doing they can see if you've left something in your pocket - it's not even very hard if you're paying any attention. And need I even mention the random checks?
God only knows where this screening happened but seeing the country you're coming from it's really amazing how they still hire incompetent hacks to do the screenings.
Then again, there's something magical about airports - whenever someone enters within 200 metres of an airport their IQ automatically halves. Doing such complicated tasks as emptying one's pockets and taking the ing laptop out of its case somehow become impossibly hard.
And the jokes. Yes, we've heard them all. They're not funny. Don't even bother. |
|
|
| Lira |
OMG, I can hardly wait for the day Arbiter flies to Helsinki. Can you imagine the duel between Arbiter and Mr. Mystery in the screening sessions!? It's like, the intelligent bitterness against the bitter intelligence, all in one place.
Can we raise funds for that? |
|
|
| Mr.Mystery |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
OMG, I can hardly wait for the day Arbiter flies to Helsinki. Can you imagine the duel between Arbiter and Mr. Mystery in the screening sessions!? It's like, the intelligent bitterness against the bitter intelligence, all in one place.
Can we raise funds for that? |
Thank goodness I've advanced on to other things now, but if any of you are ever coming this way let me know and I'll be waiting for you ;)
Edit:
As an addition, I must say the new regulations are a load of bull. All they do is delay everything and make the security officers do loads of extra work that doesn't really help anyone in any way. But what can ya do... |
|
|
| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Mr.Mystery
Thank goodness I've advanced on to other things now, but if any of you are ever coming this way let me know and I'll be waiting for you ;) |
 :D |
|
|
| Arbiter |
| quote: | Originally posted by Mr.Mystery
Yeah, thanks to idiots like you I've started to hate this job recently. You know you could had just checked the toothpaste in the hold with your other luggage, right? What the hell do you need a ridiculously big toothpaste in the aircraft for anyway? |
What amuses me the most about your post is that if you had just read and comprehended the original post then you wouldn't have had to ask any of those questions in the first place.
Apparently simple tasks like reading before you press the "post reply" button are beyond you. Perhaps you've spent too much time "within 200 metres of an airport." 
Anyway, it's good to see that you passed your "asking redundant and redundant questions" mastery exam. I'm sure it's required for prestigious jobs like that in the "security" industry. ;) |
|
|
| idoru |
Maybe Nik will be able to explain this (in fact, I think he did but I've forgot his response) to me.
Last April I was flying out of town on Spring Break. I had everything set and ready to go through security. All was going fine. In my right hand was a bottle of Sprite. A clear bottle, mind you, with a clear liquid that was less than half full. The bottle was moving around enough so that anybody with an IQ of less than -4 would be able to tell you that there was nothing aside from liquid in it.
However, they absolutely refused to let me through. Why? "Sir, you'll have to put your bottle through the x-ray machine for security purposes, it's for your own safety."
How in the sweet name of Adam West is a bottle of clear liquid a ing security issue? Honestly.
/rant |
|
|
| Mr.Mystery |
| quote: | Originally posted by Arbiter
What amuses me the most about your post is that if you had just read and comprehended the original post then you wouldn't have had to ask any of those questions in the first place.
Apparently simple tasks like reading before you press the "post reply" button are beyond you. Perhaps you've spent too much time "within 200 metres of an airport."
Anyway, it's good to see that you passed your "asking redundant and redundant questions" mastery exam. I'm sure it's required for prestigious jobs like that in the "security" industry. ;) |
Nope, I read it all. I know you tried to give reasons to your stupidity but none of them made any sense to me.
So, as normal people do, I decided to clear things up by asking and explaining several things. Did you explain? No, of course not - after all you're a "sensible traveller" and therefore need to give a snappy answer back to avoid actually answering anything. Well done.
| quote: | Maybe Nik will be able to explain this (in fact, I think he did but I've forgot his response) to me.
Last April I was flying out of town on Spring Break. I had everything set and ready to go through security. All was going fine. In my right hand was a bottle of Sprite. A clear bottle, mind you, with a clear liquid that was less than half full. The bottle was moving around enough so that anybody with an IQ of less than -4 would be able to tell you that there was nothing aside from liquid in it.
However, they absolutely refused to let me through. Why? "Sir, you'll have to put your bottle through the x-ray machine for security purposes, it's for your own safety."
How in the sweet name of Adam West is a bottle of clear liquid a ing security issue? Honestly.
/rant |
You have to pull the line somewhere, don't you. I know it sounds stupid, but if you let that pass, soon everyone's taking bottles with them and won't put them to the x-ray machine. Then after a while they stop being clear liquids and after that they stop being liquids at all.
You just have to set the limit somewhere, no exceptions. No matter how dumb it feels. |
|
|
| Omega_M |
| quote: | Originally posted by idoru
Maybe Nik will be able to explain this (in fact, I think he did but I've forgot his response) to me.
Last April I was flying out of town on Spring Break. I had everything set and ready to go through security. All was going fine. In my right hand was a bottle of Sprite. A clear bottle, mind you, with a clear liquid that was less than half full. The bottle was moving around enough so that anybody with an IQ of less than -4 would be able to tell you that there was nothing aside from liquid in it.
However, they absolutely refused to let me through. Why? "Sir, you'll have to put your bottle through the x-ray machine for security purposes, it's for your own safety."
How in the sweet name of Adam West is a bottle of clear liquid a ing security issue? Honestly.
/rant |
The "clear" liquid could have been gelatin, sulphuric acid or whatever that is clear as water, yet capable of being used to fabricate explosives. The x-ray machine will probably show up gelatin as an opaque liquid since it is much denser than water. Or for example, sulphuric acid probably will vaporise a lot more inside the bottle, and it may be easy to identify the liquid as being something other than water. My 2 cents. |
|
|
|
|
