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Is there really a Santa Cluas?
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| kotsy |
I can't even remember where I got this it was so long ago. Enjoy..
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddist children, that reduses the workload to 15 % of the total - 378 million according to population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat what ever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Asumming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For puposes of camparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves a poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each chilg gets noting more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeercan pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 times the nrmal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centripetal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of forse.
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!!!!! |
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| legendary_waz |
| lol, great post! |
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| MikeyN |
| you just ruined Christmas. |
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| FunkyCrew |
| quote: | | As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, |
:haha: |
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| m2j |
when you think about it... Santa Clause is a very weird concept...
You lie to your children, give the ungrateful bastards gifts without getting credit for it, then end up telling them it was all a lie. What a strange world we live in... |
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| Abercrombie |
That's BS.
Only Cheech and Chong have the real story.
| quote: |
...
And then old Santa Claus would
Make himself real small, you know
Like, a real small guy, and he'd come
Down the chimney and then he would
Give you all the stuff that he made, man
And dig this, man
He did it all in one night, man
Hey, just a minute, man
Now, how'd he do that, man
Oh, well, man, he took the freeway
How else, man
No, man, no, man
How'd he do all that other stuff, man
Like, how'd he make himself small, man
And how'd he, like, how'd he get
The reindeer off the ground, man
Oh, well, man
He had some magic dust, man
Some magic dust
Yeah, magic dust, you know
He used to give a little bit to the reindeer
A little bit to Santa Claus
A little bit more for Santa Claus
A little bit more for Santa Claus
And this would get the reindeer off, man
Aw, got 'em off, man
Are you kidding, man
They flew all the way
Around the world, man
Hey, that's far out, man
...
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| Cosmic Fur |
| quote: | Originally posted by m2j
when you think about it... Santa Clause is a very weird concept...
You lie to your children, give the ungrateful bastards gifts without getting credit for it, then end up telling them it was all a lie. What a strange world we live in... |
Haha, I don't think the in me is going to be able to resist telling my kids that Santa Claus is an impossible concept. |
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| EvilTree |
| Man, I think I lost my childhood innocence when I found out that Santa Claus was my dad :( |
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| Intuition |
| Highly entertaining. |
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| TheVrk |
| quote: | Originally posted by m2j
when you think about it... Santa Clause is a very weird concept...
You lie to your children, give the ungrateful bastards gifts without getting credit for it, then end up telling them it was all a lie. What a strange world we live in... |
Exactly why my kids will never believe in Santa;) |
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| Cosmic Fur |
| quote: | Originally posted by TheVrk
Exactly why my kids will never believe in Santa;) |
Haha, I want it to be the same way with mine, but do you really see yourself saying this:
Kid: "Daddy, daddy! Teacher at school told me that Santa will bring me presents on Christmas."
You: "Now son, Santa is nothing more but a fictional character fabricated by the greedy corporations to suck money out of hardworking Americans every Christmas season"
OK, so I put a bit of an anti-capitalist spin on it, but you get the point. :p |
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