| Aristronica |
A little background story - back in the day my friends and I used to run a blog website that each of us wrote in as it happened. One of them decided to go back through not too long ago and rank the top 10 of the stories. Sure enough one I was involved in made #1 and I just have to share it.
Happy Readings -
#1- Denys Assaults Himself, Roommates With Pepper Spray, Fall 2004
Where: Carthage in Kenosha, WI
Who was there: Denys, Big C, Clint, Ryan, Steve, Tim.
The Story: One Thursday Denys The Russian was dared to spray himself with pepper spray by his two roommates after a night of drinking and he did it! Returning from campus he found a lonely truck in the parking lot and decided to see if the door was open, sure enough it was. After talking himself out of peeing all over the inside he picked up the can of pepper spray sitting in the cup-holder and continued on his way back to the apartments.
Upon his return he discovered Big C, Ryan The Pisser, Steve, and Tim all drinking in Big C’s apartment and Clint passed out in the bedroom – with the door slightly ajar because Big C had the brilliant idea of “if you can’t get in, break the damn door”.
Displaying his wonderful find Denys and the others proceeded to figure out what the hell to do with the pepper spray. One idea was to go to dorms and just unleash hell – as was the popular activity in those days. As more alcohol got consumed they finally settled on the following – Denys was to spray himself in the face at arm’s length and each witness would donate $5 to the “The Russian is broke and needs to go out on Friday” Fund.
Without much thought to the matter (obviously) and $20 in his pocket Denys deftly aimed the can at his face and hell unleashed in the next 30 minutes. Mistake #1 – Denys hit the bill of the cap he was wearing and the pepper spray basically precipitated all over his face and hands. Violently choking and coughing and by now on all fours he said something along the lines of –
“! I don’t think that was a very good idea/worth it.”
Big C decided to add to the fun. Not fully realizing the potency of the spray he decided to spray a couple more times in the room – aiming for people around it. The effects took about fifteen seconds to hit but sure enough all of the occupants were soon in the back parking lot choking and laughing at the obscenity of the whole thing… with Clint still sleeping in the bedroom. Denys raced up the stairs to his apartment, stripped of all clothes and jumped in the shower – a bad idea really because that just caused the chemical to further spread over the rest of his body.
Outside was a different matter. Neighbors awoke from the noise, first asking what’s wrong and upon figuring out dispelling the gang as idiots. Clint emerged from the shadows of the apartment in rage. All 6’5” 300 (about) of the man were gagging and shaking and vomiting. With little food particles stuck all over his neatly trimmed beard. Apparently puking would wake even him up.
“What the is that !? Pepper spray!? I’m allergic to it!” – professed Clint.
To which Big C replied “Yeah no Sherlock. EVERYONE is allergic to it – that’s how it works!”
Enraged further Clint decided to KILL, or at least mildly hurt the person responsible. Steve and Tim of course ran into the apartment and decided to harass Denys while he was in the shower… a bit gay? Yes. But not really surprising from the both of them. As they were barraging Denys with constant reminders of his folly Clint stormed through the door and before he could even ask the question…
“It was Denys!” – Tim sold him out.
“No way dude. Don’t blame that on me – why would I spray myself in the face!” – Denys was quick and clever to reply.
Clint’s slow thought process didn’t seem to want to decide so he did the next best thing. He picked up all 5’3” of Tim’s small frame and flung him into the bathroom counter. He next ripped open the shower curtain and rabbit punched Denys on the left side of his mouth. The big man was holding back – however he still managed to nick the cheek and force the left corner of his mouth against his teeth – it turn bloodying the thing.
“Whoever it was don’t you ever do that again!” – Clint.
“I don’t think we will you ing bastard.” – Tim
“What the did you say?” – Clint
*crickets*
Eventually the apartment downstairs cleared out – with only minor particles left floating around – which were Febrezed and cleansed. Denys slept and woke up the next morning with terrible rash all over his body. It would go away after a couple of days but walking to class on a nice fall day in shorts and t-shirt people certainly noticed… and questioned… and laughed at the explanation. |
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