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Jokes
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| Dmatrox |
Man Who Loved Baked Beans Mark as unread
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. Without taking off the blindfold and seeing complete darkness under the blindfold, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It wasnot only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
:stongue: |
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| Dmatrox |
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents .
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist." |
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| Dmatrox |
The Test Mark
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples." |
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| Dmatrox |
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted. |
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| Dmatrox |
Mommy Almost Died
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy". |
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| NY1004 |
| HAHAHAHA so funny. I already knew about the 2nd andthe 4th, but the others were funny too! :) |
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| OrZonE |
| All of them are hilarious, especially the 1st one. They were so creative in describing a simple ritual of passing gas :D:stongue: |
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| Nightmonger |
:stongue: roflmao! :stongue:
They're great and well telled tnx! :D |
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| webmeister |
Since we're trading long joke-stories :D
There's this guy, right, and he loves his pushbike, he polishes it every night with Vaseline. He loves this damn thing, rides it everywhere, polishes it all the time, always makes sure it's out of the rain etc etc.
Eventually this guy meets the right girl, thinking "this is it!" Inevitably, the BIG DINNER with the girl's parents rolls around, and he hopes to pass with flying colours.
So he rides his pushbike over to his girlfriend's house, meets the parents and they have a wonderful dinner together. Everything's going beautifully, until an argument breaks out over the dishes. The girl's mother cooked, so she should be excused. The father has important business to attend to, so he should be excused. The girl has company, so she should be excused, and the guy is a guest so he should be excused.
The argument continues for awhile until the father shouts "ENOUGH!! The next person to say a word will be doing the dishes!!"
So they all sit there in stony silence, waiting for someone else to speak. Rainclouds begin to gather outside, and the guy starts to get anxious - his beautiful pushbike is outside and is going to get wet. He wants to polish it and bring it inside.
Eventually it starts raining, and the guy can't stand it anymore. He jumps up and deflowers the girl right there on the table. Nobody says a thing. Getting desperate, he grabs the girl's mother and has his way with her too. Still nobody says anything.
The rain continues to piss down outside, and the guy just cracks. "I've gotta get the Vaseline" he says.
The father jumps up from the table, "OK fine I'll do the dishes." |
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| WTB |
Great jokes guys. I allready knew some of them but I also read some great new ones. More jokes like this are welcome.
WTB. |
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| DJ Mikey Mike |
LMAO, LMAO and oh yea LMFAO!!!
these were all great. Pls give me more :D |
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| PhloTron |
| Let me climb back into my chair...ROFLMFAO |
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